I'm stupid and sad

[himbeere]

I'm sorry to post here because I'm not a mum or even married but I was looking on Google for some advice forums and this one seems helpful. I have recently been having a lot of stupid problems. I came to England last year from Germany for graduate studies and the transition was not easy for me. I always had self esteem problems and I felt very lonely since I came here. Anyway, I met one really nice man, also from Germany, in my course. Of course the connection was instant for me because we share the same culture and also because he is very kind and gentle. I really started to fall for him but I didn't have the guts to do or say anything about it and he never attempted to do anything either.

But now, a few weeks ago in fact I found out that he actually has a girlfriend. He has been with her since January. Or actually he has been chasing her since January but she only recently agreed to be in a relationship with him. I felt so crushed. Then I met her at a social event and I felt even worse, I mean she is very nice, beautiful, smart and everything I wish I could be!

So I just started feeling worse and worse about my life. Then, over the weekend I did something really stupid. I went out with a group of people and I got really drunk and slept with a random guy. He isn't so random, I know him and was friendly with him, but never had any interest in him. I also don't think he had any interest in me, just the opportunity was available to him. I never had a one night stand before, I feel so horrible about myself now!!! I don't know what to do because I'm still heartbroken that the guy I care about is in love with someone else, I hate myself that I'm not as good as this woman and now I really hate myself for making this stupid mistake!!

Please don't feel bad about yourself. It's ok. It's not the end of the world. Most people have a one night stand. Put it down to experience.
It's also ok to feel sad that the guy you like is in a relationship. Just because he is someone does not mean you are not a gorgeous person because you sound lovely. Give yourself time to make friends. Join clubs. Put plans in place. The rest will happen naturally. ??

Anyone can be lonely. Forgive yourself the one night stand and move on.

You're not stupid we've all done it. Don't worry about it and don't dwell on it. Just move on. You are brave to come to another country to live and study. There will be someone out there for you I'm sure.

Pick yourself up, brush yourself down, and just chalk it up to experience.

it's horrible being in love/ lust /crush with someone who may not feel the same, but we all live and learn.

Just remember, the man you feel heartbroken over isn't some sort of god, just because he loves some one else, it doesn't mean she's better than you!

You've decided to travel from Germany to the UK, it;s not been easy for you,yet you've carried ion,and you're studying?? I take my hat off to you, you sound bloody fantastic and there'll be someone much better for you, just have lots of fun studying, making friends and seeing what's out there xxx

Well lots of people have slept with random guys. Plus he was semi-random as you already knew him so presumably not an axe murderer. It was only stupid if you didn't use protection.

Relax. When you start talking to yourself like a friend, instead of making daft comparisons and hating yourself, you will meet someone.

In the meantime get some hobbies.

You may be sad but you're not stupid. You're human.

Sweetheart even if you regret it, doing something stupid doesn't mean that you are stupid. You are hurting and wanted some comfort. That just makes you human.
I'm sorry your feelings for this man aren't returned.

I came to the UK from Germany 7 years ago and shit, the first 3-4 were very hard for me and I was terribly homesick. You would think it would be easier to get used to a culture that shouldn't be so different from our own, but it's really not.

Everybody kept telling me that it's a massive achievement to go and live in a different country and have a life here and I believe them now. You can be very proud of yourself. This men was a knob but there are others. Surround yourself with nice people and keep busy.

himbeere, sorry to read how bad you feel about yourself, but you most certainly don't come across as 'stupid' - lonely, maybe, and not filled with great self-esteem or confidence.

One-night stands are nothing to be ashamed of as such (although they can carry additional risks, I suppose) - if you were a man you'd likely feel proud of the 'conquest' . It's all about perspective and how you look at it.

Clearly you are not looking for casual sex, but for a meaningful relationship and were on a bit of a rebound after you found out that NiceGermanGuy was in a relationship. So, if ONS make you feel shitty, put this one down to experience and don't do it again .

I moved to England from Germany over 20 years ago, and have been in Scotland for 18 years.
You are right, it is amazing how alienating it can be to live outside your own comfort zone, even though the country of our origin is not exactly on the other side of the planet and Germany and Britain share a lot of history (good and bad), culture and royalty , and yet we are world's apart.
I often marvelled how immigrants from 'more different' cultures get on here - how hard must it be to move to the UK from India or the MIddle East or wherever?

Have you found a circle of friends? German and not German? Do you have outside interests, away from your course and work?
Do you visit Germany at all? Is that helpful or does it make it harder?

I hope you feel better soon. You are not stupid - your are vulnerable and alone and that is not easy. Just be very kind to yourself
Kopf hoch!

You're not stupid, just sad. And sad is part of being human.

I'm so sorry the situation with the nice man didn't work out, but if he made no attempt to do anything either, then it probably was never going to happen. You mustn't hate yourself for "not being as good as" the other woman, because I do not believe that it's true. There's no real way to measure these things, as they can only ever be based on someone's personal opinion. Another man could value you above her, so try not to let those feelings gain control of your mind.

You need to do your best to forget about the unavailable man you fancy, as well as the one-night mistake (it's no worse than that: just a slip-up - we've all been there) and move on. They're not the only fish in the sea.

I know firsthand how lonely coming to a new country can feel, but if you can get involved in some other group activities, I think you will find that it dulls the pain (which WILL go away in time, promise). Who knows, you may even meet a man you like better than the first one.

Try to leave the shadows behind you and keep looking forward into a brighter future.

Oh thank you so much for such nice words!! To answer some of the questions, yes I do have some friends here and activities outside my coursework. But the problem is that I'm not close to any of these people. Some of them are German but mostly I have gotten to know people from a lot of different places. I'm not very outgoing and I find it a little draining sometimes to spend time with groups of people I'm not very close to. I wish that I had at least one close friend nearby to share things with. Well I did with this guy I have feelings for but now I just feel sad talking to him or being with him because of his girlfriend.

What bothers me so much about the one night stand is how little that man actually cares about what happened. He doesn't care about me at all and in a way I feel that he did take advantage of me a little. I could be absolutely anybody, he was only with me because the opportunity was there, not because he feels anything for me. I think he could see that I'm a bit of a shy person and gave me some attention until he got what he wanted and now he doesn't bother with me again.

Well, he does not sound like a particularly nice or considerate person and karma will get him at some point .

There are people (man and women) who are perfectly capable of having random, casual sexual encounters and who are happy with that.
You are not.
You learnt something about yourself.

Now move on and stop beating yourself up - being harsh on yourself does not change anything and just makes you feel worse. So stop .

You don't sound like you have a lot of confidence or experience. That's causing you to overreact when it comes to personal relationships and see any knock-backs as a personal failing. They're really not. Embarrassing awkward stuff is par for the course, things go wrong, and it's important not to take it too much to heart. We've all flirted with 'the guy with the girlfriend'... we've all shagged someone and then wondered what in the hell was I thinking!?.

You only get more experience by living, loving and making mistakes. Confidence you can do something about, however. Suggest you make a bigger effort to develop friendships, get a support network around you and raise your self-esteem. Good luck

Another way of looking at it is that you used and took advantage of him when you were feeling crappy and needed a bit of a boost.

It doesn't feel like that now, because you regret it, but it could, if that was how you chose to frame it

You said that weren't interested in this man and he wasn't interested in you, that you were just "an opportunity" to him. He was just an opportunity to you, too.

In that respect, your ONS was entirely mutual. You both got something from it. You just feel bad about it now. Don't.

Don't feel stupid, we all do things we regret at times, definitely doesn't make you stupid. On a practical front - if you didn't use protection / can't remember as drink, then do get STD and pregnancy check. ONS.isnt end if the world, just chalk it down as an experience you don't want to repeat, or at least not at the moment when your feeling vulnerable and wanting more, work on feeling happy as and for yourself, and the right person will come along for you :) x