I want to stay in my home even though H is abusive.

[Antoniabegonia]

H and I have both retired recently. We have been married 40 years. Throughout most of that time he has been verbally, emotionally and occasionally physically abusive (shoving, hitting once, threatening etc).

My children are grown and do not live with us. After our last child left the abuse quietened down and I was working while he was not. I know he knew the balance had shifted in my favour and he was more careful and backed off from much if the abuse. I actually though we might find some type of happiness!

Over time though the abuse restarted slowly and escalated when I retired. He now has regular verbal outbursts over nothing but knows if he ever touches me again I will call the police and go for a restraining order and divorce.

Frankly the ranting is just boring for me and I don't give a damn. I don't like him or care about him and I don't hate him. He is just nothing to me. My eyes were opened a couple of years ago by an incident and I found a therapist and books and saw how abusive and manipulative he was and as a result can see through all the lies and manipulation so it just has no affect any more.

He started ranting this morning about my leaving the dishwasher open and I told him it was because, as the only person in the house doing any housework and I loaded and unloaded the dishwasher while I was having my breakfast and multiple cups of tea (!) I could do what I want and he could either walk round it of shut it if he wanted. In the middle of this rant he hit my arm (not hurting me at all) but sending my precious tea all over the kitchen with splashes on the ceiling! He semi cleaned it up himself but I did the rest.

He didn't apologise (never does as it's all my fault anyway !) and expected me to call the police which I didn't as I wasn't hurt, intimidated or scared. Just contemptuous of him. It did make me think he was maybe starting to ramp it up again as he gets nowhere with me anymore and minimal reaction.

We have a son with mild autism who lives alone and functions in society but needs a lot of support from both of us, especially practical things like his car and managing his money. He will never be able to manage alone and may need care in the future but basically won't get 'better'. My daughter has a physically disabled child who needs a lot of my time and money to support her. Mainly my time. I can't go back to work because my job was very physical and my time is taken up with my GS.

I love my house and garden and don't want to leave it. If I decide to divorce I will be financially much worse off and may lose the security of a home of my own. I would probably be able to buy a small house but it will take all my savings too. My H would most likely move back to Scotland where his family are and would not be here to help my son. He would also probably cut my daughter and GS out of his will (threatened this) so my GS may never live independently. I would struggle financially and the additional stress of dealing with my son and grandson would be very hard for me to cope with as I have arthritis. I can't walk away from either so that is not up for discussion, sorry.

If he divorces me I will cope. I don't need another man in my life. I just need a plan to live with someone I loathe at the moment but usually am totally indifferent to. Has anyone else been in this situation? I would love never to see him as long as I live but my children are still keeping me tied to this man.

War and peace, sorry again.

I've had some great advice on legal MN and will download the court papers tomorrow and fill them in. That will start the ball rolling.

I need to do this carefully and wait until I have all the questions I need answers to before booking a solicitor (have been given a good name!) because money will be very tight if I am to buy a small house.

I am under 65 so mortgage is a possibility and a loan is another. I have excellent credit but not sure if it's still valid after retirement. I would hate to be a carer to H and I would kill myself before I let him 'care' for me.

I have worked out that Hs assets are 5K above my savings and that is already out of the way in an ISA which I will put into DgDs trust fund. Have discussed with DD finances and how I won't be able to afford so much extra equipment.

DD wants me to be happy and knows I am not. She says she will stay superficially neutral and not antagonise H. DS wants to trek to the base camp at Everest for 5-6K . Always the dreamer! But he will have to manage his own debt if he does this or lose his home.

I have photocopied Hs car ownership documents x 2 and will try to get a bank statement of his and the value of his jetski as these are his most expensive assets. He has expensive shotguns too (didn't mention this as it freaks people out ) but I am 99.9% sure I won't come to harm and by the time he found his keys! unlocked the cupboard and loaded up I'd be well away . Seriously please don't worry on my behalf re the guns. His is more a sudden instantaneous rage and over in a flash though the ranting can go on for hours

There will be unpleasantness when he gets the papers through but I feel so much better already but will probably need a bit of propping up if I falter

Didn't want to read and run and don't have a lot to contribute, but I wanted to say I hope you're okay.

I'm duly freaked, Antonia. Can you hide the keys and and/or remove the ammunition from the premises. Better - please talk to police about your situation on 101 , and tell them there is weaponry on the premises. They are better placed to advise than MN.

I knew you would be freaked!

The keys are well hidden from me and he has never shown or threatened anything with the guns. It sounds crazy but he is more likely to smash up the house than use the guns. To use a gun would be cold blooded rage and he only does hot blooded rage! If I felt remotely threatened the police would be called.

He was convinced yesterday I had called the police because of the tea incident and he knows his guns will go and the hobby he spends so much time on. He was sh himself I promise.

Just so you know OP - firearms in the house increase the likelihood of domestic abuse turning to murder by 8 times, rising to 20 times if there has been previous physical violence.

Murder can be carried out in both cold-blooded and hot-blooded rages, so you have no guarantee there.

Some women end up being killed in domestic abuse precisely because they don't fear their partner physically - the partner may previously have been 'only' emotionally abusive. But some men go from no previous physical violence to murder in one fail swoop. It is not the case that all women who end up killed by their partners have experienced sustained physical abuse. The fact that you do not fear him cannot unfortunately reassure any of us. Think of Oscar Pistorius.

There's a reason why people with violent incidents to their name are refused gun licenses or have them revoked. The fact that your husband has ever been violent or threatening with you means that he should not have a gun license full stop.

OP, I've been lurking, but just wanted to say, do you know someone who could come and remove the firing pins from the guns? (And take them away somewhere for safe-keeping).
I'm not suggesting for a second that it sounds like your h might 'go' for them, but it would remove any possibility.
KOKO.

Thank you for your concern Twinkle. I am aware of the risk and have seen some awful stories where a previously (apparently) rational person has lost it with guns and I have the odd twinge of anxiety. But shooting is his real passion and he is not irrational enough to want to spend the rest of his life in jail.

The guns are locked away and I don't know where the keys are, but I think it's not a good idea to enrage him by touching his precious guns.

I know the warning signs and I will keep my phone with me always and lock my bedroom door. It's when he starts to rage I need to be careful but if I just repeat there is nothing to talk about any more and leave it at that he has nothing to feed off.

So far H is calm and doing his 'I don't give a damn' act so I am just going to watch TV and go to bed . Please please don't worry. I won't provoke anything by standing up to him because (thanks to you) I've made my decision. He once said to me if I left he would turn on the charm and I would come running back! Love to see him try

It's impossible to know which guys have the capacity for red mist violence, it's literally unpredictable. I hope you're right.

Keep your phone not just with you but on your physical body (ie in a pocket etc), if he starts raging don't let yourself get backed into small rooms with no escape (like a bathroom), and don't get in a car with him.

Personally I would give Women's Aid a call on 0808 2000 247 and ask their advice.

Just for safety I would also call the non-emergency police number on 101 when you're ready to leave him, let them know you're ending a relationship with an abusive man, so that you call them if necessary.

He probably doesn't think you'll actually go through with it, as you've threatened it before. And he's clearly kidding himself that he can control you with his 'charm'. The flashpoint will be when he realised you're serious & that he's facing old age alone.

Just wanted to post because of people freaking out about the guns.

She's been living in that house for years. He knows where she sleeps. There are KNIVES in the house, hammers, hard implements to knock her around, guns are not the issue here. The over-reaction to guns is just that, over-reaction.

OP - I do agree with advice about keeping yourself safe once he's served, only because he probably really doesn't doesn't believe it will happen and once he knows it will, he'll be in shock. Again, not about the guns, just his violence in general.

I have worked out that Hs assets are 5K above my savings and that is already out of the way in an ISA which I will put into DgDs trust fund. Have discussed with DD finances and how I won't be able to afford so much extra equipment.

Be careful about moving money around as it can be seen as duos depleting your assets which can lad you in trouble.

*land not lad

Well, I'm not completely unfamiliar with firearms, which if anything makes me more cautious rather than less. In the house of a responsible and calm owner, gun ownership may or may not be a problem, according to your views. In the house of a hot tempered, aggressive or suicidal person, it certainly can be.

The statistics bear me out, which is why the laws on licensing are changing where there is DV ....as of course you already know.

I'm not trying to scare you or suggest the situation is more dangerous than it is. It would just be irresponsible to pretend that gun ownership doesn't increase the risk, when the evidence says it does.

The ins and outs of our opinions don't need to be your main focus though: only your safety matters, while you plan what to do.

Tracker. I will be extra cautious and will remain calm. Most importantly I won't allow him to drag me into the same old arguments where I have to defend myself because I can see through it all. I've read the Lundy book and done the freedom program and I am now just anxious to get it all over with and move on.

I found out something yesterday which has angered me so much that there is no possibility of living with H. I am reluctant to write about it here but may put something in OTBT and link to it. Not being mysterious but it is very sensitive and I need to be careful. (Not involving my safety though)

Please do push ahead with the separation - it sounds as if you now have extra impetus as well, and I'm glad it isn't something which (further) risks your safety.

This is the most recent episode and was really the last straw for me.

Been awake since 4 am. My head aches I hope it gets better.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/off_the_beaten_track/2174076-Contacting-ex-friend-Am-I-doing-the-right-thing

Downloading court petition papers and will fill them in today. Will phone court to ask fee for petition.

Have been discussing/arguing with H for several hours today as he thinks we should stay together. He will do half the housework blah blah blah. He accepts responsibility for most of our problems, he is sorry for it, sorry for the tea incident. Almost talked me round, but I pushed him and let a lot of the anger out and sure enough he reverted to type and all of a sudden he was justified, trying to tie me in knots again, evasive and manipulative. .

So pleased as I was wavering but I knew at some point his true colours would come out.

Unfortunately my computer has conked out and is being repaired so no court papers til next week. The court said I had to pay £410 up front and that was it. It's a lot of money but he won't pay anything.

I am exhausted but keep waking at 4 am and can't sleep hence silly o'clock posting! I hope the tension goes away at some point. My head feels as though it will explode. I think also from trying to talk to H and fighting not to let my brain start to tie itself in knots.

Have started a list of pros and cons and so far the pros are way ahead

No point passing money to a disabled child or leaving it to them in a Will, it will only stop them getting benefits.

Depends what benefits. DLA (or PIP) as it now is is not means tested.

Housing Benefit is means tested and that is a major issue for the life long disabled as is the increasing means testing of services for those who need help.

You could always go to the library and use there computer to print out papers it's about 12p sheet, just an idea

I know all about disabled benefits (I am in receipt if it myself). The OP is best to know what the needs if the DGC are. If they can support themselves financially through a trust etc then that is better than relying on benefits which may or may not exist when the DGC reaches age.

I have left some money and property to my daughter as she can manage the DGCs future. Also to DS so I think that's ok.

H says he has a friend who will buy out my half of the property, presumably as an investment, who knows, who cares! So it may be fairly easy to look at properties in the near future.

I think DD has a printer so if things get unbearable I can the printing done there. I think it will be good for me to give it a few days to reflect as all the arguing yesterday has dragged a lot of issues up and upset me, but I know I don't want to stay and nothing will change that.

Feeling awful though but I suppose that's normal.

Is there anything I can read that helps with the emotional side of divorce?

Hi
Go on the Relate site ( not all about couples) so info on splitting up etc
And if you want to you can chat online Free to a councillor.

Get some you time, and try and stay out off his way! Even though this will be going through your head, you don't need H hampering on down your neck

'H says he has a friend who will buy out my half of the property'....
DON'T agree to anything like this until you have spoken to a solicitor. Do you know this friend? Are you sure they exist and it is not H buying you off with some money he has squirrelled away?
Tread very carefully here.