Caught my husband looking at porn - need advice please

[cantankerouscapricorn]

Okay, so as the title says, I caught my husband looking at porn and I need some advice. My head is all over the place and I cannot think straight.

My husband and I have been married 7 years and we have two children together. We have had a fantastic relationship and have always been able to talk to one another openly about any issues that arise. We have been through a hell of a lot together and have come through it.

However, things started to go downhill when I got pregnant the first time. My husband stopped talking to me. Any time I tried to tell him how I was feeling, ask him what was wrong etc, he would turn it into a fight. Any time he was at home, he would be using his phone in the corner. Whenever I asked if he could spend some time with me, he would tell me that he needed "social time". If I asked who he was talking to, he said I was being paranoid and that I didn't trust him. I would say that I wanted sex and he would point blank refuse to have sex. Sometimes I felt like he would start fights before bed just to ward off any sex. In then end we only had sex once in 12 months. We argued quite a lot and he hit me a few times. I discovered that on our wedding anniversary, when I was 8 and a half months pregnant, he had been messaging another woman trying to arrange to meet up for coffee. He swears nothing else happened.

When our DD was born, things briefly got worse, the violence escalated and I thought about leaving him. Then we gradually started talking again. He told me that he had felt depressed and needed to adjust to the idea of being a new parent. He told me that he understood how he had been a jerk and said that things were going to change.

I was very skeptical but they did change. We started communicating again, he had a renewed interest in our sex life and all the violence stopped. We went back to being how we used to be and I thought we were both very happy. Then we started trying for another baby.

Almost as soon as I got pregnant again, his behaviour started to change. He stopped wanting sex and would fall asleep whenever I tried to have a conversation with him. That sounds like an exaggeration, but I mean he would literally fall asleep 10-20 times during the one conversation and then jerk himself awake. He said to me that he had no sex drive. He said that he wanted to have sex but he was too tired to actually manage it. Whenever we tried stuff, he would just fall asleep before we got round to the main event. I was very frustrated as my sex drive increased when I was pregnant. I felt like a failure as a wife. Also, I missed having conversation with him but couldn't talk to him because whenever I tried he would literally fall asleep on me. I was hugely concerned about his health because he was falling asleep constantly and his lack of sex drive. He was constantly talking about going to the doctors and getting blood tests and I was very worried about him.

I also had moments where I felt very insecure. My body was changing (2 babies in less than 2 years will do that to you) and my husband was not making me feel attractive at all. We went 6 months without having sex. I felt that he was repulsed by the idea of having sex with me but he reassured me it was his sleep problem and not me. At night time, he would stay up to do the dishes, which at the time I thought was a very thoughtful gesture and something to help out.

However, at five months pregnant I discovered that he had exchanged numbers with another woman. It turned out she was a pole dancer and that he had introduced our child to her while I was at home working. This shook my confidence tremendously and I had a hard time trusting him again. I felt so hurt that he couldn't have the energy to have a conversation with me but he was exchanging numbers with another woman. He assured me nothing was going on but I found it difficult to believe.

I also began to have a nagging suspicion that he was looking at porn at night. Generally, I am not a huge fan of the porn industry however I understand that a lot of people watch it and have healthy sex lives. I had even suggested that we watch porn together, but I did tell my husband that I would be very hurt if he was watching porn when I was pregnant or after the baby was born because I was feeling very insecure about how I looked and I was feeling a bit unloved because he wasn't sleeping with me.

He promised me he hadn't been watching porn and told me I had trust issues. He told me I was insecure and that it was all in my head because of my hormones and poor body confidence. He shouted at me a lot about how he feels I don't want him to have friends or go out and how I don't trust him. I think that is very unfair. He works in a largely female environment in the care industry and I have no problem with that. I trust him 100% there. For me the issue wasn't trust, it was that I was feeling completely unloved. I think that I was feeling more troubled by the fact that he was making excuses not to sleep with me and that he stopped being affectionate. I did question whether I could really trust him after he lied to me about the pole dancer. However, I chose to believe him that nothing had gone on and move on with our lives.

When our baby was born, I had a very traumatic experience and ended up being taken into theatre after delivering and I could have died. When I was coming round, I thought about my husband, and when I came round, I said that I had a new perspective, that I was so sad about where we were in our marriage because we weren't talking to one another or sleeping together anymore. He agreed with me and told me a lot of stuff about how much he loved me and he wanted to change it etc.

Our baby is 12 weeks old now and I have been trying so hard to be a better wife. We have been having sex frequently over the last few weeks (several times a week) and we have been working to put the intimacy back into our relationship. I resolved to put the whole pole dancer thing in the past and focus on the here and now. We have had a lot of conversations about being honest with one another and communicating better.

Everything seemed to be getting better, and was only complicated by the fact that I have postnatal depression and feel extremely low a lot of the time. I feel very insecure about my post pregnancy body as well, but generally things were improving between us and I felt that we were being honest with one another and communicating better.

Anyway, last night I was wanting to be intimate with my husband so I got out of bed to find him. I found him looking at porn and touching himself in the kitchen. I was absolutely horrified. He initially denied it all (even although I caught him) before admitting that he had been looking at it all the way through my pregnancy and since I had given birth.

All day I have felt sick to my stomach.

My problem is not the porn itself but the fact that he lied to me:

1. He made out that he had a lack of sex drive and withheld all sex for MONTHS;

2. He convinced me his lack of sex drive was because he was ill to the point of needing blood tests;

3. He looked me in the eye and told me he wasn't looking at porn and wouldn't do that when I was feeling so insecure; and

4. He told me it was all in my head and made me feel paranoid.

It's also the fact that this is not something he is doing WITH me or AS WELL AS being intimate with me, he is doing it INSTEAD of being intimate with me.

Also, one time I had googled how to improve my sex life in my marriage and he accused me of looking at "sl*tty" things and having an affair. I was only looking at advice columns. Why is that such a huge problem if he is fine to be looking at porn?

Anyway, am I over reacting? Is this a combination of my hormones and the post natal depression? Or would you be hurt in the same situation? What would you do to try and make it better?

Sorry this is such a long post.

And I am sure living with this man who has battered your self esteem is the cause of your depression

I hear what everyone is saying, I really do. And I asked for the advice, so I am listening to what you are all saying. I was genuinely surprised by the strength of the reaction. I thought you would all say that the porn is not a big deal and I need to get over myself. I wasn't expecting the information I gave as context to become the focus. But I appreciate why it has and it has given me a lot more to think about than just the porn issue, which was what I was focussing on.

We talked about violence A LOT. He knows it isn't acceptable to hit me and he made a big effort to control his temper and walk away from any situation that was making him angry. He hasn't been violent in over 18 months. I am not scared of my husband, I am not scared for my safety and I am not scared for my children. We have worked really hard to try and make things better and get through the issues we were having back then. I do understand what you are all saying though.

There have been a few people asking about what was great about him. I will say that he is a fantastic dad. And I know that it's not good to have this lack of respect played out before our children, but really, in every other way he is a great Dad. He takes our children out, he talks to them constantly and genuinely shows them love every day. In many respects, I think you would be hard pushed to find a better Dad. When we first got together, he was (ironically) very honest. We had the same outlook on life, the same sense of humour etc. And I really felt like I could trust him, which was the most important thing to me.

DeputyPecksBentBeak said that I sounded downtrodden and I agree, that is how I feel. I feel utterly miserable right now. But a lot of that is to do with me and not my husband. I have PND, which makes me feel very low. I also have little/no support network and I sometimes feel lonely.

And I did have a lot to improve on personally - I am mean and say horrible things when I am angry, I get frustrated easily and I get jealous. I take things to heart and find it difficult to let things go. I also find it difficult to listen to criticism. These are the things I have been working on and that was what I meant when I said I was trying to make myself better. Unfortunately it has taken two people to get us into this situation.

The main thing that I have taken from what everyone has said though, is that I was not just upset about the porn. I was upset about the general disrespect and the fact that it seems constant. And from your reactions, I think that I am justifiably upset. I will think very hard about what I am going to do next. I do know that I want and need a change, that I am sick of feeling like this and that it can't continue. So thank you all for your comments.

This is NOT a "great dad"

1. he has hit you

2. he is cheating on you

3. he is treating you like shit when you have PND

4. he is making/letting you take the blame for the problems in your relationship

In whose book is that a "great dad" ?

Sorry OP I know it must be hard to come on and have people seeing wider problems than maybe you are ready to address.

Porn isn't really the problem here. If your husband was an occasional porn user and everything else was great my advice would be consider accepting this and not taking it personally. That is despite personal reservations about the porn industry.

However your husband does not respect you, does not communicate with you, has been violent, is sexually and emotionally controlling, is a liar, is an aspiring or actual cheat and is a massive hypocrite.

You may not feel ready to consider leaving him yet. However please don't invest yourself in trying to prop up this relationship. The problem is him, not something you can fix by being sexier, more attentive, more understanding etc.

Is the relationship you have the model you want your children to copy?

Seems to me, him looking at porn is the very list of your worries.

On a shit list of things not to like about your H it's way down the list.

You should have had his arse out of the door when he started knocking you about the first time. Why would you stay with such an abusive arsehole and a violent one at that?

OP, have a think about it like this.

Is this man displaying behaviour you would like your son to emulate in his marriage ? Would you tell your daughter a man like this is worth staying with because he takes the kids to the park ?

If no, then why is it ok for you ?

he can be a "good dad" whilst no longer being your romantic partner.

You say horrible things when angry, get frustrated and can be jealous...

He cheats on you, lies, hits you, tells you that you are mentally ill when you object shows you no respect and would rather use porn than show you affection....

I don't think there's any comparison between the two. I'm sorry you have PND but I think he's adding a lot to the 'D' with his appalling behaviour. Anyone would be miserable experiencing the things you describe

He takes our children out, he talks to them constantly and genuinely shows them love every day.
This is not "great" parenting, it's the basic acceptable standard, the minimum bar.

Oh dear here we go, defending him. Can I very simply let you know that any child who witnesses domestic violence is having an abusive childhood and for as long as you stay with him you are complicit in that. He's not hit you for 18 months, but he will, that much you can be sure of.

By the way this..... And I did have a lot to improve on personally - I am mean and say horrible things when I am angry, I get frustrated easily and I get jealous. I take things to heart and find it difficult to let things go. I also find it difficult to listen to criticism. These are the things I have been working on and that was what I meant when I said I was trying to make myself better is all nonsense. If I were living with a violent man I would be all that with bells on. What I'm sure is those are his words, his justification for hitting you. "Well if you weren't so easily frustrated I wouldn't hit you"... Is that the sort of thing he says?

In many respects, I think you would be hard pushed to find a better Dad.

Everything you've said makes me want to cry but this makes me feel angry. Most men out there would father your children better than this misogynistic, wife-beating, lying shit.

I feel utterly miserable right now. But a lot of that is to do with me and not my husband. I have PND, which makes me feel very low.

Why, why, why do you keep blaming yourself? If I had to live next door to a man like this I'd feel pretty miserable and low.

I wouldnt say leave for yourself OP, as you clearly love this abusive, pathetic man. How about doing it for your children though? The poor kids dont stand a chance with a bad-tempered, womanising twat as a role model. This guy has really done a number on you hasnt he?

capricorn sweetheart, you're massively overthinking and you're being so accommodating it's not true.

My mother had a saying that sometimes you bend over so far backwards that you hit your own head and that's what you're doing.

Read and learn from AF's post
Is this man displaying behaviour you would like your son to emulate in his marriage ? Would you tell your daughter a man like this is worth staying . because he takes the kids to the park? If no, then why is it ok for you?

If it were your daughter, your sister, your friend, whoever, would you happily support them putting up with this life?

It's totally up to you and you'll find support and a listening ear here, but please don't just settle because you feel the alterative is too hard, because you really need to take the long view here. It's one life.

Do you have any friends or family left? Please tell someone in RL.

Please read your post. Take your time and really read what you have written. He has hit you. He has withheld sex from you. He treated you like shit both times you were pregnant. He introduced another woman to your child behind your back and yet you are trying to be a better wife?! He is a disgusting excuse for a man and I have no idea why any woman would put up with being treated like this. Your husband is supposed to look after you and reassure you when you're pregnant and/or feeling low. I never tell women to leave their husbands but in this case I really think you need to get the hell away from this bastard.

He is not a great dad. He introduced his kids to a pole dancer and treats their mother like muck.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

A good father respects and nurtures the mother of his children. If he doesn't do this he's not a good father. He is the role model for adult relationships for his children. Is this how you want to teach your children a husband/father should behave?

Don't kid yourself that your children don't pick up on his lack of respect for you, or that your child won't have registered the pole dancer scenario as peculiar. Children pick up on everything.

I think you need to examine why your expectations of male behaviour are so low that you think any of this is ok.

When we first got together, he was (ironically) very honest. We had the same outlook on life, the same sense of humour etc. And I really felt like I could trust him, which was the most important thing to me.

But he's not honest anymore. He has lied and cheated. He has proven himself to be untrustworthy, and blames you for being insecure. Does he make you laugh anymore? Do you still have the same outlook on life? Do any of the reasons you first fell in love with him still apply anymore? Him spending time with the children as any decent father would doesn't count, he can still be a father to them if you were to separate. But I know how I would feel if my dad had treated my mum the way he treats you.

A good dad treats the mother of his children with total respect. If their mother has PND, he finds out about what that means and tries his best to ameliorate things. By ensuring she sees her GP, gets enough sleep, has support round the house etc. it wouldn't always be easy but he would try to keep a dialogue going and not resort to violence/porn and lap dancers.

OP, I just wanted to add that some people one here might seem angry at you - but they aren't. They are just frustrated about situations like these where good people - and you ARE a good person - end up being driven into the ground and broken down by men like this.

You behaviour is nothing compared to how he is treating you. It's like hearing someone say "well he did stab me in the stomach, but you know, I do often stamp my foot in anger, so neither of us are perfect...". The frustration comes because you can't see this - he has you so convinced that you are to blame that for now - and perhaps for a while longer - you will think that we simply don't understand how "terrible" you can be, and how "unreasonable" you are.

If you could see your daughter (assuming you have a daughter there) in her marriage in the future, and she was in exactly the same situation as you - would you be crying in happiness or in despair? Would you blame her, or her husband?

Oh Cantakerous....

You really have been ground down by this fella, and been blinded by love somewhat. So much so that you are no longer able to view whats going on from an anywhere near normal perspective.

You are clinging on to the little bits of good that he once had or the last shreds that he still shows to you or your kids. But in reality what you are describing is horrendous behaviour, its not even approaching acceptable and you really need to forge a life for yourself without this man. I know that probably sounds impossible or horrible at the moment. It isn't and it won't be. It will set you free and in the future you will look back appalled by what you let this man put you through.

Please try to find someone to confide in, in real life. someone you trust and respect, i will be astonished if they don't confirm what we are all saying. If you have no one find a counsellor or womens aid.

Life owes you so much more than what you have now, but you have to be prepared to grab it.

Find a good, trusted friend, explain to her what has happened, and she will help you get the hell out of there. Which is what you must do. And take the children with you. I am afraid the great cost of doing this is less than the cost of staying.

Some of the things your partner has done could be forgiven if they were in isolation but he fails at all levels;when you are at your most vulnerable he goes AWOL.