How to deal with nasty ex

[TeenTroubles]

I don't know if relationships is the right place for this but I know that a lot of you have abusive exes and may have experience of this. I am a regular and have name changed for this.

I am mid way through divorcing abusive and cheating STBXH. He lives abroad and since we separated he went months without seeing our teenage DS and weeks or months at a time with no contact. Recently he was forced to pay me maintenance for the first time. Since then he has been messaging DS relentlessly criticising and lying about me, trying to get DS to control how the maintenance money is spent and discussing plans to abduct DS to live with him abroad.

It is working. DS now speaks to me with utter disdain, resents my boundaries and believes everything his dad tells him. I have tried different approaches to deal with this, none of them are working very well. I have good legal help but I don't know how to deal with it emotionally.

Do you think a solicitor's letter would scare him?

He sounds an utter pig and I'm so sorry he's putting you through this :(

so sorry to hear this.

Have you read when dad hits mum by Lundy bancroft? got some good ideas.

it is not legal to remove a child from theirhome country. have you had specific advice about this. there are specialist organisations. sure I have seen other people being advised of them.

Sad how one person can inflict so much hurt on a whole family. I don't know what approaches you can use with DS but bumping this for you.

Exes so often try to justify their weaselly behaviour. At least you are aware ex is communicating with DS and DS is conveying what his father is telling him, (lies as it may be). Even at distance, STBXH is still the persecutor, using DS now - don't fall into a negative mode, of fear or powerlessness.

DS knows his father walked out and went incommunicado at a crucial time in his life. Did you ever tell him how STBXH dad cheated on you?

Seek advice from your legal advisor but remember you don't have to make fast decisions however much STBXH might push.

Thank you for your replies. He has had plenty of solicitors letters. I have had legal advise and advice from reunite. I have read the Lundy book and it is very helpful.

I guess my question is worded wrong because what I really need to know is how to deal with DS as I know that ex won't change. He will probably disappear again once the divorce is over and then there will be nothing to be gained financially by splitting up myself and DS.

DS knows his dad had a affair he made no secret of that at the time. He also remembers the abuse of me but his dad has been rewriting history and blaming me and he is very convincing, DS says he trusts and believes him.

Some of the texts he shows me, others I look at without him knowing. I only do this in case there is an imminent threat of abduction but I wonder if I should stop because its very upsetting to read the things they both say about me.

When you are looking at his phone could you block his dads number? could you download the messages onto your computer so you have evidence you could take to court to get a non molestation order for your son?

I wouldnt normally say this but your son is being damaged by this, and not just him but any future relationship he has. He could end up just like his father if he is led to believe that your marriage failure was down to you and the abuse was your fault.

How old is your son? If he is under 16 then I would be inclined to change his sim and not allow contact, and go to court to prevent his father contacting him. As he is out of the UK currently then it wont stop him but if he comes back then he is in big trouble, good way to keep him out of your hair.

I'm not sure it's possible to stop contact as its very difficult to prevent a teenager accessing the Internet and they use internet messaging apps and Skype. I agree that it's damaging for him.

I think that your son needs to believe that his dad didnt abandon him so when his dad says "I didnt want to leave, I didnt want to do XYZ, it was your mums fault" DS wants it to be true because that means that dad loves him really.

Because he knows he can trust you not to leave him, he kicks off at you and vents his hurt about his dad on you. He darent do that with his dad as he knows, deep down, that his dad could just fuck off again so he is frightened of disagreeing with him. There are 2 levels of damage here.

I think you need legal advice about this ASAP, he is being fucked up 2 ways from Tuesday.

I have good legal advise but if I can't stop contact due to DSs age and wishes how do I deal with this does anyone have experience of this?

For example DS will tell me a lie from his dad, I will tell him the truth, he will go back to his dad who convinces him I am a liar. Or I have tried refusing to get drawn into it but DS keeps raising the subject. Ex has got DS believing that I have stolen the maintenance money which should rightfully be his to spent entirely on treats. I have tried explaining, as has another trusted family member. DS is very up and down with me, sometimes fine, sometimes he hates me although I do realise that's normal for teenagers.

I have no direct experience of this from an adults point but when I was growing up my mother went through similar with my brother, so just thought I'd tell you how she dealt with it.
She sat him down (well us by default but it was more for his benefit) and just said (quite gently) 'so what's going on with regards to your dad' left it a few minutes for us to respond and then followed it up along the lines of "look I know your missing him, and I'm really happy that he has gotten back in touch with you but im upset with the way you are behaving towards me since he has so I think we need to talk about this....so can you start us off? What have I done to make you so angry?' And she waited and listened to my fathers version of the truth come out of my brothers mouth.
She then merely stated to my brother along the lines of 'we both know that what you've just said, and what your dad is telling you isn't the truth don't we? Your dad left because he is an alcoholic and he hit me...can you remember how upset we all were when that happened? Is it okay for him to do that?..it's not is it? But he is a grown up and he chose to do that. He couldn't live with us after that because we shouldn't have to live being scared, it's not okay for an adult to hit another adult and what if it hadn't of been me? I couldn't live with myself if he had gotten angry and hit you. You dad will tell you it was my fault because it's easier for him to believe that than admit to himself that he is to blame for this situation...the same with him not seeing you. I've never stopped him, I rang everywhere trying to get hold of him and when I did he was in the pub, I told him you where upset and wanted to see him but he still didn't get in touch so is that my fault?'

Obviously there was to-ing and for-ing throughout the conversation but the above was the gist of what she said to us, and then she went on to say that it was okay to feel angry, and that we could talk to her anytime if we did because she would always be there for us, just like she always had-but it isn't okay to take your anger out on people and upset them and that she cannot accept that. By this point I think she had gotten to the route of why my brother was angry (obviously he was angry with my dad but taking it out on mum' and she sympathised, empathised, hugged him etc and told him it was okay to feel that-she felt a bit like that too because she loved dad but he had let us all down but we have to stick together because it was just us now and that dad telling lies was him still trying to hurt us all and that a not fair.

I know it was different scenario than yours is, but just hoped what she said to us may help you, and to be fair my dad proved her right time and time again so my brother soon saw it wasn't her lying, by which point we used to get off the phone, she'd see our face and ask 'so what's the excuse this time?' We'd tell her what tripe he's given us, have a bit of a wry laugh about how lame it was and then she'd hug us and offer to do something fun for the day/watch a movie/play on the Nintendo....my brother soon realised she was the good guy and she taught him to deal with his anger more appropriately. Oh and I think he did have a period of counselling at school.

This is a horrible situation for you to be in, TT . Presumably you've told your son exactly what maintenance money is intended to cover, as opposed to "treats"?

Have you asked your son to consider whether, in his experience, you have ever lied to him/let him down/neglected his needs (as opposed to wants) and so on? I have found this to be somewhat effective if the subject's raised when you're both calm, rather than as part of an argument. Obviously you should avoid the temptation to throw his father's behaviour into the conversation, but the object is for him to draw his own conclusions about that. By gritting your teeth and continuing to be fair, reasonable and constant you'll be helping your son realise you are the stability in his life.

On a more practical note, ensure that your son's passport is in a secure place inaccessible to him. I recall previous threads where posters have been advised to take steps to prevent the ex from applying for a "replacement" passport, but can't remember how this is done - someone else should be able to advise.

Until we helped our DCs with a budget before leaving home to be students I'm not sure they entirely grasped what we spent on them other than a vague idea of "keeping a roof over their heads: feeding + clothing them".

Maybe produce a list for DS?

Clothes
Shoes
Toiletries/haircuts
Presents for pals' birthdays
Family holidays
School trips
Out of school activities (sports, music lessons etc)
Leisure activities eg cinema/ten pin bowling etc

The best things in life are free they say, well your ex evidently thinks so.

Perhaps it's time for a few home truths for you son. Ask him if he realises that his father's motivation to poison him against you stems from his hatred of you, NOT for his love for his son. At least you love your son more than you dislike your ex. Your ex couldn't say the same thing.

Thanks for sharing your experiences and advice that's all very useful.

I have safety measures in place for the passport.

DS resents anyone who says anything negative about his dad. The only family member he really trusts is someone who has never criticised his dad even though in truth he hates him. This family member has spoken to DS about maintenance and the cost of bills, food, clothes and DS has taken it on board (for now) so things have calmed down a bit the past few days. It also helps that he's more interested in texting his girlfriend than his dad right now.

The amount of bile about me coming from his dad and the secrecy and plotting is still a huge worry.

Teentroubles: I am in exactly the same position as yourself and have no idea what to do.

mum786 can you give us some details? Maybe I or others on here can help. I have at least achieved some progress in the last few days in that DS is having ongoing texts with ex, no doubt full of bile, yet things have stayed happy between myself and DS. This is partly thanks to a family member who spoke to him do you have anyone like that who your DC trusts? Because if they are teenagers they just think your opinions are rubbish but they might listen to someone else.