Feeling abandoned by hands-off family - anyone else?

[wimba]

Hi there,

Just wondering whether anyone out there has similar experience with their own parents. My parents (in their 60s) stopped calling me on the phone 7 years ago (I was doing my PhD at the time), for no obvious reason. After that it has just gotten worse, hardly any contact except initiated by me, and they never ask about my life or show any support. I call about once a week. I have two brothers, both younger than me. The youngest receive a call from my mum or dad at least twice a week (!), the other hasn't had a call in the last few years (like me).
My dad is mainly busy with the dog, his work and watching horse racing on the telly, my mum works a bit but mainly sleeps and watches the telly (she is semi-retired after having surgery to remove tumour 5 years ago). When me and my two boys (3 yrs and 6 months, respectively) visited last month (they live outside the UK), my parents spent a little time with the boys, but then whisked them out of the room so they could watch the telly. They hardly ever do anything, have zero social life.
I feel so abandoned by them. They never check on me that I am OK. I have been ill over the last few weeks with high fever and vomiting, which I told them about two weeks ago, and they haven't checked in on me even once. Looking after two small children (and an unwell husband too) while being ill yourself is not easy, and I just feel so sad and abandoned that nobody seems to want to make sure that I am OK.

Anyone with similar experience who can lend a little strength and encouragement? Sorely needed...

Do your brothers live in the same country as your parents? Did you move away from them or was it the other way around? You say there was no obvious reason for the phone-calls stopping seven years ago but did anything particularly change in your circumstances or theirs? (Was your DM's tumour diagnosed then, for example?)

I must admit, it's been a long time since I expected either of my parents to fuss over me when sick. Don't you have friends for that?

Hi Cogito,

Yes, my brothers live in the same country as my parents. The one who receives calls lives about 4 hours away from them, the other one lives in the same town.
I really don't know why my parents stopped calling me - it was very sudden and I was really confused about it at the time. The tumour was only diagnosed 2 years later, and I was still living in the same country as them at the time. I moved to the UK, so of course I accept that they won't visit me as often as if I still lived over there.
However, there was a definite lack of interest even before then. I say the calls stopped in 2007, but indeed they hadn't visited me even once for over 8 years prior to that (I lived about 4 hours away). For comparison, they go and visit my brother 5-6 times per year now - they see the one in the same town about once a month.
I have sort of come to terms with the fact that they might not care very much about me. I do have friends, but love from family is different isn't it? I wouldn't expect a fuss over being ill, but a call every now and then would mean so much (which I have told them). I just feel rather worn out and down, and a virtual, unconditional hug from my mum or dad would mean the world.

I understand where you are coming from. I moved away from home at 18 to go to uni and have lived in lots of places since. I live about an hour and a half away now from parents and siblings. I have lived in current area for about 20 years. My family hardly ever visit me here although it's a nice place to visit. My family are not very hospitable so it's awkward to visit unless we are prepared to pay for everyone to go out to eat. My parents got rid of their sofa about 3 years ago so now there is no where to sit either! We are a family of four. It's sad. My mum is funny about the phone too. She decided not to phone me anymore a few months ago. No idea why but she then complains to my sister that she hasn't spoken to me for ages. She stopped speaking to her brother for over 30 years!

Do they like your husband?

I think with my parents they consider me to be grown up and have considered me so since I left at 18. My brother still lives with them and my other sibling lives just down the road in a house they bought and gifted. Once when my parents visited my mum was fussing and worrying about my sister as she had a stomach bug and kept ringing her. I observed if I were ill, my mum wouldn't even know. Likewise, my dh is often abroad with work and I'm alone with kids. She still doesn't ring.

Yes, it would be nice. It hurts when it doesn't happen because it becomes so obvious you are less loved.

Give yoruself time and space to grieve the loss of loving parents. Anger too if you need to.

Jinglebells99, thanks for your posts. I guess it just shows you can't choose or change your family doesn't it... and that things sometimes are not the way you would like them to be. It's just hard to accept those things when it involves family and esp parents, as you assume they will always be there and you will always be loved and made to feel special.

Cogito, well yes as far as I know! But then again it is hard to please my mum so I wouldn't be surprised if there is some (perceived or real) slight that she is nurturing a grudge over.

Meerka, thanks for your post and yes I suppose it's a grieving process. Letting go is not easy though, is it. I am in touch with my brothers, which makes it perhaps a little better.

Wimba I could have written your post!!! I've never done anything 'wrong' to cause such distance with my parents, but they haven't called me in 8 years, haven't visited me in 3 years and don't care I've just given birth to their Grand child! They don't go out, socialise, or really do anything. They're lazy, selfish, and have frankly just given up being any kind of parent. I am trying to distance myself at the moment, which isn't hard as I am the only one making any effort anyway!!

are you very independent and successful? You mention a PHD? Do you think they're maybe intimidated/jealous of this?

I'm wondering whether they feel that once their offspring are adult they're off their hands? I know this sounds utterly bizarre, but if they personally had no frequent contact with their parents after adulthood, could this be the case? And the fact that they're living socially isolated lives means they don't compare their level of contact with those of their contemporaries? Just musing here - there is a member of our family who has had precious little contact with his adult children over the past few years without any issues or fallings-out and the only interpretation I can make is that he thinks it's a case of "job done", even though he's losing out spending time with some of the loveliest people I know.

Etienne1 and Optimist1, thank you both for your thoughts. It's very helpful to see things from an outside perspective!
You made me think of something related, that maybe my parents are just enjoying some hard-earned downtime after 20+ years of raising three (albeit wonderful and awesome ) children! They may well just be thinking, hey, I've spent years and years looking after other people's needs, so now I'll just do whatever the heck I want with my time. Disappointingly (for me) this mainly seems to involve sitting around on their arses and watching telly - but if that is what they want...!
Also, etienne1, I think you have a point, maybe they just feel we have very little in common - perhaps not jealousy per se, but different interests (I don't watch much telly...!).
Optimist1, to answer your question, my mum and dad both come from the same town, and both sets of parents (i.e. my grandparents) live(d) there too. Hence, me moving to a different country, that's just unheard of in my family, very exotic and untypical.

Are they (and you) from Australia? My parents are almost exactly the same to the extent I was wondering if I had posted the OP and forgotten about it. I moved out of home at 18 too.

Do they know they are supposed to contact you? They might think you are happy the way things are.

mimishimmi - no not Australian :-) we're Scandinavian - guess it's a global phenomenon, those too-laid-back parents...

HumblePieMonster - I reckon they probably think I should call more often, as I frequently get the comment 'oh, we haven't heard from you in a while' when I call (I have pointed out telephones work both ways). In response to my mum complaining that she was 'missing out on the grandchildren's childhood fun' due to the fact that I 'hadto move abroad', I am blogging messages, photos and videos daily. I'm not expecting them to do the same, just wish there was more effort at the other end!

My parents are the same and I had a rather disastrous holiday to see them last year (they also live abroad) that has made me reevaluate our relationship. Don't get me wrong - I still love them but I've realised that they are never going to be the parents I want them to be (which sounds awful but just a bit of thought & support would go a HUGE way!)

I also have a brother who seems to get the love & support for the both of us - golden child since forever though so nothing new!

I have had a tough couple of years and whilst having my parents support would have made a difference, I am lucky in that I have a couple of very close friends who I consider to be my family and who treat me in a way my mum and dad probably never will.

It is horrible though, especially now I have DC - it's not that their love is conditional as I am sure they love me in their way, it's just I don't really cross their minds very often

FushandChups - are we secret siblings??? We should get our parents together, they'd get on like a house on fire :-)

It's weird isn't it, when you become a parent yourself you gain some perspective on your own parents, and some of their behaviours suddenly make sense, whereas other behaviours make even less sense than before. I just find it so hard to understand that a parent would not wish to be in touch with their child. To know what they are doing, feeling, etc. How is it possible to detach from your child to that extent? I just don't understand it.

But like you say, it's probably more about coming to terms with reality than to actually try to change things.
Funnily enough, it was a disastrous holiday for me as well that made it all the more obvious that something has to give. In my case, probably my expectations and my hopes.

It's painful though - I am glad to hear you have close friends that are able to provide the support and help you need when things get rough. I am currently recovering from post-natal depression (which I also had with my first), and like you point out, a nice word or a loving message every now and then would go a long way. Doing without is awful!

I agree Wimba - now I have DC, the thought of not speaking to them for months on end is unthinkable! I share custody with my two 50/50 and I still have to ring them once a week whilst they are away from me just to hear their voices and what's new with them. Perhaps as children grow, it's easier to detach but looking back, my parents have never been that involved and what I used to see as helping me become strongly independent, I now wonder if it's because they didn't want to help or get involved in the first place!

Anyway, I'm much happier now I have distanced myself a bit and got a more realistic handle on what to expect - it is hard though..

I am sorry to hear about your PND as I guess that can heighten your isolation as well. i hope you're getting help and are on the mend.. and do remember, you're never alone with MN