I have had a fabulous summer with two free weeks when DS went to his Dad. This gave me time to relax, de-stress a bit and just generally take some time out.
During this time a close male friend spent time with me. He was supportive, kind and really looked after me. But he is a drinker and as such I cannot get involved with him but....there is always a but isn't there?
I was sexually abused as a child, as such relationships are very difficult for me. I find it hard to trust men and it takes me a ling time to get to know people well enough to trust the,. I have had years of counselling around this.
Over the two weeks my friend was around (he lives nearby) we talked more and more and I found myself telling him about the past. He was just so wonderful and kind, so gentle and so supportive that I was just blown away by it all. The subject came up as we inevitably ended up snuggling up in the sofa and talking the night away.
The big thing for me was being able to do this, we even shared the bed a couple of nights. We didn't do anything, just cuddled and talked.
Because of his alcohol issues (which are not good) I feel he needs a friend more than a relationship. I also have enough self preservation to know that a relationship with a man addicted to alcohol would not be a good bet.
I have said some of this to him and he agrees ...he even seemed relieved. He said that his relationship history is not good and that the problems in the relationships have all been his fault and due to his drinking ....in that it causes severe financial issues.
So we have left things as they are....we are still friends and chat extensively via Messenger and see one another nearly every day.
I cannot get the nights we talked and bed shared out of my head though. He was so gentle with me and it's not something. I have ever experienced before with a man. Even though we didn't do the deed (am quite sure he would have done if I'd been up for that) we were able to just hold each other and cuddle up.
He really isn't in a good place for a relationship but it's left me feeling very confused about things. Having thought I'd never feel anything for a man again I am realising that I have so missed that closeness you get from a relationship.
I am so desperate to experience that again I am even considering asking him if we can get together again when DS is not around just so I can feel that contact.
I know that I won't do that though as emotionally this man is not available to me....his first love is alcohol at the moment. I am missing the brief contact we had already though and feel like we shared something very special.
Am I mad? How do I move on? Am so confused about things.
Have read Women Who Love Too Much (me, me, me...) and recognise some of that in relation to myself.
I am beginning to think I will never have that lovely close contact with a man ever again....and currently that is making me emotional. Why is the first man I have really really liked in a long time so bloody up available emotionally? Am I really that messed up?
If you've for to the end of my rambling then thank you. I think I feel better for writing it down but am not sure.