HELP!

[1Cheesedoff]

My husband has stonewalled me for the past 3months for confronting him about something. I have been strong but now on melt down. How dare someone think they can treat you no better than a dog. He walks past me when he eventually gets out of bed at 12 on weekends. Bas....d! Then sits all day and watches television. Like I said read all the sites and tried not to let it get me down. I f it wasn't for my two children I would be gone..

Asked him again today if he gets some kind of kick out of not speaking to me and he says its easier not to speak. I have made an effort to sort it out several times but the answers I get are 2what do you want me to say". I'm torn between turning my sons lives upside down by going or having a life of misery by staying. When I have said we need to split up he just says go then.

Please give me the stern talking to that I deserve and that I would give to someone in my position. Why are we so blinded when it comes to our own problem, but can sort out everyone else's. x

Your son's are having their lives and their family destroyed at the moment. this cannot be a pleasant environment for them to be living in.

Why on earth don't you just put everyone out of their misery?

Yes, he's being a dick, but you're turning yourself into a 'victim' by putting up with it.

Your children are suffering because of this poisonous dynamic. Your only option is to leave him.

How old are your boys?

He obviously has a lot of stamina for this behaviour. Has he got form for this. Does he have any redeeming features?

You don't need a stern talking-to, you're doing that to yourself already. It doesn't necessarily follow that you'll be turning your children's lives upside down, it could be that they become appreciative that you've saved them from worse.

"Having a life of misery by staying"

That says it all really, doesn't it? You know what it's going to be like because you're enduring it now.

"He says go then"

He either doesn't give a fuck either way or believes you won't go. That also says it all.

I think what you need now isn't a talking to, it's a plan. A concrete plan to get out of this miserable man's clutches.

As Ehric says, this is a poisonous dynamic which is damaging to all concerned. You need to change things without further delay. Whether that means getting someone to mind the boys and having a full and frank discussion with your husband or making a plan to get out. Do you have RL friends or family who will support you emotionally and practically?

I wonder what it was you confronted him about that has led to a 3 month sulk. Is this a new behaviour pattern or is it something you've seen before, even if it's not so severe? How would you normally resolve disputes or challenges? Was the relationship fine up to him being confronted or have there been other problems? Has anything changed?

I think you are going to have to call his bluff on the splitting up suggestion. Before you do, however, get some legal advice so that you can speak from a position of information and strength

When he says "He says go then" why not just say "no, I'm staying right here and if you don't like that, you go"

You have children. Only a complete selfish bastard would expect his wife to leave home with his two children. Get tough, get informed about your rights and get him out.

Sqeegle sons 14 and 15. Yes he has done it before 4 months last time. went to a solicitor but called of divorce when he said he was depressed. I ordered SAD lamp bought vitamins. They obviously didn't work. He manages to play golf once a week but other than that doesn't bother with anyone. I told him today I'm not going to hide the fact he doesn't speak to me from anyone anymore. On cue he jumped in the car and went out.

I suppose it's a self-diagnosis of depression... I'd still like to know what would lead to such an extreme reaction on not one but two occasions. I'd make another appointment with the solicitor, get the ball rolling and save your breath. If he still wants to ignore you at home... his loss.

Well, at least you've got the house to yourself for a bit. Relish it, because this could be how it's going to be from now on. Peaceful. Happy. Safe.

He's not depressed, he's just an arsehole

Good. Let him play his silly games.

Just ignore him. His drive and staying power for this are coming from the knowledge that he's pissing you off.

Just let life carry on around him. Talk to your kids, plan stuff, invite people round. If he wants to sit in the corner like a prat, let him. If he wants to storm off out in a strop, let him.

It's interesting that he got up and left when you stood up to him. Silly little childish bully that he is. He sounds pathetic!

"I'm torn between turning my sons lives upside down by going or having a life of misery by staying"

You're already enduring a life of misery by staying and this will not change. Your sons are suffering emotionally by seeing all this misery at being at home, its no sanctuary for them at all more like a warzone where one parent is cond.

How do you think they feel seeing you treated so appallingly?. Do you want them to think that this loveless marriage is normal, one for them to emulate as adults?.

Time to make firm plans to leave this awful abusive man and stick to said plans to boot.

I could have written this post earlier in the year (in fact I did under a different name) fore though it only took 3 weeks, no idea how you've managed to hold it together for 3 months!!

Only difference was I had decided to go and leave on my own. 2 ds similar ages to yours, talked to them and they supported me, they were upset of course but could see that things couldn't continue and we talked about the logistics of where I'd live so I would always be accessible to them.

But.... DH was shocked I'd taken things so far as to involve the kids, didn't want me to go and talked me round (again).

If it happens again tho he knows I'm off, can't say it's been perfect but when we have disagreed (so far) he's behaving like an adult.

No advice other than, if you want to leave, make plans and talk to your boys, it may surprise you they deal with it as things can't be pleasant for them now x

Like I said read all the sites and tried not to let it get me down. I f it wasn't for my two children I would be gone.

What sites are advising you to "Don't turn your children's lives upside. Just try not to let him get you down"?

I agree with others, you're talking stern enough to yourself. I think you need validation that you don't have to put up with this, your sons will benefit from learning an important lesson about relationships and boundaries and permission to change things. I hope you are getting that validation and permission.

Issue a divorce petition. You can both stay in the house (as we did) whilst the divorce and finances are sorted. Then you buy him out of his share of the house on a remortgage and he has to leave.

yougotafriend

Good on you. you were right not to leave it has long as I have. As you know hardest part telling children. I don't know if I want it to work now. I feel so hurt and don't know if I could feel the same about him.

yougotafriend

Good luck with your man. I hope he treats you right from now on. I am a big believer in "someone can only treat you bad if you let them", So why am I not strong enough to carry through my threats.

Because he has worn you down. Its Emotional Abuse. Get a plan and get out.

Humansatnav

Thank you, I agree. Thanks for supporting me. I'm on my knees at the moment. Just getting through a bottle of wine (very quickly). I am sure you will agree that everything seems worse at the time of the month. Give me a few days and I will be as strong as an ox and able to cope. He has gone on a bike ride now oblivious to supper being cooked, school uniforms to iron, dishes to wash. If I come back I am coming back as a man.

Sorry 1cheese, that you're going through this. Agree with the others that it's not cos you're weak, it's because he's worn you down. I had a man like this- he wore me down, he could sulk for days, and sometimes weeks. I would do anything to turn it round. He made me nervous, I kept it quiet, pretended to everyone it was ok. I do have some idea of how you're feeling.

In my opinion the thing to do is to look at this from an outsider's perspective. Is his behaviour reasonable.? Is this the behaviour of someone who loves you?

You need to get angry, work out how you are going to get out of this. It's ok to tell the kids the (age appropriate) truth, (mum didn't want to live with someone who didn't speak to her) children know much more than they let on. And don't be hard on yourself, you don't need to do it all at once, but you will find a plan helpful. It will put you back having some control of your life.

Good luck

Sorry, I didn't read your answer properly, your boys are quite grown up, they must know that things are not right, it's definitely worth talking to them here isn't it? They must find his behaviour rather incomprehensible, surely?

Thank you squeegle, you are really getting where I'm coming from. No his behaviour is not reasonable. How can a man come home from work, walk passed his wife without a word and go in lounge and watch telly. He frustrates me to the point that I want to smash his face in (I am not violent and wouldn't hurt a fly). I asked him if he got a kick out of not talking to me on Sunday. He just goes out in the car then bought himself a pair of shoes and came back and watched more tele. if that wasn't bad enough, I was up at 7 to give my son a lift, done 3 loads of washing cooked a roast dinner and he got out of bed at 12.15 Grrrrrrrr! He still says easier not to talk (he does not like confrontation) neither do I but you have to sort problems out. Anyway, I then left a text message telling him how I feel and said I will now move on and I didn't even get a reply and when I checked the message had been deleted. I know I need to leave but first I think I need some counselling to help me sort my head out. I think I still feel that loyalty that should be in a marriage.