Meeting up with my mum today- first time in 3 years (Long and contains detials of termination, sorry)

[ChangedName350]

NC for this thread as colleagues are on here and don't know this about me. This is long so not to drip feed.

Three years ago I was in a relationship with a guy and found out I was PG. I was a bit disappointed TBH (lots more living to do, not ready to settle down etc.) but my ex-OH convinced me it'd be fine and we were ready. We told my folks about the baby and my DM was absolutely delighted- first grandchild.

A couple of weeks later I found out ex-OH had been cheating on me with multiple people and was using me as a cash cow (I earned a lot more than him). I ended the relationship and decided to terminate the PG. As I said before, I wasn't really ready for a baby and I certainly wasn't ready for a baby as a single mother.

I turned to my DM for help and a shoulder to cry on at the time of all of this upheaval. However, my DM played a bigger victim than me! She said I was being selfish, I should have stayed with my ex-OH and made a go of it and tried to change him . She said I should apologise to her for terminating the PG because the baby was everyone's not just mine (i.e. her grandchild, my brother's niece/nephew etc.) She was ridiculously excited about the baby and she had a very hard time accepting that there wasn't going to be a baby now.

After this all happened, we cut contact- she couldn't forgive me for terminating the PG and I couldn't forgive her for not being there for me and supporting me and I refused to apologise for the termination. We haven't spoken for three years since this all happened. I have still been in contact with my Dad though. Last week my Dad called and suggested we should meet up and try to move on so he's bringing her along to a café for lunch today. I don't know whether she knows I'll be there or if he's told her it's a lunch out for them two.

I'm really scared. In my heart I know my relationship with DM will never be the same but I'd like to get back to being friends (at least speaking!). I'm worried she'll reject me and my attempts to make friends again.

I'm not quite sure why I'm posting this TBH, I just needed an outlet for how nervous I feel today.

Hope it goes well.

It sounds promising that the meet up,has been instigated by your parents.

Good luck hope it goes ok

I think you need Dad to be more honest about the set-up here. 'Surprise' meet-ups might work OK in movies but, if she's an unwilling participant, you're likely to cause more aggravation. Because abortion is such an emotive subject and so personal this is going to be an issue, I think, where you end up agreeing to disagree if you're to come to terms with each other & still have any kind of relationship. You're not going to start that process if your Mum is unwillingly bounced into a reunion.

have some hugs.

you aren't a womb-on-legs. your body does not belong to your family or society. you aren't obliged to continue with a pregnancy.

having your baby would have tied you into contact with a man who cheated you and used you. you weren't ready for a baby.

a baby does not belong to a family, or to a village, or any other nonsense people come up with. your pregnancy was your own, part of your body at the time, and you did what you felt was best under your circumstances.

deep breaths and be strong.

You did the right thing for you at the time and in all honestly, in the circumstances you describe I would have done the same.

I personally feel that your DM has been very harsh on you, after all you were her baby once.

It's your life and she would not have been the one living with the consequences of having a baby.

I also feel that you have a right to know if she is going to come along. I suppose it's going to be awkward, maybe it will never be discussed again. If she approaches the subject say something along the lines of.......it was the right decision for me.

Good luck and update us if possible

Wow, thanks for all the hugs and good luck.

You're absolutely right Humble that the baby didn't belong to anyone but me and this is really the crux of why we lost contact. She felt it belonged to everyone and I'd taken it away.

Cogito Yes, I am slightly worried that she's going to be taken by surprise. Knowing my dad, I think this is more unlikely than likely but we'll see...

When my 16 yo daughter got pregnant she wanted me to make the decision of whether to terminate or not but I refused as this had to be her decision. I would have been devastated if she had terminated but I certainly wouldn't have held it against her. Whilst the decision to have the baby or not was yours it cannot be denied that the emotional impact of a baby belongs to many people. Some actions can never be "forgiven' or forgotten and your termination is one such action in your mother's eye. I hope some bridges can be re built but even if your mother is willing to speak to you, healing can be a long, slow and painful process. I do wish you well and hope that your mum is able to show you love again real soon??

why don't you check with your dad that he's told her and if he hasn't say that you need him to tell her? it's ok for you to have conditions on this you know? you need to know what you're walking into x

Hi,

An update!
I just called my dad and said I'm excited to see DM but nervous and I want to make sure she knows and is okay with this. He said that she does know. He said that they were talking about me the other day and he said 'it'd be nice to see her again', which DM agreed with so my dad jumped on the chance and suggested a catch up over lunch, which she agreed to. So, here we are.

I didn't ask about how DM is feeling about it because today is about us both reconciling and seeing how we both move on, not be pussy footing around and apologising to her. That sounds much more combative than I mean it!

heyday I absolutely agree and when it happened I sort of hoped that me and DM would share the pain and get through it together, if you see what I mean.

So, now I'm off to get my make-up on and get ready and then I'm meeting them at 12.30. Will come back and update this afternoon.

Thanks again for all your support

xx

Just another good luck shout out. You were obviously both in pain, your mother probably felt a lack of control as the decision (rightly) lay with you and therefore (wrongly) blamed you as the cause of her pain. I hope that time has helped her see a clearer picture. Best wishes.

Your ex was highly unlikely to ever change, had you been pressured into staying with him. You'd have had to accept him as he was.

I hope that you two can begin to build bridges again. Good luck, changedname

Thanks again for all of the support. I've come back to update. Sorry, this is long!!

I was an absolute bag of nerves heading into town but it was okay. They were heading to the café from one direction as I was heading from another so we stopped and said hello outside. DM gave me a big hug and told me that she'd missed me. I said I'd missed her too. We both welled up.

When we went in, as you can imagine, it was very awkward because not having spoken for three years I think we'd both sort of forgotten how to speak to each other (little mannerisms, quirks etc.). Plus, since then I've finished off a doctorate, bought a house, had a loft conversion, got a rescue dog called Andy (don't ask), had a relationship with someone (now ended) and started a brilliant career. So I really am a different person, or at least in a very different place in life, since we last spoke.

We didn't broach any of the 'big' stuff on our first meeting (i.e. the relationship, the termination, the 3 year silence) and instead chatted like old school friends who haven't seen each other for a few years. Because there has been such a long period of silence between us, I think we both need to get to know each other again before we can (if we ever do) tackle the big things. TBH, I feel as though I've moved on from it all and I don't particularly need closure so I'd be quite happy to start afresh with my mum and not mention all that went on but I don't know how she feels about that.

I invited them both over for tea in a couple of weeks time because my mum's desperate to have a nosey around my new house and my dad wants to see the finished loft conversion (was finished off about a month ago and my dad hasn't been round since). I'm really excited about it but also really anxious.

I think part of my eagerness to buy a house, do it up and get a dog was (here comes some very spurious self-diagnosis psych-babble) to sort of show my mum that I'm an adult, I'm capable of doing all sorts of adult things outside of having a child. But conversely, I've also created a really safe space in my house which is completely mine. I'd always imagined me buying my first house and going furniture and furnishing shopping with my mum but I bought the house about 6 months after we stopped speaking so I did it all by myself. I don't mean that in a 'sob sob' way. What I mean is that I felt really empowered to do it as though saying "mum you could have been a part of this but you're not". So I do feel quite apprehensive about letting her into my personal space.

So that's really the update. I'm flying high this afternoon because I really feel like things are moving forward with our relationship and I was concerned that she'd reject me. I guess I hadn't really anticipated that she'd changed and calmed down in the last three years and I expected our conversation to just pick up where it left off three years ago.

Thanks again all for your support in this- I was so wobbly this morning!

xx

So glad it went well. I'm guessing your mum feels nothing but regret for the entire sad waste and sorrow of it all. Let's hope you can slowly rebuild a new relationship together.

Dearest OP, if you were my daughter, I'd be SO bloody proud of you!

I am a bit aghast at your mother's attitude to you when you were pregnant at a time when the father had been unfaithful - she should have understood, despite her upset about no grandchild. You've done absolutely nothing wrong. I'm really happy for you that it looks like bridges are being mended and hope it continues.

Oldgrandmama, I came on to say exactly the same!

Op, what a strong, sensible and wonderful woman you are. I would be so proud of you. Look at all you've achieved all by yourself - and now you are ready to forgive your mother too! She behaved terribly towards you. You are being very kind to let her back in your life. I hope the relationship moves forward as you want it to.

Fabulous x

Wow, just wow OP. I read your update and thought what an amazing, sorted, open and accomplished woman. Your Mum, yes she behaved very badly. You meanwhile got on with your life and made it totally yours. Glad you had a good outcome with your Mum today, I agree with the other posters that I'd be proud to have you as my friend, colleague or daughter.

well done!

That's a lovely update op. I hope you and your mum are able to build a new relationship if that is what you want.

lovely to read =)

Thought I would check back in...glad it went ok

Sounds like great basis for new start, and what a amazing amount you've achieved in those 3 years :) your Dad sounds sweet too, wanting to help you patch things up, here's hoping you can build on that new start. And I LOVE a dog called Andy, how fab! ????

Hello all,

Thanks so much for the really kind words. I seem to have something in my eye now!

You're right, my dad's a star. At first it was hard for my dad because he's always been really protective of my mum to the point where she can be quite spoiled. My mum had a really shit early life- sexual abuse by her own parents and a couple of uncles, in and out of care, beaten up by foster parents, ran away at 16 and slept rough for a couple of years. Because of this, my dad has always tried to do nothing but make her happy, which at times has meant that she's been quite spoiled. Nothing absolutely huge when I was growing up but just things like she'd always get to pick what take away we had and, for example, when she said she wanted the garden revamping my dad went to the garden centre that day to buy the stuff and the garden was finished a week later.

So when me and my mum fell out my dad was really stuck in the middle; he didn't want to side with my mum because that's shit for me but didn't want to side with me because that's shit for my mum. My dad bought himself a PAYG phone and we'd sneak short conversations whenever we could. Of course, my mum found the phone with only one number on it and assumed he was having an affair! So he came clean and said he wanted to still be in touch with me etc. and my mum was very much like 'I can't stop you' so my dad would call every three or four days and pop around for a cuppa every couple of weeks or so.

I think my mum's early experiences in life are in part why she was such a cow to me when we fell out. I don't think she could cope with something shit happening to someone she loved. I don't think she was able to express that properly and so sort of imploded in anger and just shut the whole situation (i.e. me) out. I am sympathetic to that and her awful experiences in childhood but I don't think that excuses the way she behaved when I really needed her. At the time I felt like she just needed to put all of her own shit aside, swallow it and be there for me.

Anyway, just wanted to fill you in on a bit more background!

Adara Ah lovely little Andy! I rescued him after he was abused by his previous owners. He used to be called Jack but he wouldn't respond to that name and used to freeze whenever you called him. Just after I rescued him I had a few friends round for drinks and we played 'rename the dog' where we all put 3 names in the hat. Everyone apart from one guy went for proper dog names but my one friend went for 'Andy', 'Nigel' and 'Trevor'. I'm just relieved it was Andy- I'd feel a right knob shouting 'Go fetch Nigel' across the park!!