How did a baby change your relationship?

[xxx28xxx]

Hi

Just after some advice really as I'm feeling a little down. I had a baby 3 months ago and generally as the weeks have gone on things have got easier since I've adjusted to being a mum. However my relationship with my dh is pretty hard at times.

I ended up cracking last night and screaming at him as I was so so tired. We seem to have classic roles, he goes to work and I look after the baby/house work. He is an amazing dad, helps lots with baby when at home and takes him in morning so I can sleep a little longer.

Depite this I still feel exhausted all the time and sometimes resent him as he gets to switch off after 5/6pm and I don't. Even when baby in bed I'm rushing round doing bottles for next day, tidying up, re settling baby when he wakes. By the time this is all done I just go to bed as I know I will be up at least once during night with lo.

I think it's clear that I think dh has it easier and he thinks I do and that we both feel different pressures, him to provide for us finacially and me to do everything at home.

Anyway after my tantrum last night he did baby's bottles and has taken him out for the day so I can rest but I can't, I'm just sitting here crying again.

I'm beginning to think I may be suffering from pnd and I'm seeing the dr this week so will be honest with how I feel. But in the meantime how do I get my relationship back on track and where do I find the energy to be a good mum and wife?

It added a lot of stress and (on my part) a bit of resentment. Before I went back to work I was jealous that my DP got to go to work because I saw it as a break from the constant needs of a newborn. Being extremely sleep deprived turned me into a bit of a cow.

My DP has always done his fair share of childcare though, before and after work, so I never had anything to complain about I still complained though

Now I'm back at work it's shifted to me complaining that I do more housework than him. He's so laid back he's almost horizontal and doesn't seem to "see" what needs doing unless I write a list.

It must be hard though, if your DP is coming home from work and not lifting a finger while you do the bedtime routine, night feeds etc. I think although he has the pressure of providing for the family, being at home in the childcare role is harder. It's like a never ending cycle of feeding/playing/housework that can grind you down.

Maybe while your DP is out with the baby you could put some music on, take a bath (it's what I do when I want "me" time) and when he comes back you can have a discussion about how you're feeling and what more he could do when he gets home from work/at weekends etc?

You both need to work together, you should be a team, it's not about who has it easier or who does the most. You both need to pull your weight in whatever way you both need to, to keep things running smoothly. If that means that some days you do most of the graft at home and with baby so he can relax after a stressful day at work, or that some days he does the bottles or cooks tea despite being at work all day so that you can rest and feel well, than that's what you have to do.

Try not to have defining roles, going out to work and feeling the pressure of being the only one providing is stressful, but so is everything you do to keep everything at home ticking along. If either of you can see the other struggling then try and take the load off in any small way you can.

I've been a SAHM and also the one going out to work when DD was only little and it's a bloody hard slog whatever one you have to do.

It's good that your going to see your GP 3 months is still very early days and it's a massive change to deal with.

Do you have RL support outside of your DP to help you out a bit?

Congratulations on your DC!

It's very easy to get into a routine of oneupmanship in terms of who is most tired, who has the harder role etc. As pp has said, teamwork is key, but having a huge life change can take a while to adjust to in order to get it right. My DH and I argued constantly after DC1, but we both learned some very important lessons along the way and it has been much easier with DC2 (also 3 months old) as a result.

How you communicate with each other is so important, so that you can avoid taking out your frustrations on each other. Neither one of you really understands each other's roles and day to day problems right now, so you both need to be able to talk and listen constructively and without any inferred or implied criticism of the other.

FWIW, your DH sounds lovely, and it seems like you both need some time to adjust to your new life. Keep talking to each other, preferably when you're not angry, and keep listening to each other. It gets easier and sooner than you might think.

In terms of resolving your evening problem can DH get involved with bedtime? I insisted that my DH did bath time whenever he was home, not just so it was one less job for me, but also so he could bond every day. Dc1 still loves bath time and is a total daddy's girl, it's wonderful to see.

Also do you have anyone who can have DC for a few hours so you and DH can spend some time together alone? For me life seems so much easier once I feel like me again, rather than a milk producing/nappy changing machine, so an occasional lunch/dinner out with DH is so so important.

It's bloody hard! For me the first 6 months were just something I had to get through, the sleep deprivation is just torture! I had PND and PTSD which adds pressure but we got through it in spite of a few years of medication, counselling etc.
As others have said you should be a team and try not to have defined roles. I used to count down to 5pm when I could hand the baby over and have a break-even just for a nice bath or nap. In our house the childcare and cleaning is very much 50/50 and this was the case even when I was on mat leave. You are not superwoman and having a baby is overwhelming enough without having to do all the cooking, cleaning etc.)
Don't put too much pressure on yourself to be a 'good wife and mother', you are doing a fantastic job! When baby is a bit older and sleeping a bit longer at night and you feel more human, you can make time for each other-even if it's just a snuggle whilst watching a DVD.
The baby days seem like they will last forever, but they really don't.
I am due another in October and dreading those first few months (especially with the history of PND)-but I know we will be fine as I have a supportive husband and the hard times are over in a flash. x

If you can, try and remember that you and your husband are friends. As others have said, if anyone can take the baby for a few hours maybe you can just snuggle together on the sofa, or even go out.

Does your husband understand that what you are going through is absolutely typical and normal? that will help too - just knowing that things will get better.

The first 6 months out relationship was worse. Lots of arguing, I resented being on my own so much but he had no choice but to work. I was so tired and he slept through, but again because he had to work.

Now (13 months since birth) our relationship is stronger than it was before. We know our parts to play now, have managed to get the balance right and are both supportive of eachother.

It takes time to figure it all out, and it can be really tough.

Hi all

Thanks so much for replying, it's reassuring to hear others experiences!

I completely agree about working as a team and not trying to "out do" each other on the tiredness stakes. My dh really goes help a lot which I am grateful for but I think I need to communicate with him more about what specific help I need, I need to remember he isn't a mind reader!

I'm v fortunate to have family local who help out a lot and when I see them I take advantage and nap/hand the baby over for a good few hrs. But it still doesn't ever feel like I remotely catch up, maybe I just need to accept that it won't for a long time.

My lo is a very placid and easy baby which makes me feel even worse for moaning about finding things so hard! However when I look back at how things were 3,4,5 weeks ago I can already see how far we have all come as a family. I will continue to focus on this when feeling down.

I will also keep excersising even when tired as I think it lifts my mood and gives me so me time.

Anyway had a massive chat with dh earlier and we both seem to feel the exact same way which shows we both need to be kinder to each other more. I'm just going to take it one day at a time and stop pushing myself and him for perfection :)

Thanks again for some insight, it really does help to know we are "normal" for want of a better word x