Would you stay?

[SassyOlaf]

I've been married 8 years with three DC. Found out in January that my husband had a one night 'fling' with someone he was introduced to at work, he is adamant they never had full sex (not that it makes much difference)

We agreed to try to get past it.

After further questioning this week (something about his story didn't add up) it was going on for three weeks, always after work (he works late) they would meet up and things got physical twice, once when he walked her home.

I have found loads of messages on his old phone between them as well, the dates are just for a month last year but they are so intimate I'm distraught, he was obviously chasing her.

Apparently it finished as she had a boyfriend and they were both feeling guilty.

He has also admitted being 'infatuated' by at least two other women he worked with but they weren't interested.

It sounds terrible but I can sort of see where he was coming from as we have had a terrible time last year and weren't talking at all. But still I'm heart broken.

He says he is genuinely sorry and will do whatever it takes to make things right between us. Since January he has been coming straight home every night and is the model husband but I just have no idea how to ever trust him again.

Can a couple ever get over something like this?

Simple answer is no, I wouldn't stay

I suppose it is possible to get over something like this, but the question, are you? What will it cost you?
Is the relationship worth it?

How on earth can I trust him again? I'm going to be wondering every time he gets a text or goes out, who he's talking to.
He has never talked to or texted me that way and it's just so hurtful that he has been chasing these girls no matter how bad things were between us.

No.

I was in the same boat, my ex always denied anything was going on, called me mad for thinking it, driving the relationship apart because of my mistrust blah blah blah.

And yes he was seeing someone. With a bit of digging and some very easy unearthing to get proof he finally did admit it. I asked for divorce immediately and asked him to leave (which he did), but not before he owned up to at least 5 other 'flings' during the 16yrs we were together.

And do you know what, he's had numerous girlfriends since, all of which he has cheated on. The current one (poor cow) he thinks is 'the one, his soul mate' thinks the world of her, but do you know what, he's been cheating behind her back as well (with his exes) because he 'doesn't like being on his own' when she's away with work.

So no, it doesn't work out and once they've got away with it, they'll keep on doing it regardless of who you are or the crap they sprout to you.

I'm not saying all men / women are like this, but make absolutely definite certain that you can trust and work through it if you do want to stay with him. If you have even the slightest of doubt then don't stay as it will eat away at you and destroy your life and self esteem.

Some people can, and some people can't.

There are women on the boards who have stayed in marriages after an affair, their husbands have worked to regain trust, and they say that their marriage is much better than ever. So it obviously can work in some circumstances.

I personally couldn't stay in a relationship after an affair. Ever. For some people trust can be re-built, but for me once trust is broken like that, it's dead. Sure, maybe you can cellotape it back together and have a shabby resemblance of what it once was, but it could fall apart at any moment and it's just delaying the inevitable. Again I stress that this is my personal feeling.

I'm sorry OP, but the only one who can decide what to do in this situation is you yourself. I would say that your partner not only broke your trust by having the affair, but he also subsequently lied about what that entailed. That says to me that he doesn't want to be completely honest - just as honest as he can get away with.

It's also not great that he was panting after two other women, and seems to be admitting that the only reason nothing happened was because they weren't interested.

No matter how terrible a time you were having, that doesn't justify the affair he had. Think about it, during this time when you weren't talking, were you off screwing some other man?

Leave him, get yourself set up with the children for a life alone. Then if he really wants you, let him 'court' you (woo you. old fashioned stuff) from scratch, treat him as a new suitor, and see if you still want each other. No slipping back into old habits (ie no ex-sex). If either of you thinks its not worth the bother, there's your answer.

my language is old fashioned but sometimes the old fashioned ways had advantages.

you've been badly let down and lied to. i'm not going to tell you to 'get over it'. there might be something in your marriage for you, there might not. he's the one who did the cheating, he's the one who has to make the effort to rebuild.

if you try this whilst ostensibly living together, you won't have any 'power' on your side, you'll always be the wronged wife who put up with his cheating.

You say it was a tough time. Neither you nor he had the patience or humility to sit down and thrash things out. So, he effectively blotted you out. He wasn't thinking of you or your young family, he enjoyed it, right up to the point they (she?) ended it. (Btw did he really feel guilty or was that when he tried casting his net wider? Luckily no one else responded).

In spite of apparently coming straight home after work and being a model husband, nine months on at the back of your mind you are aware he isn'tdoing enough to reassure you. Why do you want him, OP?

After confessing more your H has reopened old wounds. How is he now, remorseful, open to discussion? Or bored by you raking this up? I'm wondering if even prior to cheating, he was quite a selfish individual and not a 'team player'.

No.
This wasn't a drunken moment of madness.It would be too much of a betrayal for me.

I agree with HumblePieMonster. She makes good points.

Perhaps he can win you back. But he should win YOU back, not make you feel bad that you're not getting over it quicker.

The intimacy between them for a month, him chasing her, that'd be more hurtful imo, than the 'nearly having sex'

In answer to your question I do think some relationships do mend after disaster but only when both partners are scrupulously honest and look at what was going on in the cheater's head at the time. Not all affairs are because the marriage was in crisis; people let their guard down sometimes.

I have no idea. So sorry this has happened to you. I never thought I could before - but now we have a son id be very very very eager to make it work. That saying - it's not happened to me. I'd find it hard to not bring it up every time he pissed me off/didn't come home straight away etc - and that's no way to live.

I also think (please don't shout at me mumsnetters) it might depend on how sorry he was, how honest he was about it. If he was absolutely devastated about what he'd done - completely remorseful - that would help.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I don't think life is black and white. People make mistakes .... God knows I have done in the past. I found out the other day that my mum had had affairs when I was young and my dad knew and stuck by her and they're still together now, 60s. Very happy. It's what you can live with though.

Thanks so much for the messages, has given me a lot to think about.

I stayed with my STBXH after finding countless messages to other women before and after we got married, I found naked pics of a lass on his phone 2 weeks after we got married, He tried to arrange a shagfest with my brothers ex girlfriend when I was 6 months pregnant and he had a one night stand when DD1 was 6 months old! And this isn't all of it! I must sound like a right walkover. I left last year after 7 years together and I must admit I never trusted him in our whole relationship. I still wonder why we were ever together, I think I had some serious issues when it came to what I expect out of a relationship and just buried wat he was doing. Its an awful way to live and I will never put up with cheating of any sort ever again.

One thing that seems to come up again and again in these scenarios is how women seem to feel that because they made a decision at one time (to forgive and stay in the relationship) they can no longer make a different decision x months down the line. But often it seems to take x months before the woman realises that she feels the behaviour isn't forgiveable.

I totally agree Vivacia! It took me years! For me something just clicked and I told him to leave and never looked back.

Whatever you decide to do, please don't blame yourself, make yourself responsible for his crappy behaviour or feel under any obligation to forgive and forget just because you're married and have children. The relationship may have gone through a rough time last year but I notice that you didn't treat it as permission to go chasing after men... Personally, I wouldn't be in a relationship with a liar and, sadly, that's exactly what you've got. You can't believe anything he says. Hope you are OK and hope you find peace of mind.