How to go forward

[Cyclops15]

Ok. First post. Ever. Been together 28yrs since 18. Stay at home dad for last 10years and partner has high powered high pressure high salary job in London. I have started my own home business and its ok. 4 years ago had breakdown due to a lot of life changes my partner wanted; i.e big house, animals, cars etc. Recently had another and just getting back to work and am currently having counselling. Her mum lives with us and is taking over all of my dad tasks but I still do the morning and evening with them i.e breakfast, tea, school runs, homework etc.

My partner works very hard and I admire her immensely, however I do not see her and we do not talk or communicate and haven't done for years. To be blunt we have completely grown apart to the point where we are strangers. We discuss kids in passing at weekends but nothing else. She drinks heavily and she is usually physically and mentally abusive once or twice a month. I am lonely, all our friends are hers due to our moving around and there are a million things that I have an interest in that she does not. I feel at a crossroads but obviously do not want to hurt the kids, but they have an inkling something is not right. I feel completely numb.

Thing is I do not want to spend the next 28years in this sort of limbo state. My folks did it and they have spent the last 20years hating each other. I also have older friends who started down that route but are now having very acrimonious divorces. I have every material thing that I could ever want but it all seems so meaningless and uninspiring and just isn't enough.

I agree from what you say that your marriage is over, the abuse alone is grounds for divorce. However, what happens now is going to need careful planning.

As primary caregiver you are entitle to stay in the house with the kids and her paying maintenance etc. Could you afford to do that?

You need to get all your ducks in a row before she gets wind of it. See a solicitor, as many as you can with your free half an hour, until you find one that fits and will fight for your rights. You need to ask about spousal maintenance, child maintenance and an occupation order on the house (she leaves, you and the kids stay) and of course residence for the kids.

If she is a fighter then be prepared for your mental health to be used against you, and the fact that her mum does some day to day stuff too.

Advice from a kid from a broken marriage... My Dad had an affair when I was 9, my parents split up for about a week. He then moved back in (I had an idea it was just for us, and later on found out it was true) and then they split up (after he had another affair) when I was 25. My parents were miserable for years because they thought staying together was better for us. This gives me (I don't know about my sister) a horrible sense of guilt - I know it wasn't my fault, it was their decision, but it's still there. Since meeting my DH and being integrated into his family I've also realised my ideas of communication and relationships weren't great - I didn't realise there was such a thing as healthy arguments IYSWIM? My parents didn't really speak, so no issues were raised, just fumed over, and nothing ever got sorted out, everything just built up. However DH's parents bicker (this shocked me when I first stayed with them), so issues are discussed in a healthy way and minor issues are sorted out before they become major issues. This was totally alien to me. So I guess I'm saying you sometimes have to be cruel to be kind. I was upset when my parents split up but I really wish they'd stayed apart rather than gotten back together into an unhealthy relationship. It didn't do any of us any favours. Wishing you and your family the best of luck.

" She drinks heavily and she is usually physically and mentally abusive once or twice a month"

Your DCs must be aware of this behaviour as well as the distance between you and it's not a great environment to grow up in. It seems pretty clear to me that your MH problems are, if not directly caused by, certainly made worse by living in such an abusive and loveless situation. The isolation won't be helping either.

You describe her as a partner rather than a wife which is significant legally & financially if you do part ways. Have you done any research on what a split would look like in practise?

Thanks all. We are married and have started discussions about how it would look, but usually alcohol takes over and the whole thing goes off course. Basically as she is the main earner she insists on keeping the house and kids, happy for me to see them but does not want them staying with me because 'I am not stable' in her words. I am able to afford to rent a small place with my own little income but am simply scared of the leap and how it will affect my relationship with the boys. I am also scared legal stuff will completely take away my small income /independence.

if you are married you are in a very strong position.
She is very misguided if she believes that as the main earner she will "keep the house and kids ".
search the web for info on divorce .
Then see a solicitor
Good luck and be happy

Your fears sound as though they come from lack of information rather than anything more concrete. As a married man you have quite a lot of rights and any property and other assets would have to be divided equally. If you have been a SAHP for 10 years, there may even be a case for spousal maintenance. As the parent with the main caring responsibility for your DCs this also would be quite significant in the event of a divorce. The test for parenting and other arrangements is always 'what is best for the DCs'

Please get legal advice rather than working on incorrect assumptions. Search the Law Society website for a family law specialist or get a personal recommendation. Some offer a free initial consultation. You are much better placed than you believe.