In desperate need of a bit of perspective

[AdinaRitz]

Hi I've nc for this and I wasn't brave enough to post in AIBU
I've discovered yesterday my lovely DP has been watching porn. I was looking for a website in the search history and porn websites come up. Now I'm not a prude, I've watched it myself in a few circumstances when he was away with work, I guessed he must have been watching it when he was away with work. Can't see anything wrong with that.
But - he's been watching porn at 6 am in the morning. While I'm upstairs in bed. The rational part of me is grateful he didn't come to wake me up groping me after watching a few videos. The idiotic part thinks but why not, does he rather wank at a video than have sex with me. I know, pathetic.
And the bigger (well biggest) but - our sex life is near non-existent. We have sex once a month, and that's with me initiating it and him sort of going through the motions. There's no passion. There's no expecting me to perform like a porn star either (which I read sometimes happens to men). We did discuss about it a few times and every single time, he told me he has no sex drive. I believed him and I suppose hoped things will change. But if he had no sex drive, why would he be watching porn?

Firstly, you are not idiotic or pathetic, stop beating yourself up, because your DP has done something that upsets you! I think you need to talk to him about this, when you have had chance to think it through, and work out what you would like to happen. It is completely reasonable to be upset if it seems he has replaced your sex life with porn.

I think you've answered your own question. A lot of people use erotica as a way to stimulate a healthy sex life. When it starts to replace the sex life, it's not healthy, it's a problem. If he's lying into the bargain, that just adds another level of problem

Sounds like you need to talk...

Thank you. I think the porn started after our sex life sort of stopped (that was about 18 months ago and it was initially related to stress issues that he had, independent of our relationship).
We talked a bit last night. He said he thinks the reason why we don't have sex is because I am very cold with him (I probably am now, but that's because I got fed up with being politely rejected) and because we don't have fun with each other anymore (I personally think that's an exaggeration but granted, the last few months have been quite stressful due to work, house etc). I asked how is it possible to not have a sex drive but want to watch porn, he didn't really have an answer.
I don't know where I go from here.

So he went the 'you're frigid' route... charming. Blaming you is not exactly going to enhance intimacy, fun or improve the sex life any more than the porn is. A more constructive way of approaching it would have been ... 'how can we get the fun back into our lives? how can we get closer?'...

He's in real danger of killing this stone dead.

Did he take any responsibility, or is it all down to you to keep the relationship going? Does he have any suggestions on how to improve things? Did he apologise for making you feel bad? He's not making himself look good here!

Yes he is. We did speak about that as well, how to make things better and he come up with what I suppose are the usual nuggets of wisdom - we need to go out more, we need to make an effort etc. I have no ideas. I'm numb and what remained of my confidence is shattered and to me what he did is not far off visiting prostitutes. Maybe IABU but to me in essence is the same thing, getting your kick elsewhere.
I don't see how we'd move forward, but maybe I'm too hurt to see clearly. If we did make an effort and I'd dress up and we'd go out, I'd feel a fake and I think I'd feel cheap. If we didn't have sex later that night, it'd be further rejection and disappointment; if we did, I'd feel it's all staged and part of the plan.

You don't start with sex.... Sex is the problem here, not the solution. When your relationship has fallen apart you have to take it back to first principles and that's things like trust, openness, respect, being close, being relaxed with each other, communicating, sharing experiences, spending time together. Not skipping straight to a high-pressure, sex-oriented date & not getting instant gratification from a porn site. Create the right conditions for intimacy and intimacy will happen... and that is a joint thing that, in an allegedly loving relationship, should not be a big effort.

YANBU.

He sounds like a knob.

I especially enjoyed the part where he blamed you for it.