I went NC with narc Mother. Now she's sucking me back in

[CalamityClara]

I just don't know how to handle this.

I am the eldest of three and my mother never really liked me. She was very emotionally unavailable when I was growing up and very critical of everything I did. I have huge self esteem issues and still carry a lot of hurt inside me because of her actions. She continues to treat me this way even though I'm now nearly 40 and have dc of my own.

I tried to address the issues about a year ago and she became very aggressive and refused to accept how I felt. After reading lots of threads on here I decided to go no contact with her and it has actually been lovely. I actually felt so relieved to have her out of my life.

Six months have past and last night I got a message from her asking if she can come and see me and dc at the weekend. The message was really breezy, like nothing has happened at all. I tried so hard to ignore her but now I've just replied asking her why she wants to come round :( I know from reading advice on here that I have done the wrong thing but I don't know what to do know.

When I think of her I get such a mix of feelings. I feel angry, hurt and scared but also I feel desperate for her to love me. I'm so confused.

Hugs to you, I have no idea what to advise but I could have written your post. I have had nc with mine since May, but it is her birthday in a few days and I am really struggling to know what to do.

I've got to run, I'm so sorry! But I just wanted to say I am in exactly the same boat. It's so hard - I want 'a mum', and every time her sucking in works because I hope that maybe this time we can make it work. But I know she never will get it - which makes it worse because I know what's coming, I can't stop myself from trying - it's like pressing the self destruct button. Then I am so disappointed with myself...

I don't know what the solution is, but I know in my head I would be yelling 'STAY AWAY' to myself. One day I will listen.

Thank you. I didn't even send a card for my Mothers birthday. I just completely ignore it. It was very hard to do that though.

MrsR, I'm exactly the same. Always longing for a real mum but knowing it'll never happen.

I would ignore any future text messages she happens to send you because you've unfortunately now given her an "in" to perhaps bother you even more.

Do your siblings have any sort of relationship with her (also it must be noted that it is not possible to have any sort of a relationship with a narcissist anyway).

Unfortunately you are going to have to accept that your mother will never be the kindly loving mother you so want her to be; that fantasy will have to be fully let go of. Many adult children of toxic people have FOG in spades; fear, obligation, guilt. Your mother has made the terrible choice not to love.

She will NOT change. It is not your fault she is like this.

I would suggest you have a look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages and read the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.

I would continue to keep her well away from yourself and your children; no direct contact at all. Narcissists tend to either overvalue or under value relationships with their grandchildren and can do their own lot of harm to them as well, your most precious resource. Apart from that, they make for being deplorably bad grandparents as well, I cannot overemphasise enough their complete lack of empathy towards others.

I'm not sure how helpful this will be because my position is slightly different.

I have been NC with my father for a number of years - partly his choice, then subsequently mine when he totally ignored the arrival of DS despite me swalloing my pride and sending him a letter about it.

In the last year I have started seeing him again in very controlled conditions - out watching DS play rugby for a few hours once a month. I very clearly told him what he needed to do in order to become a part of DS's life and to be fair he has pretty much stuck with that.

The big differnce though is in me. I have accepted the father I got dealt rather than the one I deserved. Until you can truly accept that and not feel the urge to beg for attention and try to please her, then I think you will find it difficult to have contact again.

I feel very different about him now, I don't trust him, I think he has narcissistic tendencies and ill therefore always do whats best for him first and let ds down in the process so I'm fiercely protective and stage manage their contact very carefully.

But it is helping DS have contact with his grandfather and in many way the fact that I can be dispassionate about it and deal with him sensibly helps me too. But it has taken about 15 years to get to that point!

Thank you. I know I've totally done the wrong thing by reply to her. I given her what she wanted again. I have almost reached the point of fully accepting that she will never be the Mum I so desperately needed. I just still occasionally start thinking that maybe this time she'll change, she'll finally realise she got it wrong.
I need to get past this.

Hi Clara,
Well done on the six months! It is a relief and that trumps the stain of sadness that can accompany the decision to go NC. Try to coach yourself to put that sadness in a box and bury it (mine is being held very securely in the local landfill), or as a current popular song says: "Let It Go" (maybe out of context but ykwim).

On replying, yes, the gold standard is to not respond, period. A response opens a dialogue, and that presents a chance for the manipulation, guilt, shame, control, etc to flow freely back into your life. It is hard to fully believe, down to the core of your soul because of the instinctive need for a mother's love, but such people will not ever change. Whether it is a parent, sibling, colleague, boss, neighbor....they just don't change. When you fully embrace that fact, you will find a more authentic and true healing begin to mend your heart, mind, and soul.

Even politely declining, a reply of "No" or "No, thanks" will open you up to animosity, a verbal spanking, if "Get that No into a Yes" mechanism doesn't work for the controller (plus the time to detox from that).

Has she responded? It will be harder now, because denying her "heartfelt" reasons will make you seem to be the bad guy here (which is why it is best to not begin at all). You will be well served to develop a talent for having a full schedule.

kewcumber put her finger on it.

You're wanting and longing for a loving mother and that keeps you coming back. Like a dog that's been kicked and kicked and occasionally gets a doggie-treat and so it keeps coming back and hoping. It's called Operant Conditioning.

Now you're coming back hoping and hoping. The boss is calling and promising, because the disobedient dog dared to run away and the boss knows you catch more with honey than acid. But the chances of getting one drop of honey and then 50 of acid are very, very high.

Two other things: Ignoring (justified) concerns you raised is classic toxic-parent tactic. Also, she was pretty bad to you. I don't think she is likely to be good at all for your children.

if there was any hope for the future, then she'd need to agree to talk about your concerns in a neutral place and to take them seriously. Then she'd need to prove that she genuinely was changing by observing her over time. Change can very, very occasionally be possible, but it starts by accepting that maybe she hasn't been perfect and being willing to genuinely talk.

This isn't it.

Grieve for the mother you want and you do deserve. Give yourself time for sadness and longing. But look clear eyed at what you actually have. Don't, don't let her just breeze up.

Thank you so much for your replys. I've never felt that anybody ever really understood it before until I just read your words.
The image of the kicked dog is so sad but is absolutely spot on. That's exactly what I'm like. It hurts so much. I just don't understand her. Your Mum is suppose to be a person who loves you unconditionally. Who is there for you no matter. My mother despises me. It makes me feel defective, like there's something really wrong with me.

She did reply. She completely ignored my question and said I was bitter. She also said there was no point in her talking to me because I just believe what I want to believe anyway. She finished by tell me that she didn't deserve my 'hurtful' behaviour.

It was just the same old stuff she always said. She hasn't changed by even the tiniest amount. I really don't like her at all anymore.

Meerka, that's a good point about looking at what I have. I'm very blessed to have 3 amazing dc and I'm going to make sure they grow up feeling loved and supported.

OK, you had a temporary weak moment and responded ... it's not the end of the world and yes, now she'll reply about how she wants to see the grandkids blah blah. You DON'T have to respond to that, let alone permit her to visit. It's a blip in your NC stratagem, nothing more. Believe me, you've done the right thing in going NC. My own experience? My mother never wanted me, used to say how she tried to abort me. I cannot remember ever having a kiss or a cuddle from her, only my face slapped for no more reason than she 'didn't like the way I was looking at her'

But I kept trying ... when I had my own darling children, she started on them, especially my beautiful daughter ( I could start a whole new thread about this). Eventually, she went too far and I went NC and yes, felt SO much better for it. Absolutely no guilt whatsoever, but then I'm probably a hard-hearted old bitch, not like OP, who sounds lovely. When my mother was dying, in a wonderful nursing home (though she'd caused no end of trouble there and if she hadn't died, they'd have thrown her out) I did visit and - gasp! - she sort of apologised for all she'd put me through!

Too late, of course. Do I have regrets? Not a single one. Nor should OP - she deserves peace and love, for herself and her family. Yes, she's opened the door a crack when it comes to re-establishing contact with her toxic mother, but hey ho, we all make mistakes, and I suggest she slams the door firmly SHUT right now, and if mother kicks off, bloody tough.

I feel desperate for her to love me, i know that feeling OP - sending you hugs

stay strong. in situations like this we not only have to "accept" the kind of parent we've ended up with as opposed to the one we want, we also have to grieve the loss of the parent and love we wanted and needed. because that's what it's like ultimately - a death.

was for me anyway and once i dealt with it as such it lost it's emotional hold over me, leaving me much stronger to detach, disengage and remain nc

She did reply. She completely ignored my question and said I was bitter. She also said there was no point in her talking to me because I just believe what I want to believe anyway. She finished by tell me that she didn't deserve my 'hurtful' behaviour

you have your answer. If you let her back in, she will not change.

I've been nc with my mother for 2.5yrs.

You ignore everything. Birthdays pass; cards and gifts are ignored; texts are left unanswered like they didn't happen...

Once you really get your head round what being nc means, it's actually really easy. But it can take a while.

I tried to go nc for 10 years before I finally managed it.

Good luck

I'm sorry others have been through such horrible experiences too.

I wrote her a huge ranty email earlier but I didn't send it. It did feel good to get it out though. I feel so rubbish today now. This will absolutely be the last time she makes me feel like this.

It is grieving isn't it. Grieving for an imaginary Mummy though. A Mum who would stroke my hair as we cuddled up on the couch. A Mummy who would sooth me when I'd hurt myself. A Mum who would always be there when you needed her, arms open wide, ready to love you.
Not a mother who stonewalls you for 4 months when you're suffering with depression and begging for help.
I need to think on this for a few days. I think I need to do something as a way of completely letting her go. Something quiet but significant to me. A way of scattering the ashes of my dream Mummy. And I did love her once, before I realised she wasn't real.

And can I just say 'Fuck you Mother. You nasty, self centred witch.

Yes, it is grieving. Takes bloody forever to really see past the brief good experience and the long years of uninterest and unkindness accompanied by and followed by nastiness.

Your summary hits it exactly. A Mummy who would stroke my hair as we cuddled, a Mummy who'd sooth me when I'd hurt myself. A Mummy who would always be there when you needed her, arms open wide, ready to love you.

lookingthrough the fog had a great suggestion. Write two letters, one to the mther you have, and one to the mother you should have had and deserved to have. It's surprising how effective it can be. Don't send them, of course.

NC with my narc mum for 10 years now. Ignore, ignore and ignore.
They keep trying though.

I'm going to do the letters, it is a very good idea. I do deel like I have so much to let out.

Do you find that no matter how old you get there's a tiny part of you that remains that confused little girl desperately try to please her Mummy. I need to say goodbye to that little girl.

one to the mother you have, and one to the mother you should have had and deserved to have.

A very minor correction to the suggestion I made - the first letter is to the mother/father/whoever you have, and the second is to you. Almost like a letter you could imagine a normal mother sending you.

It might well be that writing to the mother you wished you had is also healing - I haven't tried doing that, but the letter to yourself is really important.

Do you find that no matter how old you get there's a tiny part of you that remains that confused little girl

Yes - this is the little girl who needs a letter from you. You need to tell her how brilliant she is, and how none of this is her fault.

When we have narcissistic parents, we never learn to self-nurture. Because the nurture wasn't there, we were never handed that gift. It's a really important thing to learn to do.

Yes. I do feel that a tiny part of me has stayed that confused little girl, though the circumstances were slightly different. Not so tiny either, truth be told.