Feeling guilty about my reaction.

[Beenice]

My XH had an affair. I was completely devastated and didn't accept for a long time how badly he was treating me (he would tell me he wanted our marriage to work and then I would discover he was in contact with her and still meeting her etc). We have 4 children together and had been married for 17 years. Finally, 2 years after finding out about the affair, I left him and started divorce proceedings. I started to train in a new profession and took care of our children all of the time. He would see them when he felt like it. The divorce took over 4 years as he dragged his feet at every opportunity (I should have listened to my solicitor and gone to court sooner - but I was still naive and couldn't believe he would treat me so badly). He continued to live the life of riley and spent tens of thousands on holidays, gifts etc with his other women (not just one).

Well yesterday I met a lovely lady and she told me how her husband had died suddenly. I know that this will have been terrible for her and her children and I felt instantly sad for her but I felt jealous and I wish my husband had died suddenly. My children and I would have had lovely memories. I would not have felt a failure for getting divorced ( I know it was not my fault that he cheated, but I feel if your husband has an affair people think that there are 2 sides to every story.) I would not have felt rejected and he would not have rewritten history to fit his new life. I would have been devastated that he had died but I think it would have been easier. When they lie and cheat they steal your past as you question how you could have felt you had a good marriage.

I wanted to write this down as I feel guilty for feeling this way.

Don't feel guilty. How you're feeling is very real, and very valid.

Putting myself in your shoes I can understand why you felt the way you did.

It's just a passing thought, don't put too much emphasis on it.

I do kind of get what you are saying, however it is a very, very bitter thing to wish. Just remember that "the grass is always greener". Had your husband died suddenly you would yes, remember him as a lovely man, but you would have had no idea that he would end up having an affair etc. As you would not have known this and our tendency as humans to remember only the best of lost loved ones I think the reality of it would be much more painful for you and your DC to have lost a loving husband/father, than dealing with fact that the man you married happened to be or become a scumbag.

Don't feel guilty, he changed your history, what you thought you had etc you hadn't.
Acknowledge the feelings and move on, its normal, your human. He is a twat, you are a nice person.

Thank you for the replies. You're right Icon - it was just a passing thought. Overslept - I wouldn't wish any one dead really, I should have said it would have been easier if he had died. I still care about him now when I see him, I remember the better version of him before he started taking cocaine and thinking he was so great mixing with the party people. Yes Toda he did become a twat.

to be honest I think you underestimate what grief can do to somebody. I know you don't ever want to see your x husband again probably but if he no longer existed things would feel quite different

An elderly woman spoke to me today about her husband who has early Dementia. He threatened to punch her and when asked by his GP if he remembered doing it he said that he did. He decided on a whim that he was going to another city three hours away by train. He wouldn't tell her the time of the train so he missed the train but got the next. When in the other city he phoned to say he was lost could she direct him. She said she wished that he had gone to the harbour and drowned. He is clearly abusive to her and although she owns the home doesn't feel she can throw him out. He is an ex Minister. I can see where you are coming from.

Hi op. I remember when my mum split up with my dad (who had been having an affair) she said exactly the same thing. Don't feel bad. You don't mean it in a literal sense and are clearly very angry and hurt still which you have every right to be.

I can totally understand your thoughts. Don't feel guilty. It would have spared you a lot of pain and it's human to not want to endure emotional anguish.

Thanks ladies, I am moving on I was just surprised by how I felt. BigPaws - I think going through a separation and divorce following a partners cheating causes a huge amount of grief. I have experienced grief following the death of close family members and the pain from ex's behaviour was far, far worse.

You should never ever feel guilty for how you feel! It's how you feel and is therefore valid.
Death often means that we can remember people the way we want to but he took away all the fantasy about how your life was so you can't even look back fondly at the past. No wonder you thought that. It doesn't make you a bad person, just one who wishes her past hadn't been taken away from her.

I'm so sorry he put you through so much.

The saddest thing of all is that it's been documented that children who have a parent die when they are young fair better than those whose parents divorced - I reckon that is due to the high percentage of bitter divorces that occur where one parent just absconds

You sound human to me, I too am sorry that he turned into a nasty twat.

It's a bereavement of the life you thought you were going to have although nobody died. I felt the same about XH at first, I wished he would die and at least that would justify how I was feeling and I suppose less of a failiure - with hindsight thats ridiculous but real at the time.

I don't think anything about him now, complete indifference although if pushed he is still a lying cheating thieving twat

Nothing to feel bad about OP. I think you would be better off if he had died.

There, I've said it. It's true.