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Relationships

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Original poster

Bondage and stuff

25 replies

somewhatintrigued · 03/09/2014 23:18

So this is an area I know very little about.....

Through an extended family situation I have become friends with a guy who lives in a different city. We have become quite close over the last six months - purely platonic but with a growing attraction.

He told me I was always welcome to come visit if I needed a break from a stressful situation I'm going through.

We've been talking about that making that visit happen. So tonight he rang me and told me he needed to share something about his life before I came to visit. That he didn't want me to arrive and discover this. He's into the BDSM scene, is a Master and has a Slave. That's his stuff. That's his thing.

I have to admit to being somewhat intrigued, and before I knew this I would have considered him to be someone that I could trust - having been through my share of frogs.

There is no suggestion that I have any part to play in any of this - unless I want to of course. I can visit, just have lunch, dinner etc with no expectations.

Given the frogs in my life, should I be on my guard or am I over reacting to read anything into this? Have to hold my hand up to being sexually quite inexperienced and feeling a little out of my depth.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 03/09/2014 23:28

He is in a relationship if he is a master and has a slave. Given that he has told you about it, it will be an open relationship (and he is not doing anything wrong, completely the reverse - he is being upfront with you), but if what you want from him is a monogamous relationship then that's not going to happen.
I suggest you have a think about your own sexual preferences (no need at all to share them on the thread if you'd rather not) if you are attracted to him. Think about how you feel about the idea of people being tied up/spanked/blindfolded/etc. If you feel, very strongly, that sex to you is about romance and passion and intimacy and that this sort of thing is a bit icky, then by all means be friends with this chap but rule him out as a sexual partner.
If your sexual fantasies tend to centre on women being the ones who tie men up and smack their bottoms, then again I would say you probably need to rule him out as a sexual partner, as you are not going to be compatible.

If you like him and want to know more, ask him about it. He has said that you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, which rather suggests that he's a nice man who could be a friend even if it's not going to work out as a romantic relationship between the two of you.

Good luck.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 04/09/2014 00:26

This is not something be dabbled with if you don't know the person well and don't trust them implicitly. That's what being someone's slave is about: absolute and complete trust.

If you ask him about it I'm sure he'd be happy to discuss it with you. If taking part in activities like this has never occurred to you then I suspect it's not your thing. And if it isn't I daresay he wouldn't be interested in involving you in it either

Meerka · 04/09/2014 08:41

From the sound of it he's more inviting you as a friend so that you can have a break than anything else? It's very clear there's no expectation that you take part unless you want to.

However, he may have a live-in slave which will really be a bit unusual to adjust to being around, but hey take a walk on the wild side =) nothing to lose, you are going to stay with him as a friend as much as anything, right?

By the way, the apparent power balance is not what it seems in this lifestyle, I believe. It is, underneath everything, a game. The slave can walk away at any time and in a healthy BDSM relationship if something they are fundamentally not comfortable about comes up, they talk it over on equal terms. There's a lot of mutual care and give-and-take. Same as any good relationship, just differently dressed up. Same with red flags of course, if you get there sense there is anything unpleasant going on then don't go back, same as with non-BDSM stuff.

Go. Tell him it's new to you, ask him for tips on handling it if you feel comfy doing that. See it as an interesting experience and visiting someone you clearly like as a friend, no need to take it further =)

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/09/2014 11:38

Is he inviting you to stay as a friend, or as a step to moving towards a relationship?
Personally, I wouldn't start anything sexual with someone who was into bdsm. I know it's not my bag and I can't be bothered with the potential crap that would come with trying to have a vanilla sex life with someone who has fetishes. If you suspect you might like to give it a try then by all means go and discuss it. But as SGB says, he has a relationship already, and bdsm isn't generally a monogamous pastime. If you're not ok with that then don't go there.

kaykayblue · 04/09/2014 12:57

I think a large part of this comes down to why he felt the need to tell you this.

Do you think it's because you guys were moving into relationship territory, and he wanted to make a few things clear about his private life?

It might also be the case that he actually has a sexual relationship with another woman (I am not comfortable using the word 'slave' in any sexual context), and wanted you to be aware of this now, as it would be an on going thing even if you two did hook up during your visit. If that's the case then it's very decent of him to be upfront about it rather than leading you on.

If you are looking for a monogamous relationship, then I would give the visit a miss. Even if you go as just friends, if you are attracted to him, then you are going to probably end up in a situation where you want to be with someone totally unsuitable for you.

I don't think this preference is necessarily an issue of trust per se. He might be a decent guy who just gets his kicks from this particular sexual phenomena. OR he could be a power hungry bully who gets his kicks from blatant domination. None of us will know that.

I would suggest that you have a think about what you want, and make this clear to him regardless of whether or not you go. It's natural to be intrigued by something new, but that doesn't mean that it's something you are going to actually enjoy yourself.

Also, whilst you might have lots of questions, you need to gauge how comfortable he is talking about his private life. Some people are very happy to talk about their involvement in bondage. For other people, it's private. A bit like how some-one might be happy to tell you before a visit "look, just to let you know that I'm gay", but would absolutely not appreciate questions like "so who goes on top? What do you do for foreplay? Have you ever even had sex with a woman?"

Just because something isn't within the "norm" (for lack of a better word there) doesn't mean it's open game for discussion.

Original poster

somewhatintrigued · 04/09/2014 13:14

Thank you :-). Plenty of food for thought there. He is being very open with me. Am thinking his friendship is more important than his lifestyle. Still not sure about the visit though...

OP posts:

kaykayblue · 04/09/2014 14:45

There's absolutely no reason why yo can't be friends with him. I don't think that's something you need to call into question. What you need to figure out is whether you can handle the friendship without any other feelings developing, if you want a monogamous relationship.

Abilly72 · 04/09/2014 17:26

He has been 'up front' as they say,about his situation and his sexual/physical likes and practices..all of which are acceptable altho often baffling to many others.
You need to make decisions on this [a] do you really want to become involved with someone who has this'lifestyle' [b] if yes how far how involoved if no then discuss with him and be firm in your resolve

Meerka · 04/09/2014 18:04

why not be friends, really. He's not conventional, but well ... so what? You've liked him up til now, he's clear you don't have to participate, you can just be friends. Why not?

Original poster

somewhatintrigued · 04/09/2014 18:26

Yep, life's too short and good friends are hard to come by. He is a nice guy and he obviously trusts me and cares about our friendship if he has shared this very private information about his life with me.

So yes, I think I'll go visit. We talk for hours and it'll be nice to have dinner with someone who cares about what I think and actually listens to what I have to say - unlike the previous FW!

As for sex - he has loads, I have none, so we are both unconventional to a degree. Interesting conversations ahead!

OP posts:

KoalaKoo · 04/09/2014 19:37

Op, if he is inviting you as a friend then he is letting you know what you will find in his home. I didn't pick up from your post, but wanted to mention that his partner could be female or male, whereas I think there has been some assumption that it is a female.

KoalaKoo · 04/09/2014 19:39

Also op if it was a platonic invitation then if it was just a sexual bondage issue he would not have needed to tell you as you would never have known. So please prepare yourself for a rather unconventional lifestyle, or the fact that he is inviting you to join them.

kaykayblue · 04/09/2014 20:31

Yeah, OP just be clear - crystal clear - that you will be visiting as a friend, not a potential lover.

And if you don't know him that well, don't stay at his house. That's just common sense!

StripyBanana · 04/09/2014 21:10

Sounds interesting :)

just be clear I your head what you do/dont want. Have you been flirty with each other? Did he give you the impression sex was on the cards? If not Id have thought it unlkkely someone :"that" into bdsm would play without a good deal of discussion first.

maybe its just to explain the rather unconventional relationship, as if youre jn their home you may see them act together in unconventional ways?

Original poster

somewhatintrigued · 04/09/2014 21:52

Just chatting with him. Have told him that I'm not into his lifestyle, but I respect his choices. He has said I am welcome to his spare room, but if I would prefer to stay in a local hotel, then that's ok too. I too would imagine that given the amount of respect and trust that is involved in his relationships, to push that on someone with no interest in it would go against the grain. He is a nice guy, unconventional tastes, but a nice guy. The furthest thing from a sexual predator you could meet. Well, that's my impression so far!

OP posts:

FreeSpirit89 · 04/09/2014 21:55

If you have time I would try and do a bit of google on the topic. Some masters have there subs on the floor. Kneeling in a sign of submission. She may have to ask his permission before doing x, y, and z.

Just know that you could be faced with anything. It's important not to judge, but also voice if it makes you uncomfortable.

If you have any questions feel free to pm me. Or ask me here :)

StripyBanana · 04/09/2014 22:02

Oh do come and report back too ;)

SolidGoldBrass · 04/09/2014 22:09

Has he told you whether his submissive is male or female? It occurred to me that he might simply not have any sexual interest in women.

Botanicbaby · 04/09/2014 22:31

There is no suggestion that I have any part to play in any of this - unless I want to of course. I can visit, just have lunch, dinner etc with no expectations.

This is the part of your post that I don't understand. Why would there be any suggestion that you have to play any part in his BDSM lifestyle? Are you friends or is he propositioning you?

Perhaps I am missing the point but if I invited a friend over to stay, to help them get over a stressful event in their life, I wouldn't see fit to disclose my sexual preferences to them on the premise they can join in if they want to.

Sounds like he is asking you to join the 'BDSM scene' rather than anything else.

Original poster

somewhatintrigued · 04/09/2014 22:34

His submissive is a woman. He says he is happy to answer any questions I might have.

OP posts:

Original poster

somewhatintrigued · 04/09/2014 22:40

Botanic....I guess I included that by way of description. The "if I want to" is me being somewhat curious, and at the same time quiet naïve. He has not suggested that I can join in if I want to. He has simply explained his preferences so that I don't find out after I get there and get angry at the omission. I guess it's important to him to be honest, maybe to preempt any possible expectations I might have had. There is a certain chemistry between us, but having posted here I have decided that his lifestyle is not for me, while the friendship is still important.

OP posts:

KoalaKoo · 04/09/2014 23:12

I still think you need to be crystal clear with him before you go, for both of your sakes. Plus I (possibly wrongly) have a slightly queasy feeling about going to stay with a couple and flirting, or even thinking about or hoping for flirting, with the husband/male partmer when you actually have no idea whether the submissive has okayed this.

SolidGoldBrass · 05/09/2014 00:02

If the man is as decent and honest as he sounds/as the OP believes, then he will have discussed all this stuff with his submissive partner plenty of times in the past.

bbombshell · 05/09/2014 00:23

Trust is a huge part of BDSM so is see it as a good thing that this guy has been so open and is willing to answer any questions, even if it is a platonic relationship

Must say some of the best sex I've ever had was while with a BDSM partner

Think I may go watch Secretary now!

Adarajames · 05/09/2014 02:29

It read to me as though he was only telling you so you'd have so d understanding if the presence of his Slave in the house, rather than it being a shock to you when you arrived, not as though he was telling you to involve you in his relationship.

And EhricLoves - plenty of BDSM relationships are monogamous, just like plenty if vanilla aren't; assuming someone isn't monogamous just because they are into kink is rather stereotyping don'tcha think?!

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