Hi everyone
I am 40 and my boyfriend is 44. I live in my own place with my 9 year old son, and pretty much it has been me and him since he was about 2 years old. I dated (unbeknown to my son) and then started a relationship with my current boyfriend in December 2012. My bf has lots of positive qualities in that he is very affectionate, always massaging my feet, stroking my hair, telling me that he loves me etc. I am not the most affectionate person in the world (particularly when I have pmt for a week) and it has caused some arguments. When I am not in the mood to be affectionate I am also not in the mood for sex, which again has caused some rows. There have been other stresses from day one which have added to some of our difficulties, namely my bf trying to organise contact with his children through Court. His ex gf has been very difficult (just to point out I met him a year after they split up)
Anyway, we have had 20 months of bickering, some of which has been witnessed by my little boy. When he is around I tell my bf to calm down (which he hates) or I tell him not to swear (it's fucking this and that when he is annoyed) and he continues to do so, saying that my son will hear worse in the playground. I have called the Police twice to our property, both times my son was there. The first time was due to my bf being extremely drunk and more agitating than anything, but his demeanour was upsetting to my son so I had the Police remove him. The second time, we argued and he pushed me onto the floor - though denied it immediately given that he was drunk (he simply couldn't recall it). He then would not let me get out of the property for fear I would call the Police. My son witnessed him standing in the way of the front door and he panicked. I got us out and called the Police. I believed that was it however the next morning when I talked it through with my son he said he felt sorry for him and that we should give him another chance. So we did.
I'm now getting to the crux of one of the issues. Our bickering continued (as you probably expected) mostly about his ex, the kids, my lack of affection and not enough sex. I explained that I didn't have 2 hours a night for sex (he likes to make a meal of it) as I have a full time job which is stressful. Anyway, to cut a long story short, he used my computer to go on Facebook. When he was out watching the match I went on my computer to fin his facebook account still logged in. So I did what any nosy gf would do and looked at it. I saw in the notifications that there were photos synced from his phone. This basically means that he took photos on his iphone which were saved to facebook but not shown publicly. I looked to see what they were and found a screenshot of his email address and hidden membership number for a dating site called "Genuine Affairs", a dating website for married people. I went sick. I then accessed his googlemail account and looked at his emails (I knew his password as he had given it to me previously and I think he forgot that I would have remembered it). Anyway, saved under his personal emails was confirmation of his membership to fuckbook.net and password and user name. I accessed fuckbook using both and found a half hearted profile set up which simply ha his D.O.B, height (2 inches out) and a strap line saying "I love sex". He swore blind that it was his ex that created the profiles and that he has had similar things through before.
We met on a dating site so there is every chance he gets junk mail from them, as I still do, however I have never received something thanking me for joining and my membership number. Anyway, his argument (and tears) was so persuasive I bought it. However, 2 months later it has come back to me as I believe he may be a better liar than I gave him credit for. That brings me onto the second part of my dilemma.
We booked a family holiday to go to Haven just a couple of weeks ago. We bickered leading up to it, so much so that I considered travelling up separately. Anyway, my bf reassured me that he wouldn't argue and that he wouldn't spoil the holiday for my 9 year old son. Anyway, the first night we got there, we went to the club. He got drunk by 10.30pm and I decided to take my son home to the caravan as he said he was bored anyway. My bf followed and started giving me grief for leaving early, for doing everything my son tells me to, and for being a "fucking tight cunt" for not buying him a drink (when he was doing perfectly well getting drunk without my help). In hi anger, as he was calling e all the cunts under the son, he shoved my son. It was an accident and done as he was trying to get to me but nevertheless, I was fuming. I went to bed with my son and the next day me and my son packed and left. We hung around the caravan park for the day (as I wanted to give my son at least one day there) and my bf sent me loads of texts and calls begging for my forgiveness, saying he wouldn't drink again. In the end, he was so distraught he threatened to commit suicide and therefore I called the Police, who removed him from the caravan and took him to the nearest train station where he got a train home. Me and my son remained on holiday for the remainder of the week and my intention was that it was over with my b.
However, I met up with him when I got back and we talked things through. I said I would see him away from my son (once a week when he goes to his dad's) to see if we can have an argument free relationship. He seems calmer and has not drank for over a week. However, my son does not want me to be back with him. Even though he said he is not scared of him, he has no faith that we won't argue in the future. I am so confused at the moment as my bf has lots of good qualities, and sticks with me when I am going through the worst pmt moods possible, and I believe him when he says he won't drink to keep us. But then, the doubts re the dating sites resurface and I wonder how we will have an argument free relationship when all that doesn't add up, and my son feels the way he does. I'm waffling now but would really appreciate your comments on any aspect of what I have said.
x