Lack of close family for DC is weighing on my mind

[AveryJessup]

DH and I do not have very close family relationships. We're currently in the process of setting up a will for our DS and soon-to-be-born DC2 and it has been weighing on my mind that there is no-one I could really trust to be guardian to the DC if anything happened to us. We live abroad, firstly, so have no family living nearby. This is our choice though so I guess it's one of the hazards of choosing to live where we do. It does mean that extended family members are not familiar to our DS though.

In general though, even if we lived at home, we do not have close family ties.

My parents are quite elderly as they had me in their 40s and while they would have good intentions towards my DC they would never be able to take on young children.

My PILs are younger and fitter but would not welcome the prospect of taking on two young DC if anything happened to us. They would probably care for them on an interim basis until a longer term solution was found but they could never become their sole guardians.

My Dsis who is nearest to me in age is single, in her 40s, with no children of her own and a modest income. Again her intentions would be good and I do intend to name her as one of the DC's guardians but it would be a lot for her to take on 2 young children, even if we could leave an estate that would cover all financial obligations (which we would hope to do of course).

My brother does not work and has some learning difficulties so he could not be a guardian. He doesn't speak to me anyway - or to anyone in the family...

My BIL has four children of his own and does not have a great relationship with my DH either. He has had some mental health problems in the past and is currently on long-term sick leave in his job. His wife is a SAHM so while their income was good when he was working, at the moment they are facing quite a precarious financial situation.

We have close friends here and there in our home countries and where we now live that could care for DC in an emergency but we could never ask them to take on the burden of caring for DC long term. They have their own DC and it would be too much.

We also have a few cousins on both sides that we get on fine with when we see them but we don't see them much.

This really weighs on me as an issue because I feel almost irresponsible for having had DC when I can't really ensure their care if anything happens to me or DH. It was always something that worried me about having DC and that is also why I would never have more than 2 DC. Maybe this is a personal hang-up because two of my cousins were orphaned young - one was raised by my aunt and uncle as their own son when his parents died in a car crash and the other was raised by my aunt and uncle from the age of 14 after both her parents died of cancer (10 years apart). Their situations brought home to me at a young age the reality of not having your parents around. I really have no Plan A, let alone a Plan B, if that were to happen to our DC ...

So what do those of you with brittle / distant family relationships do about appointing a guardian for your DC? Do you have mutual agreements with friends? Or is our situation extremely unusual? Almost everyone I know has at least one sibling they get along with who could take their DC if required. Or they have younger parents. But in the grand scheme of things life is getting more globalized and families are getting smaller, people are having DC later in life - so we can't be that unusual either. Is anyone else in the same boat with lack of family for their DC? How did you / are you handling it?

I have 3 children, no family who could look after them, and no clue what would happen if anything were to happen to me and dh.

Firstly

My advise here is that in the here and now, you are giving your family the best you can and in reality it's very, very unlikely that a trade by will happen though I respect that you are acutely aware of wht can happen.

Your sister is an option.

Would you consider boarding school facilities and a view to summer care from those family members go might support.

Try not to let all these worries override the good things that are happening right now- baby on the way etc.

Advice

Tragedy - sorry for typos

So sort the finance first and your sister would presumably be a good option. Really though sort it now for yourself - insure you and your partner separately, include critical illness potentially and have something like a lump sum and a monthly income until age 21 for example. If one of you dies the other is provided for and if both do there is double the provision. Write your will and the trust to accommodate the needs of the career/ child and you may well feel better.

I don't think your situation is unusual, no family here we could use but friends who would be fab and who are nice enough that I don't have to worry they will bump us off for the wealth that would come their way:)

What about a mutual-support agreement with one set of the close friends? Ie, you would take their kids on, they would take yours on? Might that be an option?

I'm with you btw, having experienced loss early and known someone who lost both parents, it's irresponsible not to look after the long term prospects for your children.

It would be a hard job for your sister but if she's willing to do it, she could be a good backup option if you can't have a mutual arrangement with trusted friends. Sure it's a lot to land on her, but 2 extra grieving kids are a lot for anyone to take on, anyone at all and this is never going to be an easy situation.

Btw, where I am you can make provision for one set of guardians to be the actual child-rearers, but you can arrange it so a second guardian has an input. So for example, our brother in law could take the kids on but there could be a named English guardian too and major decisons such as school changes have to be checked with her first. She can also intervene if there is reasonable grounds for concern for welfare. Is anything like that possible where you are?

Watching with interest Op

We are in similar position older parents with only dc.

I lie in bed at night and worry about dc being alone in the world. Not just as a child but later on also.

Dp has a lovely sister who is 50 and single with no dc. She has some mh issues also. However she's warm and kind and very smart so I'm thinking of asking her if the worst happened.

I sympathise with your fears. Reassuring though that your dc will have each other.

only1, may I ask a rather difficult and leading question? Your SIL's MH issues - would they impact on your child? What I mean is, does she have a good sense on how to handle people? Don't need to answer me, and it's probably something you have already thought over a lot, it's just I guess I have a sort of vested interest due to personal experience so I'm being a bit cheeky.

Also, it might be an idea to look into what resources are available for grieving children (such as Winston's wish) and for people who have suddenly taken over child-rearing. Grieving children are not always the easiest to handle and most people aren't used to death in the way that past generations were. I'm not even sure if there are such resources available but if there are, it might be an idea to put a folder together about them for if it ever becomes useful.

Meerka of course I don't mind you asking me at all. Dp sister was treated about 10 years ago for depression and seems to revert every now and then into a bit of a shell. However she manages amazingly and holds down a fantastic job which she has had for 5 years. She is creative and compassionate and spiritual and has a lovely way about her.

We have not even asked her yet but would like to make our will with provision of her and our dd.

Our dd is 4 now and I'm so guilty of pushing this to the back of my mind. It literally puts me in tears everytime we discuss it and I know it needs to be sorted.

Lovely to hear you Meerka and hope family well.

I will read about the other points you mentioned also. Winston's wish etc.

When I see sil with dd they are like partners in crime they adore each other. It's such a huge responsibility for her though. We must chat to her about it soon.

( sorry - derailment! aww thank you for asking :) they are lovely. It'd be nice if the Pipsqueak'd sleep a bit more in the night but he's growing beautifully and has a killer smile. Older son is fab with him.)

sorry, back on thread! :)

Aww lovely....

Sorry for thread hijack Op

Thanks for all your replies. In a way I'm glad we're not the only one in this position lying awake at night worrying about our DC...

Your idea of having a second guardian is probably what we would end up doing, Meerka, so my PILs would be the child-rearers in the short term (or maybe BIL if he recovers) and then my sister could be the second guardian who has input into how my DC are raised and their schooling, welfare etc.

My main issue is the next few years when they are really young. Once my DS is around 8 or 10 it won't weigh on me so much because boarding school would be an option but at this age it is just so important for them to have a loving influence in their lives. I just wish I could magic up some fit, young, happy grandparents or loving aunts and uncles for him! It is also the coldness in our family relationships that get to me. We have not been the cause of this as we are both quite gregarious and easygoing people but our families have had various falling outs over the years so our stock of friendly aunts and uncles and cousins is pretty low . We are the youngest in both our families and it feels like older siblings abandoned us at some point and never bothered to build up the warm relationships and so we're left with no-one for our DC.

Mutual agreement with friends is something I've been considering and I have a mutual agreement with a friend here that she would be our emergency contact for our DS's preschool and can take him short-term if anything happened to us while our own family work things out. Long-term it wouldn't really be an option though. Ironically most of our friends have family members who would take their DC, either younger parents or a couple of siblings with their own children who are healthy and financially solvent. So a reciprocal arrangement wouldn't be needed from us for their DC. I know nobody who is in our exact situation... hence this thread!

I think you are massively over thinking this, in the nicest possible way. DH and I both have large families, that we are close to, but I still can't think of anyone I'd be happy bringing DS up if the worst happened. It would be a massive upheaval for anyone taking on someone else's DC and far from an ideal situation. No one else could replace you, and no one wants to think of their DC growing up parent-less. That said, if it came to it, I am sure someone would step up. It sounds like you do have lots of family, just no one who would parent your DC as well as their actual parents, which is inevitable.

I think your sister is a good bet. I am named as the guardian of my broher's child. I am single and have no children and live in a different country to him. So judging from my present circumstances I am not a good bet. BUT, if my niece were in a position where she had lost both her parents, you bet I would make it my business to parent her as well as a could and give her the best upbringing I could. Yes, it would be a big change in lifestyle, but my niece who just lost her parents would come first.

So maybe your sister doesn't seem up to it right now, but she doesn't have to be up to it either and her life doesn't require it. She doesn't have to live in a state of readiness for this event. Doesn't mean that she won't step up if and when it is required.

We have the same situation as sonja. My sister is now in a relationship and is in her mid thirties. The relationship is relatively recent but he's passed whatever test our Dad threw at him so I think he's ok .

She lives in a different country to us (my home country) but if the unthinkable were to happen, there is no one else we would want the DDs to go to. And DH's family are 45 minutes drive away.

So one potential sister and one set of parents who might be young and fit enough to take care of DC in extreme circumstances is 'plenty of family' to you, is it Flexibility? Did you even bother to read my posts?

I'm sure it's very easy for you coming from a 'large families that you are close to' but I do not have close family, that's the point I'm making. If you don't have anything supportive to say, take yourself off to AIBU. This Relationships and I posted here specifically for support and understanding, not people who are NOT in my situation judging my situation and assuming that I am just being fussy. I can tell you my entire family history if you have time but the gist of it is that we do not have close family. That is my point.

It probably is something I need to discuss with my sister, sonja. She has agreed to be DS's godmother so she is in theory in a state of readiness for the responsibility of DC, I suppose(!) but of course no-one is ever ready for the worst case scenario. I should probably talk things through with her more to set my mind at rest.

it's just the fragility of my family relationships overall that gets to me really, more than pondering this one worst case scenario. Even with my sister, if I chase her up and suggest Skype etc she responds but I do a lot of the running. Everyone else I know seems to have more functional families that keep in touch more..

I did read your post, you have parents, DH's parents, at least one sister, and a brother, DH's brother, plus various cousins and friends, yes that does sound like plenty of family. There are lots of people out there who are only children, with no siblings and elderly or deceased parents.

I don't think you have actually read my post. My point was that despite my large close family there is still no one who would realistically be in a position to take on DS. I would imagine that is a fairly common situation, as most people have the amount of children they can cope with, and would find it very hard to take on more. I was trying to offer support, but TBH I am not sure what it is you want.

Flexibility it really is something that ALL parents should think about. I was a single mum,my sister had initially agreed to guardianship of my DD. I became quite seriously mentally unwell, and then physically unwell, and at the time it was thought that I wouldn't get better. My sister changed her mind, my parents are gone, my mental ill health had meant I'd become quite isolated. DD was adopted through Social Services. And against all the odds I have got well again. I grieve my daughter daily. You don't know what will happen, you need to talk about this stuff, what if you are alive but incapable, etc. It might be rare but it does happen. I will probably not have another child because I still hurt so much from what happened - and time will tell but I pray nightly that my beautiful daughter will not have come to too much emotional harm.

Littlemiss, I am so sorry that happened to you and your DD! Believe me, I have talked about it, and thought about it, it is just impossible to come up with a definite solution. Dsis has said she would have him, but she is already a single Mum to two, and her house is only just big enough for her and her DC. We currently provide a lot of her childcare so she can work, so I am not sure how realistically she would do it. Parents on both sides have done their child rearing, and understandably I can't imagine any of them being keen to go back. They all find having DS for the odd day tiring. DH's siblings are younger and currently have no DC's, and I can't imagine DS fitting into their lifestyles. I wish I had an answer, but I don't, as I tried to explain to the OP.

having a cold family is unfortunate :( makes it all more awkward. It's a pity the friends option is so limited.

No solution really can be ideal so I guess it's a make-the-best of it situation. But I can really understand avery going through it in intense detail.

I think what your suffering from and what most parents suffer from is no one can parent and love our kids like us. They can't but they wod love them and do their best.
Your sister actually reads perfect for the roll or a friend. Once it's done you'll feel better. People change in different situations and step up to the mark. Ask for their permission , you'll be surprised at their response.