How much time do you spend with your partner? And what do you do with that time?

[TheDetective]

My partner has left me. He cited several reasons. One of them being I don't give him enough of my time.

Please be honest with me. In a long term relationship with children, how much time do you spend with your partner. And what do you do in the time together?

I need to see if I've been unrealistic in my efforts. We rowed about it 3 months ago. I've made an effort, but my effort wasn't enough for him.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. DH and I have dinner together each evening and then chat or watch telly. This is unless one of us is out which is maybe once a week. We also try and have a weekend away together leaving DC with grandparents once every couple of months.
We probably manage more time together than plenty of people though- everyone is different. It sounds like your DH has been expecting you to do all the work rather than both making time for each other.
Do you want to share anymore about your relationship and get some views? Or were you just wanting to know how other people live?
Hope you're ok.

DH and I have dinner with our ds and chat about our days. Then when the dc are in bed we usually watch some TV/play games etc. At the weekend we make sure we do something as a family both days. The evenings are a little difficult as we have a newborn but we normally have a takeaway/nice meal just the 2 of us when ds is in bed.

I agree that sounds like an unusual reason.

I can't compare too much as we work different shifts - but with childcare there's not a huge amount of time you can spend together, is there? Evenings once the kids are in bed?

Unless you were spending an awful lot of your evenings and weekends doing a sport of hobby, I can't imagine there was much else you could do. Unless he wanted the kids packed off all the time, in which case he is probably a prick.

No hobby, not out the house (unless in work).

He just means I'm here, but not with him. As in I'm in the room, but doing other things either on my phone or computer, or other stuff.

So how much time do you spend actually talking to the exclusion of everything else every day with your partner?

Probably a few minutes, if that. He's out working most of the time, watches football on Saturdays and plays tennis the rest of the time. We are rarely in the house together, without dd, and don't "do things" together.

"...here, but not with him. As in I'm in the room, but doing other things either on my phone or computer, or other stuff."

I have to say - this is honestly one of the main reasons I'm considering leaving DP at the moment. There are other exacerbating factors as well of course, but I'm completely sick of coming second to Facebook or Twitter or some daft game on his iPad. We'll sit together on the sofa most evenings so are physically spending time together but most of this time there's absolutely no emotional contact. Most of the time he'll be so wrapped up with the iPad in front of his face that he'll blank or ignore whatever I say, meaning conversation is impossible. I've been angrily told on several occasions that I'm "interrupting" if I dare ask about his day/try to tell him about mine/ask what he wants for dinner/try to instigate chat whilst he's doing super important stuff like messing about on FB or beating his. Except I can't wait until he's finished before I start speaking to him so as not to be "interrupting" because he'll spend several hours at a time glued to his phone, iPad or laptop and oblivious to the world. It's fucking miserable and I hate it.

Be honest, OP: do you spend a lot of time in the same way? Or do you genuinely feel you give your OH quality time?

Aw think this is so sad there must be something else. Tbh I hardly see my OH alone, weve been living with each other a few months and both have children so its very rare for us to be totally child free. He works all day gets home around 4ish apart from days he works over and dont see him until 8ish, he goes to bed fairly early between 9-10pm and im usually still up sorting stuff out so we miss out on a bit of time together there.

When we do get time alone we will just do simple things like go for a walk with the dogs or go for a drive somewhere nice if throught the day, at night if he doesnt have to get up for work we will just snuggle on sofa and watch tv and stuff our faces :)

I think this is a very difficult one, looking at it from the outside.

On the one hand I don't imagine many couples spend those 2-3 hours of the evening when the kids are in bed having heart-to-heart conversations the whole time. My impression is most people will have to do a bit of housework and make dinner, and then might watch some TV together. We, for example, will spend an hour or so together after DC goes to bed, where we eat and watch telly and chat, then the last hour of the evening is often spent in different rooms going our own things, our own interests. Then bed together.

However the time we spend doing our own interests - and despite being grown adults, I am talking about gaming, MN, things like that - is generally spent deliberately apart. If we're together then generally one of us is not mucking around online as well. If he switches off and starts pissing around on his phone when I'm chatting - that's plain rude. If we're watching telly together, for example, then we are watching it together, and it is something we both like, and are both interested in, and we will both focus on it and chat about (though I appreciate that won't be everyone's cup of tea!)

What sort of stuff are you looking at on your phone or computer? What is he doing when you are doing it?

comtesse summed up my feelings too. When we're together we should be 'together'.

We go about our business but meet on the sofa for telly every evening. Boring to most I'm sure but it's 'our' time and I'd really resent sharing it with a bloody computer or iphone.

It's a courtesy thing really. If you're doing things on another platform then you're just not really bothered about spending time with me -and that would hurt if it were a regular occurence.

We wake together every day, chat before work, have tea and toast together.
Work all day, separately.
Sometimes after work we go to the gym together, or an activity with our children such as a bike ride. Sometimes he'll just go to gym, sometimes me.
Spend evening together, cooking and watching tv.
We go to bed together every night, chatting in bed is really important. Sometimes we look at our phones but usually only a quick fb catch up.
Weekends are spent doing hobbies/housework.
I occasionally see my friends or he'll see his but generally we socialise together.
Works for us, can't imagine any other way.

If he was on phone/computer all the time we were together it would be a massive problem to me. And I would think the other way around too.

We spend time in a room together, or in the house together, but probably not that much time actually communicating unless we are out somewhere.

Normally he likes to be alone in the morning to have some time to himself before work. So he gets up early and does his thing, then he wakes me up with a hug when he is about to leave, and we say goodbye.

He leaves at 0830 and gets back around 2030 most nights. It's a walking commute, so that's all time spent in the office for him. If he gets back earlier it's because he is going to do sport (maybe twice a week during the week).

When he gets back we normally have a chat as I am doing stuff, he talks about his day and vice versa, or we chat about random things. Then I will cook dinner whilst he chills on the sofa or does some organisational stuff for the house (I'm happy with this as I love cooking). While dinner is in the oven we will both be on our computers, but every few minutes say something to the other and have a little chat, then go back to what we were doing. At dinner we will chat about random stuff, then he will clear the table and I will wash up. We then watch things together on tv and have a little commentary between us, or chat about things that need doing. Then bed.

Sometimes when he gets back I am doing laundery, or doing sport, or on the phone, so we won't chat until I'm done.

We don't have children, so that's a huge difference. I think though, generally, it's a very personal thing about how much time you spend actively engaging with each other. We both like to have time to have our own space and do our own little thing, but we don't exclude the other whilst doing it (as a poster mentioned above getting told they were "interrupting").

I find it a strange reason for your DH to give, unless yo were actively shutting yourself away from him, or refusing to engage at all.

Just came back to say, I hope you're doing reasonably okay - any relationship break-up is horrible, and particularly so when you're told more or less out of the blue that your partner is leaving. Do you have any RL support and a shoulder to cry on?

You've said that there are several reasons he gave you for leaving: you haven't detailed the others but it seems very likely that it's a mixture and build up of a number of things rather than you just not spending enough time together. I know it is in my relationship, even though my above posg focused on the present-but-absent issue. How long have you been together? If a long time then do you think there's any chance of reconciliation (if you want that, of course) with couples counselling to get to the root of what the issues are, why your OH feels you don't give him enough if your time and what you can both do to ensure you do spend quality time together?

Huge and , Detective

My DP works 15 hours a day in a different country, but he phones me when he wakes up, on his break and when he gets in from work, normally at 1am our time, but these calls are important to us.

When were together, its pretty much the same, he will come back on his break, we will spend time together chatting and being physical, and he will wake me up when he gets back from work.

Soon myself and the children will be moving countries, he works long hours so we dont get much time together, but he gets 2 days off a week, and on these days we all spend time together, going out, talking, making the most of it. He might have an hour or two to himself, to go on the computer, play a game ect.

Im so sorry your going through a rough time, but i have to say id get annoyed if my DP spent alot of time in the same room as me but not "with" me, if that makes sense. However, our relationship isnt the same as others, i still think its important to make the most of the time you have together. If you feel you have to force it though, or felt it was an effort, perhaps it wasnt meant to be?

My partner left his ex for the same reason near enough, or so he's told me. She used to come in from work and fall asleep on the sofa at 7 so he'd have no company in the evenings and then eventually go up to bed alone. It was lonely for him.

I can't understand it myself. I know I need a little time to myself sometimes, but mostly I can't think of anything better than spending time with my most favourite, interesting and engaging person in the world every evening. He's like a multimedia entertainment centre . Mind you, we don't live together, so he could be a secret silent one-man scrabble player for all I know.

My DH says his first marriage ended for similar reason to HereBe's DH's. He says his wife was physically present but they weren't together.

DH and I probably spend an hour together weekdays (eating together at the table each night makes up a big chunk of this) and almost always go to bed at the same time. We spend the same or more time together at weekends depending on whether we have his kids from his first marriage.

I think it's a very valid reason to end a marriage but if OP's ex mentioned it just three months before leaving, that makes me think there's more to it. My DH raised it with his ex for years and left because it struck him that she was ok with him being unhappy and just wanted him to complain less. You don't get to that point in a few months.

Loads of time together in the same house, but full on TV off, no ipad, quality time? Not much!

We both work, the dc are very different ages, ( one is 9, the other. Nearly 2) so once we've settled the toddler we have a bit of family time with the older one and then it's wash up, sort lunch bags, laundry and maybe a sit down for half an hour before bed.

DH might watch cricket I will MN, or whatever.

Weekends are spent fixing up the house, food shopping, a family activity, cooking and cleaning.

But we both accept that that's what it's like having a busy family, working and doing up the house.

What were the other reasons OP? How are you?

DH works away from Mon-Fri. He spends Saturday taking DS1 to activities and then evening submitting bills and tying loose ends at work on the laptop. I spend the Sunday putting the house in order while he is at a pub or having beer at the neighbours. Our marriage is a car crash waiting to happen. I have so much pent up resentment

I used to feel like this when my son was little, very lonely, a bit left behind, bored in my own company.... Then when he was 12 I had twins...Now i can drive and they are 8 and more independent, I love me time, have a stack o hobbies, I don't moan at my husband now, I learnt to be busy too, we still sit and watch tv and talk and laugh and go on the laptop etc... I think if my DH said that to me he would more likely be referring to in the bedroom IYSWIM... Good luck, I hope you are okay, big hugs to you x

I think this is a total personal preference thing and it's possible of course to have a mismatch.

DH and I often spend evenings in the house together but doing separate things. I'd feel really suffocated if he wanted to spend all of our time doing stuff actually together, I'd feel like I could never go off and do my own thing.

I do miss it if we go too long without "connecting" as I tend to think of it, connection can be a small thing where we pass in the kitchen and stop to swap stories about our day or just a kiss or a suggestion "Why don't you buy some treats for us to eat tonight while we watch the new Dr Who" or we'll actually plan to sit and watch something or eat together or whatever, or spontaneously have a long conversation about something usually when I'm trying to sleep

But generally I'd say 80% of our time together we're not actively doing stuff together. But we're both happy with that, and that's the thing.

OTOH for family days/doing things with DS at the weekend I much prefer us all going together rather than doing stuff on my own with him.