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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

help stuck between the two..family and childs father

19 replies

rena119 · 01/09/2014 08:53

hi I made an account just seeking advice. iam 21 my bf is 25 our daughter is 1 Okay let me start my boyfriend and I met almost three years ago,6 months into us dating I fell pregnant with my daughter and he lost his job a few days after, we struggled to pick the rent as I was living with him after coming from a bad situation. my great aunt who raised me {I left her house months before I met my bf} found out I was pregnant and she let me live with her until the baby was born accepting my boyfriend too as we had nowhere to go she was very upset when I didn't name my child what she wanted. she was telling me she would kick me out if I didn't ...my great aunt is narcissistic she doesn't not care much about other peoples feelings everything is about her and she tells people what to do in their own home.smh but anyways my boyfriend has a bad weed problem and was draining our savings I asked him time and again and his excuse is he has underlying issues that he wont tell me about....he has been on and off jobs mostly food service as I was not working just home all year with my baby he has a temper and a slick mouth...he got kicked out for disrespecting my aunt she makes snide horrible comments and he said he could not take it anymore he also broke a computer we both used ..so she went nuts..I have been helping him somewhat get his stuff together and yesterday she said iam not loyal to her....and that I should kick him to the curve...I love him but I don't want to feel like am giving up on him I think when he is ready he will change but I feel wrong about the whole situation we were only supposed to be living with her until we saved up and moved. Now she wants to take the money from by claiming me as a dependent on taxes leaving me with nothing knowing I haven't been working I don't want to be a fool in love having my daughters father struggle to provide for us because of his selflessness but I don't want to have my crazy aunt put me out because iam willing to stand by him through the good and bad, he buys her what she needs and helps out when he can but his weed habit is making it hard for him to advance.....I feel worn out

OP posts:

Altinkum · 01/09/2014 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LIZS · 01/09/2014 09:01

You'd be better off without either of them tbh. He won't change and she is abusive. You've been independent before , you can be again.

Original poster

rena119 · 01/09/2014 09:02

iam not and yes Liz
I think I can manage that once I get a bit of a backbone
which I think I need to asap for my daughter sake

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/09/2014 09:05

I don't think your great aunt sounds either narcissistic or abusive, she sounds desperate. Look at this through her eyes. He's a dead-beat, dope-smoking man who is angry, destructive and verbally abusive as well as going through all your cash, spending it on drugs. And you're standing by him.... That's why she wants to take control of the money. She's trying to save you from yourself.

Kittydragon · 01/09/2014 09:08

Rena, both of them are abusive to you. Neither will ever change. Can you call Women's Aid for advice?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/09/2014 09:11

How is the aunt abusive? Because she said 'LTB'? Because she stands up to this waste of a man? Or because she tells people what to do in their own home?

LIZS · 01/09/2014 09:16

See what you mean, it could be that aunt is trying to protect op from herself, but ultimately she wants to control the op's money. OP is 21 so has right to manage it herself. Maybe she has been feckless in aunt's opinion and relationship with bf is toxic but op sounds as if she is conditioned to being controlled and aunt is disliking her attempts to stand up for him rather than facilitating her independence.

Altinkum · 01/09/2014 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magoria · 01/09/2014 09:35

I can see why you moved onto a shit relationship with a shit man after being brought up by someone shit enough to threaten to throw you out if you didn't name your child what they wanted.

Your bf is a 25 year old man with a weed habit he puts before his child and a temper he goes around breaking things in.

You need to set yourself up alone and protect yourself and DC from both of them.

mummytime · 01/09/2014 09:41

Why not start thinking about this from your DDs point of view?

Him: is he the kind of father she deserves? Will he support her? Financially? Emotionally? Be there when she needs him? (Really there?) Is he a good role model?

Your Great Aunt: Is she a good role model? Does she have your DDs best interests at heart? Is your DD safe with her?

You: what kind of a role model do you want to be? how do you want to raise her? Can you get to any parenting classes? (If you didn't have the best upbringing, this could help you to learn new ways to deal with things.)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/09/2014 09:42

"Threatening behaviour isn't healthy."

I accept that but, unless I've got this badly wrong, the great aunt was in loco parentis and the OP was not only pregnant by this aggressive dope-head but also penniless and homeless inside just a few months of leaving her home. Faced with poor judgement, aggravation & ingratitude, might not an argument over a baby's name be a flashpoint?

OP you mentioned moving in with the b/f to get away from a 'bad situation'... was your great aunt the bad situation or are you referring to something else?

Original poster

rena119 · 01/09/2014 21:55

she was the bad situation I just packed up and left at 18 because I failed one class in college and she decided I was a failure because of it calling me a drop out so I left attempting to move somewhere else while getting back on track.

and I can try iam in florida..I called around to like shelters and such all full with waiting lists and public housing never contacted me...

my bf is detoxing.
but we are on separate paths maybe when he gets it together he can come back and be his own man

iam currently looking for work so I can afford schooling
and to get daycare assistance

my aunt adores my daughter and my baby is sheltered and fed but she also says that my daughter is hers and that she loves her more now than she did me and my older cousin. Who moved far away because my aunt did not support her dreams and critized her when she would fall.
repeating that she should have followed the career path she told her too..call her stupid and foolish ect.

OP posts:

Original poster

rena119 · 01/09/2014 22:00

also she brings up about how much she has did for me when I was little and such saying she took me in because my mom couldn't deal with me..i was premature @ 1pd and 8 oz..my mom was 15 she went on to have 7 more kids and is living off the govt. she doesn't work and I don't want to be like her.

I want to be a role model to my daughter and show her that she is capable of anything she puts her mind to.
and to look after herself first
I will prepare her for the world and make sure she does not make my mistakes.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/09/2014 22:11

OK so your aunt has plenty going against her but your boyfriend isn't the escape route either. I hope you find a way to be properly independent.

Original poster

rena119 · 01/09/2014 22:28

yes cogito.
I will
I guess since I've been sheltered from everything i have not fully grasped how to be on my own and see what the real world is like...
it will be hard but iam willing to go out and stand on my own two feet
i need to do it for myself. no one can motivate me but me.

OP posts:

Kittydragon · 02/09/2014 08:57

It can be hard to go it alone, and won't happen overnight. But it can be worthwhile and lead to really good things.

What are your plans for now?

Original poster

rena119 · 04/09/2014 04:23

my plans is to work
go back to school and get out into my own place

OP posts:

heyday · 04/09/2014 09:16

Sorry but your bf is a total waste of space and you can't go wasting precious energy on trying to sort out his problems especially as he seems to have no real desire to resolve them himself. You run your great aunt down but she gave you a home, raised you, let you and your boyfriend live with you after you get pregnant. Remember she didn't HAVE to do any of those things. She obviously has issues but by the sounds of it, you all do. It's time to back right off your bf, let him sort his own mess out, try to keep the peace with your great aunt until you can hopefully return to school and eventually get your own place. Have no illusion about how hard this will be but it can be achieved if you really want it. What you can't afford is any freeloading baggage dragging you down so dump the bf and put all your time and energy into making life better for yourself and your DD.

Quitelikely · 04/09/2014 10:01

Your aunt, at the moment is your protective factor, I feel.

She is helping you by keeping a roof over your head and keeping your daughter safe. She obviously loves you and wants the best for you. She has to all intents and purposes looked after you all these years. She may even think of herself as your mum. I am in no way excusing some of her behaviour towards you but she had raised you for all these years and for that she deserves credit.

I think it is a good idea to return to education so that you can go on to find a job you want whilst in turn setting a great example to your daughter. I think your aunt is looking out for you with regards to your boyfriend. You have a child to think of now and he needs to step up to the mark. He couldn't do that as of yet. He has had chances though.

Stay strong and go back to school. And since you have said your aunt adores your daughter please encourage that influence to continue. The positive, safe relationship will benefit your daughter.

Good luck

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