Headfuck relationship with my dad- please help, so upset

[NamasteGirl]

My dad wasnt in my life at all til I was 16. No reason why, he just wasnt bothered. He got taken to court by DSS a few times for not paying his child support. And while he was off doing whatever, my mum got together with some arsehole who abused me verbally and physically until I moved out at 20. My real dad wrote to my mum when I was 16 and asked to write to me, she gave me the decision to make and I was excited so I wrote back. We eventually started talking on the phone and meeting up a bit when I was 20. I was in a bad place at the time as I was off work for nearly a year with depression causd by all the abuse shit. And then my dad decided he was going to move several hundred miles away, to involve himself further in the cult he is part of (seriously). I was very hurt at the time and felt abandoned again. Things went downhill from there. When me and dp (now dh) went down there on one occassion my dad and his wife got very full on about their beliefs and left me in tears at the dinner table. The physical distance meant wr could see each other v little and things were so up and down, I became increasingly pissed off with our history. We were barely ever seeing each other and occasionally Id get a cheque for my bday or whatever and just think I dont understand what this relationship is, and it made me feel so shitty. So we had a blazing row and I cut contact.

A few years later Id had ds and found myself missing talking to my dad so I contacted him. He was all happy to hear about ds and gave me £5000 (which I wish I had never accepted) and we started seeing and chatting to each ither again. Things were going well until the start of this year when I emailed him chatting about what was going on with me, dh and ds (news and stuff) and he never replied. A month went by and I could feel myself getting really wound up and angry, all the stuff in the past came rushing up for me again. So eventually I texted him and said did you get my email last month, and he said yeah sorry, been busy with extension on the house. Heard fuck all from him since then, that was several months back. And then I get an email saying what do we want for our birthdays. I mean wtf. So I reply as if Im not upset at all, when really I am fucking confused and seething inside.

I dont fucking understand what he wants. He has never made any real effort with me, we feel close and then we feel estranged, Im sick of it. It hurts. I woke up at 6 this morning churning it all over in my head and I keep feeling so panicky, like my throat is going to close up. I have battled with depression snd anxiety my whole fucking life and every day is still a tightrope and I dont need this. I dont know what to do. He texted me last week and said do I fancy meeting up in London, but ds is 3 and thats not v practical, and I feel shitty about evetything and I dont want to do it.

On top of the above, my paternal grandfather, who I have only met twice ever, emailed a d said he will be nearby in a few weeks, so hed love to see me. I havent seen him for ten years and I am in such a mess over my dad, I agreed but was feeling so horribly panicky and anxious about seeing him, that yesterday I emailed and said Im terribly sorry but Im dealing with a lot at the moment and its not the right time. I just cant deal with it. I feel guilty but the thought if him turning up on my doorstep when he is a total stranger and this situation is a headfuck, I cant do it.

Someone please advise or help me get some clarity on this. I am lost.

Right so here's something you already know: your dad is shit. He's a shit dad. He always will be. Plus he's in a cult so that's always something worth avoiding! It sounds like he sees you as an acquaintance that he's happy to speak to when you make all the running but otherwise rarely has time to remember. If you expect more from him than this you are always going to be hurt by him. So you need to decide: do you want a casual relationship with him where you can expect nothing from him, or would you rather go no contact.

In terms of your grandfather, I think you can treat that as something entirely separate from your dad. If he mentions him, simply say you're not discussing him and let's focus on your grandfather getting to know your ds.

What you absolutely must not do is bottle up your feelings. That damages you and lets him think that it's okay to pick you up and drop you at will. It definitely is not.

You owe him nothing, not even that 500 quid. You are his child and he did fuck all for you your entire childhood. So forget about the money and decide what you want out of the relationship.

I rarely speak to my dad, although we're not estranged. He does remember ds at Christmas and for his birthday, but I get the impression he is not so good at remembering ds' cousins, it's a bit hit and miss. That's the life he's chosen for himself - I can't imagine it personally but hey ho. I can't change who he is. It used to deeply upset me and I think over time I've just let it go. I know that ultimately he will regret his failure as a parent much more than I will.

Sorry you're feeling so hurt. All you can do is protect yourself, starting now.

I don't know if I can help. But some parents are plain useless like that, sadly. My dad is similar and I've tried for years but after an incident earlier this year, I've told him straight that I just don't see how I can continue a relationship with him. It's just too stressful. It hurts, but less than the stress, he's just so passive and stand-offish.

All I can do is offer unmumsnetty hugs xxx

namaste, I think the core of this is that your father isn't a Daddy but a stranger who happens to be labelled Daddy.

You want a real Daddy - a loving man who cares and was/is there for you. He wasn't and he isn't. He's just a stranger who drifts into and out of your life when he feels like it.

You come (quite naturally!) with a deep seated desire for a Daddy who loves you, cares for you and wants to be there for you. The fact that he didn't ever do that when you were growing up means that you still do; the strength of your emotions around that proves you have a lot of expectatoins.

Im afraid that the best way forward could be one of two paths: either to face your emotions straight on, mourn the loss of your Daddy that he could have been but wasn't, come ot terms with being angry that he wasn't, and accept him for the man / near stranger that he is.

He didn't care enough to be around when you were a child and didn't care all that much when you had the row and cut contact. He obviously feels something, but not enough to be reliable or steady. You will never have a real fatherly relationship with him because he doesn't want that. But you could have a satisfactory, if shallow, relationship with him on an adult level.

Or cut him out altogether. That can be a shortcut and it can work, though behind the shut door you may well still have some longings.

I am sorry for the pain you live with, namaste. Have you got anyone IRL you can talk to about this? That can help. I do hope you find some peace

I have a shit dad too.

I can't change him, he will never be the dad I deserve or grandfather my children deserve so I no longer bother. No big deal, no massive fall out, I've just accepted he's a twat and I don't need that or him in my life.

Every now and then I get a bit upset, (usually after a bottle of wine!) but on the whole I'm a lot happier than trying to figure out why he doesn't care.

However I'm very lucky that I do have a step dad who is wonderful and more than makes up for twat face.

If I were you, I would concentrate on your immediate family, your ds and dp (if you have one). The other thing I have learned, is how not to treat your family!