Male seeking female perspective

[vivitron]

First time post and maybe the last...

I am a 50 something male whose partner of almost 10 years has completely gone off sex following serious illness and subsequent surgery.

Following the operation she has put on lots of weight due to after-effects of illness/operation and side-effects of medication

This has not been helped by the fact that she has also been unable/unwilling to exercise at the gym like she did before

I know she does not like her body shape and has become very self conscious where previously she was the opposite.

She wont even go into private swimming pool on holiday when I am there.

This has all contributed to her loss of interest in sex and the loss of her libido.

We have tried to talk about it, but it always ends in tears as I think she somehow feels inadequate and the converstaion ends.

I now never bring up the subject.

She has basically says that she has lost all interest in sex and now has no sex drive.

I love her so much and would never leave and I want to support her.

Things have settled into a happy relationship, but with one thing missing.

I still have a high sex drive and it depresses me to think of going without sex for the rest of my life.

It depresses me even more when I recall what a fabulous sex life we had.

I find myself going into fantasy land on the internet and doing what I can to satisfy myself.

I know I could proabably start looking at "affair" websites, but I am reluctant to take that step.

In the absence of any discussion with my partner on the subject I am hoping I can get some insight and advice from the ladies one here.

I don't expect any solution to my situation, but it would help if I could understand things a bit better from a female perspective.

"Women are different from men in that the longer they go without sex the less interested they become in it

I can confirm that this is absolute bollocks!

I second that Darkesteyes. Absolute and utter bollocks!

YY Buzzard Sexual stereotypes like this serve the purpose of keeping women in the situation nice and quiet about it.

I know exactly what you are saying Darkest. The OP's partner is suffering on so many levels.

gosh...just logging back in after starting the thread at lunchtime and so many comments.

not sure where to start.

thank you for the many understanding comments and also those that gave me some insight into what my partner is going through.

I must stress that there is no prospect of me leaving my partner as I love her and want to support her.

She has recovered and is working, but not at full capacity.

I appreciate that my sexual needs may appear selfish and I do have that at the back of my mind, but sex is a powerful driver that often gets to the front of my mind.

I suppose starting this thread is one way of trying to deal with it.

I note from some comments that some of my other ways of dealing with it do not have universal approval!

Anyway I will continue to muddle along quite happy, but not totally fulfilled.

I'd find it really difficult if sex stopped completely. Even if my partner was/had been ill, I just would struggle.

Muddling along isn't the answer op. I agree that the majority of answers on your thread are not constructive and seem to assume the worst about you. I genuinely think that if a woman has posted the exact same post, the responses would have been very different.

If she took great pride in her body before the illness it suggests a lot of her identity is wrapped up in how she looks. Its common for someone with an illness to feel 'their body has let them down'. Perhaps she felt she was in control of her body and it's a shock to realise she isn't.

I have to say, though, that porn has never been my thing - I prefer the real thing tbh. I'm not sure why I'm saying that. Can't you get off without images?

I don't think you can bumble along with this, its a huge part of life. Psycho-sexual counselling? For both of you (eg you may have had a porny-based sex life together and perhaps that could be explored).

OP, I don't think muddling along is the right idea either. I think you should make sure your partner knows that you love her and will stick by her. You should put the sex issue to one side for a moment and assume for now at least that it is a secondary symptom...you need to address the primary cause. So make your project helping your wife to become happier, physically fitter if need be, more confident about herself. I think you'll find the sex issue will solve itself if she can do those things, but you can't go at it directly as this will just worsen the underlying problems.

Is she still very physically affected by the health problems, in terms of pain or lack of function?

OP

Muddling along seems to be an opt-out and not engaging with any of the comments here.

Why did you post yet you now can't respond to any of the suggestions?

If you disengage from posters and the advice they have offered, does this also mean you disengage from discussion with your partner on the issue?

IME they way people respond to advice is often the way they behave towards the issue and the people involved.

OP how old is she? Is she/ has she gone through the menopause yet?

I asked him that way back in the thread but no answer and no answer to whether the op she had could directly affect her sexual responses- ie removal of ovaries.
Don't necessarily want all the details but a yes/ no would help.

I am in a very similar situation actually Vivitron. Even down to the surgery. But I'm the woman and I have 2 small DC.

First of all, I'd just like to say how I'd feel if you were my husband. I'd be mortified by the mere idea of an 'affairs' website. Also, sex used to be very important to me when I had a sex drive. I'd make silly decisions, think inappropriately about people & situations and took ridiculous risks so I do understand how powerful a drive it is (as did Freud :)). Unfortunately I find it difficult to remember that sometimes because it's not there anymore.

Anyway, we're fairly open and honest about stuff & I'm (usually) happy to try things that may help. We also do have sex occasionally and he has to understand that I won't enjoy it but I will do it for him because I love him. I also won't fake it or make a massive deal of it just for him because that's not being true to myself... Perhaps you could just ask her for small things to start with. Things that don't require too much from her body.

For example, I'm often happy to give a beej if I can stay clothed. Sometimes touching's ok sometimes not. Sometimes I take my top off sometimes (depending on the gin intake) I'll be naked... try suggesting top off cuddles or just her touching you & so on. I find I go further if there is no pressure to do so.

I can see things from your wife's point of view,and from yours.
I had three children in six years and then breast cancer, with the ensuing chemo, double mastectomy and radiotherapy, so I have to say sex is not the first thing on my mind. DH has been very understanding and I appreciate that he has to get used to the new me too.
I'm going to be having an oophrectomy soon too, and will be talking to the gynaecologist about treatment for loss of libido.

Sorry about my apparent lack of responses, I just don't visit the site as often as some of you.

To answer some questions...

Yes she has gone through Menopause and that was at same time as op.

No removal of ovaries, but stomach "plumbing" was rearranged.

She is still in pain.

The mere suggestion of seeking help or counselling ends up in argument.

As I said we are quite happy as log as this subject doesn't come up, but it doesn't stop me thinking about sex.

I am sure she also thinks about it also and that is why I was trying to get a female perspective on what she may be thinking.

I am not expecting a solution.

Hi OP. I'm almost in the position of your DW - I've gained a lot of weight and can't imagine how my DH still finds we attractive. But apparently he does, and that's wonderful. I still hate him seeing me naked though and my interest in sex has lessened as a result of my shame in my body.

All I can suggest is that you keep showing her how much you love her. Don't initiate any conversations about her weight or sex - she is as well aware of both issues as you are and will likely shut down if you try to talk to her.

Make sure you continue to tell her you find her beautiful and attractive - BUT (and here is the very tricky part) without making it seem that you are doing so to get sex. While she's feeling insecure, she may well interpret any compliment as you trying to get sex, whether it's true or not. So, it may help to make these compliments in a setting that is completely un-sexy, like when you're in the middle of a supermarket etc.

It's a horrible situation for both of you. I hope she finds herself again and you both have a happy and fulfilling relationship.

Don't you think that not talking about this is gong to make it the elephant in the room, though?

There are often threads here from women who are deprived of sex because their partners are not interested or use it as a means of control/ power and the advice is to LTB or at least ensure he has a medical check up, counselling and knows how his lack of desire for sex is damaging the relationship.

I cannot see how this is any different except it's role reversal.

I think it's a double whammy to have a major op and go through the menopause.

However- there is help out there and menopause does not always equal loss of desire. There is a lot of medical help available for women if it's a physical issue - but they have to ask and not be embarrassed- just like a man would if he had ED ( erectile dysfunction.)

OP I personally think you should have a conversation because the more it becomes a taboo topic, the more it will be harder to change.

I think you ought to talk to your partner when the time is right- not in a confrontational way- and ask her what you can do to help her and what SHE can do to help herself. It might start with asking if she missed sex and wants to resume a sex life at some point.

SHE needs to be honest with herself first and then you. If it's a weight issue then that is solvable. If it's a hormone related problem that too is - I'll assume- treatable. (Some women get testosterone as well as HRT to help with sex drive post menopause, but she'd need to see a specialist.)

Your partner does need to take some responsibility for this as sex is an integral part of a relationship. If she is unwilling to talk about the problem then she is being unfair to you .

I hope you find a way through this because looking at porn and brushing the problem under the table is not the answer.

What Pinkfrocks said.