Bloody horrible temper and lack of control

[Stubborncow]

How do you deal with someone who has a horrible temper?
My OH has one which used to only come out rarely but is more frequent now...he used to exercise more regularly and he's also stressed at work these days which is probably why he is on a shorter fuse.
I generally remain calm and don't swear or shout back. Try not to call names and I call him out on his behaviour to help him see how he is behaving. I am a stubborn person so I know that can be infuriating but I know also that he needs to take responsibility for his actions and words. He is not violent to me nor am I fearful that he will be. Neither drink nor drugs are involved. He throws stuff (on the ground, not at me) and basically behaves in a way that would get a child a serious sentence on the naughty step.
I've tried to help get him exercising again (biking or running or whatever) but he hasn't. Does anger management deal with fierce tempers?
A big thing also is that he blames others for making him angry and focussing on that rather than he fact he lets himself get out of control.
Any suggestions? (Other than LTB?!)

Does he do this with other people or just you?

Does he throw things and lose it in front of the children or about anything they've done?

Does he ever apologise.

You can't cure his temper. You can live with it or leave.

He doesn't throw things around at the children or anything to the extent he loses it with me and he controls it at work so I guess, in saying that, it shows he can control it but doesn't bother where I am concerned. He can be a bit shouty with the kids but nothing like he allows to happen with me.
With regards to not being able to cure a temper, I beg to differ as I have a fairly foul temper but have a few strategies - simple awareness and acceptance that it's my responsibility to keep it under wraps being one of them- to stop it being unleashed nastily on others.

It might not bother you, but does it affect the kids when he is shouty with them?

Him shouting at them probably bothers me more than them. They don't like it, obviously, but they deal with it fine.
As for apologizing- no! He is crap at that though we know each other well enough that I know the times he is sorry and when he totally isn't! As an example- the blow up that just inspired me to write here, he is clearly sorry...thank fuck!

What pp mean is that YOU can't control HIS temper. There's nothing you can do to help him, he has to decide he wants to change and he has to get out and fine himself the help he needs.

It's like being with an alcoholic... you can't stop them, they can only stop themselves. Doesn't sound like he's going to take control of himself so you're going to have to fit in or fuck off, if you'll pardon the expression. Harsh but true.

Thanks, thestamp, for clarifying. Yep, that makes sense.
I need to gauge properly whether he is willing to try to control it or continues to blame it all on me being stubborn.

He has to want to sort it as others have said, exercising might help.

It's if you want to put up,with it.

He loses his temper with you because he wants to. He doesn't apologize because he doesn't see why he should. It's really very simple. Question is: why do you put up with it?

if he blames others all the time you're on a loser. its not until people see the necessity to change and decide they -want- to that they actually do.

That means being honest that it IS their responsibilty they lost their temper. He isn't taking that.

Btw, very bad example for your kids, seeing that it's okay to shout at mum and throw things on the floor.

The day I see someone come on here and say 'I know my temper is unacceptable, I need to change how I react and behave, help please' is the day I will take a case like this seriously.

I see a lot of posts like yours. Never the converse.

You could try an ultimatum to make it clear he has something to lose. You'd have to mean it. If you don't want to do that, you're going to have to tolerate it. I'm not saying anyone should have to tolerate that, just that this is the reality.

Please remove your children from this situation. My dad was like this and now I live 6 000 miles away from him. It is NOT ok. Ever.

I'm sorry that you are with an abusive person. Anger, verbal abuse, blaming others, blaming you, being destructive... I think calling it a horrible temper is minimising what's happening. If he can keep a lid on the behaviour elsewhere, why are you the only one that gets to see it? Even though you are calling him out, remaining calm and so forth, his intention is to intimidate. What you do and say is being modified whether you want to admit it or not. Your DCs are not only being shouted at, they will be witnessing his treatment of you. Don't underestimate the damage that does to a child.

'Sorry' is easy if he does nothing about it. If you don't demand better behaviour, it won't happen

I am one of these people, I have a horrible temper and a sharp tongue. I recognise I am losing it and can most of the time jump in the car and drive off to cool off for a bit but sometimes I don't - I just explode - full on plate thrower mode, most people know me and know its coming and just leave me to it. If you can recognise its a trait you have that's half the battle, I say crap I don't mean in the heat of the moment and I am flawed, I recognise and admit this - I don't think I can change it, I am hot headed and always have been but I can remove myself from the situation before I punch someone most of the time. Your other half needs to accept this also and find something like you suggested with exercise to help sort of deal with it.

Him shouting at them probably bothers me more than them
Probably??
Do you know?
Have you spoken to them about this and how it's affecting them?
Don't make assumptions where children are concerned.

This sounds horrible and if anyone did it to me they'd be kicked out until they got themselves sorted out!

You know it's wrong. You know it's a bigger issue than you are making out or you wouldn't have posted.

Do you usually threaten with something the 'next time it happens' and then not follow through?

He has no consequences to his actions so he has no motivation to change.
Until he has both these things you and your poor DC will continue to live in this abusive environment!

In the past I was proud of my temper and the fear it caused when I unleashed it. It took a lot of self awareness to recognise I was being abusive to people I cared for (and to random strangers) and to decide to do something about it and the other things wrong in my life. I went for psychotherapy and spent two years unravelling the causes of my outbursts.
My life is almost unrecognisable now from how it was. I no longer "have a temper" and I recognise the factors that were leading to my loss of control and can act early to prevent meltdown. But it wasn't easy and I really wanted to change my behaviour. Nobody else could have done that for me.
Do you think your DH actually recognises his own behaviour is abusive? Or cares?

Attempting to manage someone else's terrible behaviour is never a good thing. He doesn't need help or for you to point the obvious out to him. You need a zero tolerance approach to this abusive behaviour.

It is usually said that it takes two to be stubborn.
If you are, so is he, then. Except that he classes it as you being stubborn if you don't agree with him.
He is acting like a parent in that respect, and a petulant child at the same time by having a tantrum.

IF he is willing to work on it, I think both of you could benefit from improving your communication skills. One way may be through transactional analysis. I found it interesting in realising the roles we play and how we can change the way we act and say things to adult exchanges.

Him shouting at them probably bothers me more than them. They don't like it, obviously, but they deal with it fine.

You know what? My mother would have said the same thing when I was a teenager. But while it may have appeared that I dealt with it fine, I didn't. I struggled. And now I'm almost 50 and I STILL remember how shitty and horrible I felt while he was shouting at me. And I know that some of the reason I got sucked into abusive relationships was because I grew up in an abusive household. And it's also one of the reasons that I had to separate from my stbx, because he was shouting at our dcs. And they may have appeared to be "dealing" with it... but they're young, and they really were just learning that if you don't like something, you shout.

I've also seen the effect it has had on stbx's adult son, who is an angry bitter adult with a warped view of the world (something I didn't see for quite some time as he lives a few hours away and I just didn't ever see him). I do NOT want my children to grow up like this.

When I say that you can't cure his temper I meant that you can't cure his temper. Not that tempers can't be cured.

I'm the same as some of the others, when I finally lose my temper it's not nice but over the years I've learnt how to manage my feelings.

There are 2 things I needed to do, 1st is to regognise the patterns of feelings and circumstances that lead to the building of an explosion. By doing this I can recognise and interrupt the cycle and things don't get to that stage.

Recognising the building feelings is just one thing, in the cold light of day on a good day, I needed to think about what would be an effective alternative behaviour to interrupt the cycle with and remember it for when needed.

By interrupting the cycle, things don't build the the explosive stage.

But to be perfectly clear, YOU cannot police his temper. YOU cannot change him. HE has to do it. And if he is not willing to do so, the whole issue is dead in the water.

I live with a man like this. Perfectly civil & responsible anywhere but home where apparently it is entirely my fault that he 'loses it.' Bullshit.

He genuinely believes that if I just learn to 'keep my mouth shut' then all our problems would magically disappear. Bullshit. He's a controlling and abusive bully.

I'm making plans to leave because I know he will never change.