Intimacy with new man - no idea what to do

[Chocolate99]

Hello all, I have previously posted and got some amazing advice re leaving my husband and poo relationship. I applied for divorce back in July, decree nisi progressing nicely.
As I had been miserable for a considerable length of time in marriage, friends urged me to trip online dating. have been on 2 dates with 2 nice men but no spark. l have now met a 3rd man who is lovely - flowers on first date etc, texts all the time, very considerate etc.

He is very open about the fact that he is affectionate which doesn't bother me perse, only problem is my husband and I only had sex once in 6 years, last time being 4 years ago, no kissing, cuddling etc at all. This was his choice not mine and something that made me v unhappy, self esteem etc. On recent 2nd date new man kissed me on the lips about 5 separate times, hugged me, hand round waist etc and each time I just froze because 1. I didn't know what to do, 2. not used to this at all and possibly 3, weird because he's not my husband (don't want to get back with him, just habit of him if you know what I mean?!)

Really don't want him to think I am not interested in him but how do I broach the subject of how I don't really know what to do, so out of practice it is untrue! or do I not mention it at all?

Help ladies

Being kissed by him won't feel strange when you're ready for it and you want it to happen. I think you need to explain and ask him if you can take it a little slower.

Oh Cog you are so funny and yet so accurate, yes I do want to make sure it all works esp since not using It since giving birth. Smear test is about as intimate as it gets these last 6 years . As you can imagine I am very much up for doing the deed at some point but think I just need to work my way up to it. I might text him tonight as will be v embarrassed having that conversation sat in a pub with potentially other people listening! getting back in the saddle is a very apt analogy! Thanks so much you wise and wonderful ladies x

Text messages are tricky because the tone is so very easy to misunderstad or misinterpret and if it's going to be a difficult conversation to be had face-to-face, a bit cowardly.

I really think this is the sort of discussion that needs to be had in person if you care about the outcome. But if you don't give a shit, text away.

Good point Bitter, i hadnt thought of the tone etc. i just thought i might be able to get what i mean actoss better than blustering my way through it in person if you see what i mean?

I dumped my STBXH last year, and hadn't had sex / been intimate for over 5 years. I also had the "not since pushing a baby out it" thing going on too!
Big hugs to you!

My, um, re-entry to the world of sex was interesting. Different situation as I'd met someone at a party and had some v full on texts. We met for breakfast date, and I had a hotel room waiting.

I was shaking like a leaf! Visibly so. Enough for him to laugh (nicely)
From being a forward type (cf the hotel room!) I froze. He was great. Said "you need to me lead this, don't you?" (I'd told him it had been years)

So... It didn't really work. I was really tense. Impenetrably so!!! :) like a teenager first time, who REALLY wants it, but is SO nervous.

We gave up as it was check out time. It wasn't as mortifying as that sounds. Then, after we were dressed and kissed, and had the urge. And it all went OK! Apart from the phone call from reception to kick us out!

I know it's a different situation for you as you want to go more slowly. But I thought I'd share, so you don't feel alone!

Things I'd say are; you're not alone, with a decent man, you can share your fear, it's not the end of the world if first time back is a bit rubbish, and you should EXPECT him not to mind.

Good luck!

I had this very same issue not even a couple of weeks ago: surprised myself by meeting a lovely man online, he was/is very demonstrative and very into me. I was/am very into him too, felt the chemistry between us but was not ready to kiss him. Background-wise, I kicked out crap husband of 14 years summer of 2013.

Was perplexed about bot wanting to kiss him, I thought it was to do with being 'out of practise'. But there was stuff I needed to know about him and his past before I could open up emotionally to him. I surprised myself by asking him outright the stuff I needed to know. I made a few demands and he honoured them with good grace and without question.

Lo and behold.... I no longer have qualms about kissing him - in fact quite the opposite - I am so enjoying the passionate snogging phase!

Once you are ready to progress things you should be fine, just watch your boundaries, police them as though your life depends on them, because it does! I have yet to get fully 'back in the saddle' and my new fella knows this. I have no qualms about opening up to him about this. In fact I am looking forward to sharing thoughts and feelings and expectations on the subject. Taking it slow, and staying an equal partner in the relationship, it's very sexy! If this fella is worth shagging he will go at your pace. Good luck

Wow Cabrinha thats ace - high five! Im exacyptly the same, prior to relationship with hsuband i was probably a bit too forward so this new situ is very strange. Really want some sexy times and good to hear your story of how it can get there eventually :). I really am not that bothered about going slowly and i think if i instigated it it would be okay but he seems to get in there first which catches me off guard hence not sure what to do LOL.

I can see where you are coming from too Handywoman, there is a lot i dont know, what went on with ex wife and why etc maybe i will get some answers when we next meet up, he chats very openly about his life and children so i cant see it being an issue. Good for you esp after 14 years with same man, must be strange at first, i know it is for me after 10 years!

thanks very much for letting me know your experiences girls, really insightful and much appreciated! Xx

Well ladies i met him last night for brief meal before meeting friends, again really nice company, very considerate - i walked him balk to his car and as he went to kiss me i told him i had something to discuss, explained the situ.

He was fine about it and said it explained a few things :) he said the affection thing was similar with his ex wife, he never got the affection he wanted towards the end etc. he said he was fine without it, he finds me very attractive so he will try to take a step back. But he then proceeded to take my hand and kissed me on the lips! Not sure if he means what he says.

This was 3rd date, he wants to meet for lunch tomorrow and also again on sunday and wants to take me to the theatre next week. It all seems a bit full on for my liking, i tend to like my own space in a relationship, seeing him twice per week would be fine with me plus i want to spend my time withmy DS. He has several children himself.

I am kinda wondering if the reason i havent kised him yet is because he is too keen, having said that if i were to try and get back inthe saddle with anyone could do a lot worse than a kind considerate man who i find attractive, who compliments me and is affectionate!!

Am i my own worst enemy/ too critical?

I think he isn't listening to you. I think he is too full on. I think are red flags (too much, too soon; he heard what you said and then did exactly what you had voiced qualms over; above all, you feel something isn't right).
I would tell him it is over tbh. It simply has to be right for you.

Get yourself a rabbit if you don't already have one.

I would also examine the blow to your sexual self esteem that occurred when your H 'wasn't into you' sexually, and whether you think you have to:
prove yourself to future partners by being up for sex,
be 'good enough' or 'attractive enough' or 'willing enough',
go where they lead so you won't be shunned,
do things you are not comfortable doing, or at a pace you are not happy with, and
hang on with bad relationships just because they offer the chance of sex.

There is much more to recovering from a relationship where the sexual side of your nature has been rejected than merely getting the mechanics up and running again.

It really doesn't sound great.

You must really go at a pace you are comfortable with and if he won't respect that he's not worthy of you.
Don't be afraid of saying what you want and what you don't.
If you are worried then either he's not right for you or you're not ready for it, but, regardless it will be better to let it go.
Too many women end up in crap relationships for dismissing their own concerns.

Yes Math, i agree it is a bit too much too soon. he has previously been married for 20 years to childhood sweetheart and i suspect he may be trying to replicate same full on relationship with me. It was his choice to leave the marriage earlier this year and this is his first date since then.

if i am being honest i am not up for a relationship yet, barely divorced but was looking for a bit of romance after having none for so long. I think you are right Lweji and you have given me great advice before to help me proceed with split. I think i will call off seeing him in the future as he is a bit needy, texting me approx 15 times per day at this stage so i do wonder what he would be like if we got properly involved...

If it felt right, 15 texts a day would be cool, not needy. Despite all the nice things you say about him (and I'm also unimpressed that he didn't listen to you about backing off) just from words on a screen, it doesn't sound like you're finding him right for you.

It's kind of unlikely that the first person you date (both of you) is going to be right!

I know my first guy after (he that took my second virginity!), I just really wanted him to be The One. Imagine skipping all the dating angst! Getting love again quickly - wonderful! But he wasn't. I really really wanted it to be though. I think first man after split comes with a real risk of trying too hard to make it seem right.

A lot of that rings true Cabrinha, think i will suspend my OD account and concentrate on me as havent the energy nor the time for anyone elses needs right now! Thank you very much for sharing your experience of this x

He was fine about it and said it explained a few things he said the affection thing was similar with his ex wife, he never got the affection he wanted towards the end etc. he said he was fine without it, he finds me very attractive so he will try to take a step back. But he then proceeded to take my hand and kissed me on the lips! Not sure if he means what he says.

oh my goodness, you've hit the nail on the head with this para esp this sentence: "he never got the affection he wanted towards the end".

sorry but it sounds like this is all about him and his needs. I agree with PP who said he isn't listening to you. He sounds WAY too full on and I would find it off-putting him booking all these lunch dates, theatre and meeting up again at the weekend. It is way too much, too soon. Particularly after you said you'd like to take it slower which is not an easy thing to say to anyone even if you are really keen.

I feel rather sorry for the poor bloke. All that pent-up love & affection with nowhere to go.... Doesn't mean you're the one to have it lavished on you if it's not what you want, of course, but I do know how he feels

He was fine about it...

You sound there as if you were relieved your apology was accepted.

...and said it explained a few things...

Thinking about that a bit, he seems to be implying that there was something slightly 'wrong' about you as far as he was concerned.

I think this man in a very short time managed to get you off balance and feeling you owed him something or were failing to meet some standard.

I don't read it as sinister. 'Explained a few things' makes perfect sense if the OP (as they said in their first post) was freezing up when he went in for a hug or a kiss. Anyone's going to notice that reaction and wonder what's wrong.

On recent 2nd date new man kissed me on the lips about 5 separate times, hugged me, hand round waist etc and each time I just froze

I think there is something wrong with a man who tried five times to kiss her, on a second date, hugged her with hand around waist, despite the fact that she froze the first time, and certainly despite the fact that she froze the second time. What sort of man persists a fifth time in the face of his date freezing on the four previous attempts? Surely if he noticed that reaction he should have asked himself what he was doing wrong?

To then suggest that there was something in the OP's past, some issue that she had that 'explained a few things' makes me think this man has at the very least the hide of a rhino, and at worst is all about himself, all the time.