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Original poster

How do I confront him?

12 replies

nugget05 · 01/09/2014 21:46

Me and exp broke up in January due to him cheating when I was 5 months pregnant. Ds is 3 months old now and we are civil and somedays almost friendly to each other for his sake. If I confront him about what happened Friday though that will end.
I went to my friends house, a 5 minute walk away and left ds with his dad at my flat (his house is unsuitable and too far away). Had a couple drinks while catching up, first in over a year, didn't realise how much if drank until I left. I came home and asked exp if he would stay for a couple more hours so I could sleep, have coffee etc so is be completely sober when left with ds. He agreed so I went to bed while they played in the other room. I was drifting in and out of consciousness and I became vaguely aware that he was touching me and eventually having sex with me, at the time I thought I was dreaming so I didn't say no or push him away, I think I even kissed him back but I was so out of it I can't be sure. Anyway he woke me up with coffee saying he had to leave and bought ds into me, I was fully dressed so I believed it was a dream but after he left and I sobered up completely I noticed I felt sore down there and when I went to the toilet it was obvious we'd had sex (sorry if tmi). I'm horrified it happened but I'm so angry that he didn't use anything . I have an appointment at the drs to test for anything. I just don't know how to deal with this and confront him, he did it while I was barely conscious, redressed me and then acted like nothing happened! I don't know what to do, I haven't said anything to him about it my heads all over the place, I'm so shocked and embarrassed that it happened What do I say to him? How do I approach the subject without ruining the civility we have for our son. I'm so angry that I let this happen, if I'd had less to drink it never would've happened but stupidly I trusted that he'd be a decent father and just look after his son

OP posts:

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 01/09/2014 21:52

Please do not blame yourself. You did not let this happen, you are not responsible.

Please call the police and report this. He had sex with you whilst you were mostly unconscious and could not consent. This is rape.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Are you ok?

kaykayblue · 01/09/2014 21:56

I'm sorry OP, but this is legally rape. If you can bear it, you need to go to the police station and press charges. The sooner you go the more evidence they might be able to get, and it's taken as a sign of credibility to report it early.

I am so, so sorry that this has happened to you.

This is absolutely not your fault. This wasn't a stranger you let into your home. You could not know that he was a rapist. HE made the decision to rape you. Please please don't blame yourself, or wonder what you "should" have done.

Original poster

nugget05 · 01/09/2014 22:02

But is it rape if I kissed him back and did nothing to stop it? We've spoke since it happened about ds and he still hasn't said anything about what happened. If it wasn't for the soreness and I'd think I was crazy and imagined the whole thing. I haven't seen him since it happened but he wants to see ds tomorrow, I'm in 2 minds as to whether I should let him and what I'm meant to say/do when I do finally see him.
I'm ok I just feel a bit all over the place and embarrassed that I've now got to go to the drs and ask to get tested

OP posts:

LittleMissRayofHope · 01/09/2014 22:10

I would stop worrying instantly about breaking civility for the sake of your son.
Your ex, your sons father, is a rapist.
He raped you. He is total total scum.
Never mind confronting him, I wouldn't be able to see him again.

Please find the strength to call the police and report him for this complete violation.

You are a victim here. You did nothing wrong.
and hugs

LittleMissRayofHope · 01/09/2014 22:14

It is rape because you were beyond the point of making a conscious decision. He simply helped himself to your body when he knew you would be unable to defend yourself and worse, he hasn't mentioned it at all. He knows what he has done.

If you can't call the police yet, talk to your GP. Explain why you want to get tested. Ask for help and support.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 01/09/2014 22:21

You don't have to think about confronting him yet, if that's too much to think about right now.

Start with the gp and the sti and pregnancy test. I'd also call women's aid or rape crisis to help you get some rl support.

Long term this 'civility' for the sake of your son can't last. You can't be civil with a rapist and that's what your xp is. But today, this minute, all you have to think about is protecting your help and getting some support, both here and in rl.

I am so, so sorry this happened to you. You will find a way through it which protects both you and your son, but you don't have to find all the answers today.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 01/09/2014 22:28

If you acknowledge to him that you understand now what he did to you it's going to make any civil future contact with him almost impossible.

If you don't acknowledge it you are letting a rapist get away with the most vile exploitation of you.

This happened on Friday so there will be no physical evidence of what took place. It will just be your word against his, and I guarantee that he'll argue till he's blue in the face that you made overtures to him and he reluctantly obliged.

There really isn't any way of dealing with this which is going to be pain-free for you.

I'd be minded to sacrifice being on speaking terms with him and accept that he's not going to have a place in your life. If he wants one in his child's then he'll need to go to court to get it.

Tiptops · 01/09/2014 22:34

You did NOT let anything happen. Please don't think that, he has raped you while your ability to consent was removed and that is in no way your fault. He took advantage of your vulnerability. You don't owe him any pleasantries or being civil.

Original poster

nugget05 · 01/09/2014 22:37

I feel so stupid I didn't even consider pregnancy. I don't have rl support because I let exp be on ds' birth certificate and allow him to see him as much as he wants, my family didn't agree because the way he treated me when I was pregnant and now I have nobody. It feels like he planned it so that I'm alone even though there's no way he could've, all through our relationship he voiced his dislike of my family and friends and talked about us moving away from them. I have agoraphobia so making friends or seeing the ones I have is hard so I'm not close enough to them to tell them about something like this. Thank you all for being so kind I know you've said it isn't my fault but I do feel like I am to blame and was expecting people to say as much

OP posts:

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 01/09/2014 22:46

You are absolutely 100% not to blame. At all. He is. It might be stretching it a bit far to say he tried to distance you from your RL support two years ago (or whenever) so that he could rape you yesterday kind of thing. But I don't believe it is a stretch to say he distanced you from your RL support so he could control and hurt you.

Because he is not a good person. He is a rapist. And rape isn't about sex, it is about power and control. I'd put money on it that you getting away from him before shocked him to the core and he couldn't wait to try to re-establish control.

One way of doing that would be to get you pregnant again btw, so please do get the MAP if you're in time for that.

You don't have to have him in your life, or your sons life. But as I said up thread, that's maybe too much to think about right now.

kaykayblue · 02/09/2014 08:18

Hi OP - no. Having sex with someone who is a) unconscious or b) too drunk to consent is rape.

People often think it's not "rape" unless someone has a knife against your throat and the woman fights nearly to the death to prevent it. But that's not the truth.

The fact is that he did not even look for your consent. He knew you were vulnerable, and he took advantage of you.

Please do speak to the women's aid, or the police or whatnot. You might decide not to pursue it, but please don't let him get away with this.

He is not talking about it because he think he can just do what he wants and you won't complain. Have you cut all contact with him?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/09/2014 08:40

"my family didn't agree because the way he treated me when I was pregnant and now I have nobody."

Whatever else you do please contact your family. He is definitely a rapist and 'the way he treated me' sounds as though there has been an abusive streak running through the whole time you've known him. Abusive men often isolate their victim from those who can protect them. Physically by suggesting you move location. Emotionally by alienating friends and family with bad behaviour.

You urgently need RL support and please report this hideous person to the police. All ideas of 'civility' went out of the window when he attacked you and I think you were being wildly optimistic even before that point. He should never step foot in your home again.

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