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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Trust issues

16 replies

Anon65967 · 01/09/2014 11:10

I need help! My last relationship ended very badly with my boyfriend of a year sleeping with my best friend of four years behind my back. I know I shouldn't be dwelling on the past but unfortunately my current boyfriend of 5 years has been caught in the exact same situation. I come home from drinking with my friends to find him in bed with my best friend (who I had put to bed hours earlier due to being too drunk) they claim they cannot remember what happened due to being so drunk but my friend, who was put to bed fully clothed, was found naked from the waist down and he was completely naked cuddling her. Either way I see this as cheating. I'm now finding it hard to even deal with him looking at celebrities or looking at other girls in the street. I can not trust him to go anywhere or do anything without the fear of him cheating again but I am not the kind of person to stop him so I am suffering. can I ever get over this we are due to have a baby this month?!

OP posts:

Iconfuseus · 01/09/2014 11:14

Wow, that's awful.

I think you need to go to some couples counselling ASAP and work this through between you.

I wish you all the best.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/09/2014 11:18

You don't have 'trust issues' (psychological problem) you have 'a boyfriend you can't trust' (unfaithful fuckwit problem). He's caught literally with his pants down, tried to lie his way out of it, he's eyeing up women in the street and you're still giving him house-room? Of course you can't get over it. You'd be a fool if you tried.

Baby or no baby the man has to go so that you can stop suffering, get some of your self-respect back and start to live again.

Original poster

Anon65967 · 01/09/2014 11:29

Wow thank you for the quick responses. I feel like such a sap! I don't feel I can raise a baby on my own and feel its unfair I have to do it alone when all of this is his fault but it's constantly in the back of my mind.
I need a backbone to be able to shot him out of the house!

Thank you for replying to me

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/09/2014 11:35

You're not a sap at all. You're in a really tough situation but, with respect, you're making the wrong decision by trying to overlook his behaviour and making it tougher on yourself in the process. Apologies for saying you'd be a fool to try earlier.

I've been a single parent since birth and DS turned 14yo this year... so I know how difficult it is and I know why you're reluctant to go that route. However, it would have been 10 x MORE difficult to be his parent if I'd been trying to deal with an unfaithful pig at the same time.

Please ask him to leave. You can tell yourself it's not forever if it makes you feel better. Call it a 'trial separation'. But right now the message he's taking from your reaction is that he's got away with it and however low his respect was for you initially, it's now even lower. You don't need that.

Original poster

Anon65967 · 01/09/2014 11:41

I understand 100% what you're saying and admire you for being a single parent! hats off to you I think it's great. Thank you for your advice :)

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 01/09/2014 11:46

"You don't have 'trust issues' (psychological problem) you have 'a boyfriend you can't trust' (unfaithful fuckwit problem)."

That, with bells on!

aermingers · 01/09/2014 11:50

Um, can I just point out that if your friend was that incapably drunk that she had to be put to bed then she was in no fit state to be able to give consent to any sexual activity. And if he then crawled into bed with her and got naked and whatever happened - at the very minimum he sexually assaulted her, at worst he raped her.

lucidlady · 01/09/2014 11:54

And is this the same best friend? You need to get shot of both of them.

Original poster

Anon65967 · 01/09/2014 11:56

I can assure you he's not that type of person, she was put to bed 3-4 hours beforehand which makes me think she was more sober than she was letting on by the time he got in bed with her. If i thought she was too drunk to do anything then I would jump straight to the conclusion that nothing happened. Not that I am trying to defend the situation I just don't want anyone getting that impression :)

OP posts:

kaykayblue · 01/09/2014 11:57

If a man has sex with a woman who is too drunk to consent, then that is rape. Legally, it is rape.

So basically you put your friend to bed because she was (presumably) totally off her face. Your boyfriend then goes into that room, takes off her trousers and underwear and gets into bed naked.

That is - at best - sexual assault, and if he had sex with her, then that is rape.

Is knowing that your boyfriend is a rapist enough of an incentive to leave?

Have you spoken to her? Is she okay?

If you still want to stay with this man after this then you sort of disgust me.

Original poster

Anon65967 · 01/09/2014 11:57

It wasn't the same friend. I'm just unlucky and pick the bad people to have in my life, I guess!

OP posts:

kaykayblue · 01/09/2014 12:00

cross posted.

My god, you are actually making excuses for him. If she was totally drunk, then three hours, in bed, not moving around, drinking water, eating, is NOT enough time to sober up enough to consent to have sex with someone.

One of my best friends was at a house party where this exact situation happened between two friends of hers. Luckily though, she isn't such a disgusting person that she assumed her female friend must have been "lying" about how drunk she was and must have "consented" to the sex because her male friend was "such a great guy".

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/09/2014 12:02

You're definitely unlucky but you do have an opportunity to stop the rot, as it were. The circumstances of what may or may not have happened on that particular occasion are fairly incidental to the bigger problem which is that you are suffering. Not your boyfriend who would rather cover up than be honest. Not your friend who is entitled to call the police if she believes she was assaulted, of course. You. You are suffering in isolation

I don't suppose you will have shared this with anyone IRL?

Original poster

Anon65967 · 01/09/2014 12:03

Okay I give in now, this is turning nasty because some people think they know all. You weren't there, I've had some good advice from one person on here I do not need anyone else getting involved now, thanks. Yes my friend is perfectly fine, it's me who is suffering with it. This man is not a rapist and I think it's so sad women are so quick to jump to that conclusion. Leave it as it is.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/09/2014 12:09

Please ignore any of the more speculative responses that you are unhappy with rather than abandon the thread entirely

kaykayblue · 01/09/2014 12:12

I'm sorry that you feel that way Anon - the fact is that people here can only go on the information that you present. You presented the information that your friend was stone drunk enough for you to have to put her to bed, and then that your boyfriend (potentially) had sex with her.

That doesn't leave much room for speculation.

Even if you want to reject that possibility, the fact is that your boyfriend is - at VERY best - a cheating piece of shit who treats you with no respect.

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