This won't work - separated husband wanting family time

[justfoundout2014]

I have had several threads about former sahp H who had an affair with a mutual friend, mainly when I was at work. He has now moved out to a friend's place and, as he still has no job, is coming back here to do before and after school care. I am really struggling with it. Every time I see him, it sets me back. I either find him cold or standoffish, or, if he is clearly trying to be nice, that upsets me too. He says he doesn't know how to be around me atm.

At weekends, his idea is that we still spend time as a family, so on Sunday we spent most of the day at a country park and then he made tea. Then he had to catch the bus home while the dc were in the bath. I cry every time he leaves.

When he left, he said he wanted to work on the marriage and that it would only be for six months. We need a break, apparently. A break from what? I know it is most likely that he is seeing ow, but he says it's not about her, but that she is now a good friend . He has 'hardly seen her' .

On the one hand, it is better for the dc like this as normality is almost preserved but it is hell for me and probably lulling the dc into a false sense of security. We both agreed it would be better for the dc if we separated due to the 'atmosphere', but this way, they are still exposed to it - though they seem happy and, I feel, don't seem aware that their whole way of life hangs in the balance.

I don't know what to do. Childcare is so expensive and with him not working, no maintenance means it's just impossible for me to not let him do the childcare. He is looking for work, but wants to do fairly specific things. If I stopped him coming at weekends, the children would suffer as he has nowhere suitable to take them atm. I feel so trapped. it is like I am expected to maintain everything so he doesn't have to face the reality of what he has done. His dm has offered me money to do some jobs around the house, and I feel her motive is the same - to enable me to keep everything as it is so her access to her dgc is not disrupted.

I don't know how I can do my job in these circumstances - mentally and just the practicalities of fitting it all in without the domestic support he used to give.

I feel so desperately trapped and can see no way out. Please help.

"I would be inclined to make use of him to mind the children in the mornings - ie you leave the house as soon as he arrives, he gets them breakfast and off to school, that would mean you could get into work earlier, do some of your planning/marking in the mornings and therefore leave earlier in the evening, cutting the child care need (cost) in the evenings"

The one very obvious flaw in this suggestion is that the husband will have free access to the family home all day while the children are at school. That's plenty of scope to make himself at home, pry through the OP's things, eat her food, use the heating. He has no job. He's staying with a pal. That's not likely to last terribly long once it's obvious that he's a financial burden on said pal, so making himself scarce and not using the pal's stuff during the day is probably quite attractive. And then he'll be wanting to come back. In fact, the only actual change to the current arrangement will be that he won't be sleeping elsewhere every day.

I'd be busting a gut to have alternative child-care arrangements in place so he can be told to fuck off and stay bloody-well fucked off. I'm aghast at his bare-faced presumptuousness

I am not sure how old your children are but it won't be this way forever. You don't have holidays to cover but you do need to start looking for a plan B because should Ex actually get a job you are going to have to find an alternative childcare.

Spending time with your ex is also not helping you heal. I suspect you are paying for family time to. If he takes DC out will give you time to get on with the planning and marking meaning you can spend more quality time with DC without walking on eggshells.

I am also not surprised you need counselling. He has treated you appallingly and still is while you smile hold it all in while you play happy families on his terms. I suspect he is partly keeping you close so he keeps his options open. I suspect given some space you will realise how much more you deserve.

I really hope you haven't been scared off by our words OP they are harsh because the situation demands it. It's down to you to make changes for the benefit of you and the children. Anything he suggests is for his benefit alone.

You need to plan now because if like a pp says he does get a job he will have no qualms about leaving you in the lurch with childcare. Don't think he couldn't - I bet you like all of us thought he wouldn't cheat either.

Firstly, he needs to get a job . Tell him to get off his backside and find work.

That way you would have more money to spare ( when you aren't feeding him and paying for everything ) to organise childcare . The children won't be this age for ever and things do get easier . Also , stop the " happy clappy " weekends as a " family " . If he wants to take them out , great. But he takes them away from the house and finds things to do that allow you free time and don't involve you in expense. When he brings them back simply say " had a good time ? Lovely . See you next weekend ". Don't allow him back into your home and feed him a nice supper .This scumbag has cheated on you and now expects you to pay his way and still have a nice easy life .

Get a lodger. There are always people looking for digs .. any young teachers at your current school needing somewhere local to stay ? Ask others at your school for information about this .My friend had a lovely young PE teacher lodging with her for about 8 months when her "D" H decided that he needed the batchelor life .The money was very useful and she had adult company she enjoyed and had a real laugh at times !

Don't worry too much about your children . It's sounds as if they are loved by both parents who want to make their lives happy . That's the basic stuff covered . Anything else like trips , new clothes etc. are luxury extras .

Start making this man step up to the mark . He only wants to do " specific " jobs .... really ?? what is he living on at the moment ? Who pays for his food ? Transport ? Bills ? Other adults take any work they can get to keep the wolf from the door and so should he. Yes, he was the stay at home parent and did a good job by all accounts but then he started having sex with another woman so all bets are off ! Life changes because of crap like this . Yours has . About time he experienced some grown up changes too.