Dealing with guilt

[lacktoastandtolerance]

Newly single (days, not weeks) after I ended a 13 year relationship. Ended for positive reasons, for me at least. To let myself become happier and rediscover be the energetic, exciting, enthusiastic, um, alliterative person I used to be.

Although I'm feeling strong about the situation right now I also obviously feel very sad. It's a big decision, the biggest I've ever made.

I am starting to get the presumably inevitable pangs of guilt - that I've made someone else's life horrible and miserable through my decision. That I've caused anger and upset and tears and heartache.

The split wasn't the result of an affair, or abuse, or anything like that. It was just two people dragging each other into a spiral of misery and I needed to get out.

Is the guilt just inevitable? Like grieving, you know it will get better with time?

Do you just have to plough through it and be strong enough not to let it make you do something stupid like run back because it's easier in the short run? Or is there something I can do to deal with it?

Also, how long does it take before you stop rubbing your finger where the wedding ring used to be?

Yes, you can repeat in your head that you've escaped from a situation which was "a spiral of misery" and you're most fortunate to have had the courage of your convictions.

I suspect what you're describing as guilt is really sadness at the relationship not having succeeded. It takes a whole lot of courage to acknowledge a failing relationship and a whole lot more to do something about it.

Brave and strong is what you are.

Thank you - you don't seem bitter at all

I think deep down I get that it is really sadness.

I also know that I don't feel guilty in the sense of "I've done something wrong and feel bad about it", just that it's an awful feeling to hurt another human being, especially one you love / have loved for a long time.

It's difficult to rationalise it I suppose. But I will over time.

Feeling sad - of course you are. It's been a big part of your life, and your dreams, and yes that just takes time to adjust and understand and allow yourself to grieve.

Feeling sad for your ex-partner - yes, another part of the process. For a long time you have worked to support each other and support each other's happiness (or maybe not, and perhaps this is why things have ended), so of course you feel sad if they are feeling sad.

But guilt? No. The guilt you describe arises from a feeling that it is your responsibility to make your ex happy, to avoid pain for him, to somehow sacrifice your peace and contentment (or your energy, excitement, enthusiasm and elliteration) to ensure that he is not upset.

That kind of guilt is not helpful.

Guilt is useful if it helps you to learn, to change what you would do the next time - would you spot the trend earlier? would you have been more honest and forced him to be more honest about the misery? would you have found better ways of communicating? would you have been kinder in the way that you broke up? That would be a good way to use guilt. You are NOT a bad person simply because you have recognised and articulated your own need for happiness. And there should be no guilt attached to wanting to (and deserving to) be happy.

So sit with your sadness (or go and dance to distract yourself), but accept it - it has been a sad event, but don't add guilt to the mix. It is not warranted, and it won't make you feel better.

And never, ever go back because of misplaced feelings of guilt.

If you've cared for someone for any length of time then you don't want to see them unhappy... that's normal. However, it doesn't mean it wasn't the right thing to do. The best way to avoid caving IME is to stay well out of the other person's way for as long as humanly possible. The less contact you have, the less the guilt will be.

Good luck

X posted with above, but same sentiment.

Yes, that makes sense, both of you, thanks. I suppose I have some guilt about the fact that I tried to pretend everything was OK for a long time, so almost feel like I was being misleading about the relationship. So what you say about acting earlier applies - but it's only in hindsight I can see that. Can't see the wood for the trees etc.

Thanks. I know I'm going to come out of this a better person and I don't feel guilty about that at all.

Thanks. I know I'm going to come out of this a better person and I don't feel guilty about that at all.

Good.

Hindsight is about looking back and learning - we can never see the big picture when we are in the midst of it. And that is nothing to feel guilty about.

We pretend things are OK because we want them to be OK, and there is no shame in that. When eventually you realise that it's NOT going to be OK, then you should do something about it - which you have done.

Sad - yes
Guilt - no