Help me I'm trapped

[Bedsheets4knickers]

Been with partner 14 years we have 2 young children . I'm a stay at home mum , I have no money of my own or qualifications to get a good enough job to afford to leave . Our relationship is dead and not happy .
I'm not sure what to do to escape this misery.
We don't home own so no equity or family help.
I don't think I can just put up shut up!
I'm scarred to go to a hostel .
How do I start afresh with no money??

Firstly, dont panic. This is solvable.

Secondly, can I ask some questions?

Is he violent? Has he ever hurt you or your children? Does he keep you short of money? Does he scream abuse at you or tell you one thing then deny it the next minute? Does he try to keep you from contacting friends or family? Does he drink or gamble?

Money is the not the biggest worry. There is help out there, and you will be entitled to claim benefits. The fact that you dont own your home may actually be a blessing, at least you dont have to deal with trying to get it sold when he refuses to co-operate.

The main issue now is you accepting that you can do this and that it is your right to do this. No one has to stay in an unhappy marriage if they dont want to.

Also, dont forget that he will have to pay child support and the CSA will take it from his wages at source if necessary.

No he's nothing bad, he's actualy very good. . This isn't a case of wrong doing simply fallen out of love probably mutual . I don't know if he lived me because we only talk about kids of an evening and even that's getting brief. He will however make splitting difficult as he'l want the kids and has a high paid salary to keep them in the life they have now. I have nothing money wise. He gives me a cash sun each wk . We are not entitled to family allowance . He's currently sleeping in the car because he's drank drove home after a works do and I've locked him out.

I'd suggest you get legal and practical advice. Also, confide in someone you trust IRL and ask them for moral support. Assuming you are in the UK CAB are very good if you can get an appointment, and they can walk you through your rights and responsibilities as an unmarried partner with children. They'll also be able to advise about things like maintenance for the children, shared parenting, what benefits might be available, accommodation options. You say there is no joint property. Is your name on any of the bank accounts?

BTW... you are entitled to family allowance (Child Benefit) but, if your current partner is a high-earner, he may have opted to cancel it rather than pay the tax. You can reinstate it when you are separated.

If you want a full breakdown of what you would be entitled to you could contact Gingerbread. They will do this for free.

Is there any reason why you don't have a joint account?

Ok il message more later ,it's my sons bday today so going to enjoy today , thanks xx

Hi Bedsheets,

You might feel trapped, but you aren't.

I think as a first step you need to speak to a solicitor - there are half an hour free consultations as far as I am aware. You can ask them what you would be entitled to, how it would work with the children since you are a stay at home mother, etc. They should be able to give you facts based on your personal situation.

With regards to work, you can look around for free university courses, or maybe training in a particular field so that you are aiming towards something.

I'm glad that nothing bad is happening in your marriage, but you aren't obliged to stay if you are unhappy.

Have you tried talking to your husband at all? Is there any way you think the marriage could be saved if you were both honest with each other and had counselling?

That might not be the case, and you might be past that point, but it's another option.

I think I'm going to mention counselling tonight. I think 14 years 2 children 4 and 20 months it's got to be done . The kids wouldn't know what had hit them if we left . They adore daddy I don't think I can disrupt them until I've tried x

Counselling relies on everyone engaging in it to be reasonable, positive, committed, willing to accept fault and willing to change. It can be used to facilitate a split and reduce disruption if you feel things have simply reached the end of the road.

Yes that was what I thought it might make the split easier if we can both come to the conclusion together . It may even save the relationship . My sons party yesterday, was so lovely I need to try x