dilemma over how to proceed. new partner after husband left, son at school, distance relationship et al.

[loveyourtigerfeet]

Hi
Typing on phone, so apologise for errors in advance.

Last year, Husband left me after 20 years for another woman.

I have one ds 12, with asd , who stared secondary school last year. He is in a special unit for kids with asd. He is extremely lucky to get a placement there as he cannot cope with regular school. ( tried to commit suicide when 10).
Subsequently, I have met another man, he is totally accepting of my son and they get on extremely well.
We have been seeing each other on weekends since February and have fallen in love. There is an age gap, I am 48 he is 56. He has 3 adult kids ; two live at home, and 2 grandkids. My son gets on with them all and vice versa.
Son does not like his dad. Husband made no effort to bond with son and couldn't cope with the autistic behaviours. This is a story in itself.

Anyway, ds and I have just spent a lovely 4 weeks staying at new partners house and it's all gone swimmingly. The families have blended and it couldn't be nicer.

Partners house is 35 miles from mine.

I am looking to the future and wondering how this will pan out.

We are both separated but no divorces on cards due to lack of fund, both our separated spouses have interests in our properties so we can't sell and move without financial settlements and/or divorces.

Son would have to move school and he is settled and despite having a statement of special needs, there is no guarantee he would get a suitable placement. This over rides my willingness to relocate and start again.

Ideally I would wait the four years til ds finishes school and just drive back and forth at weekends but 4 years seems such a long time.

My new partner works hard despite having significant health issues but cannot think of retirement due to financial commitment to supporting adult stay at home kids. 1 works but pays no keep, other can't get a job.

But their financial arrangements are their business. Basically he pays everything so his daughter (27) can save deposit for house.

I am also going through menopause and just started hrt and have been a bit haywire emotionally, so words of advice gratefully received.

There is a lot more to the circumstances about ex but probably not that relevant to dilemma. Feel free to ask further details if you think it pertinent.

Not sure what you mean about proceeding ? Do you mean you want to move in together but can't see how this can happen ?

Personally a man in my life 35 miles away who I only saw at weekends would be perfect but that's me !

I can't see anything other than the status quo. Perhaps you and your partner should talk about options for when your son leaves secondary school and hopefully finances are better?

Congrats on your new relationship, it sounds like a really nice supportive one. It sounds like DS has to be no. 1 priority, so if he's ok and happy at school, I wouldn't consider moving. What about new P, would it be too far for him to move in, but to keep his house for his daughter etc.

I would keep things as they are. Your son's needs override any wish to move at the moment. Also you really don't know this man well enough if you only met in February.
The only thing I would consider is getting your own divorce if possible as being married will always impact on your future decisions.

I'd just stay as you are to be honest. There's nothing that say anything has to change. You yourself say you want to wait 4 years.

If you do want to move in together then go and see a solicitor and talk through what might happen financially and how it would effect financial outcomes. It may be best for you to both divorce and pay off the exes and buy somewhere together.

Mind you; there's no rush is there? Can you carry on as you are, and just see how it goes, it's only been 6 months after all.....

Sorry. Yes we do want to move in together but worry about my ds and school.
I am concerned that partner will die before then and we will never get that far.
He has already been resuscitated once. Heart stopped in surgery. So 'borrrowed time' comes to mind.

And he can't divorce, sell up and move because??? Or just move in with you...

Anyway - 35 miles really is not much. I worked for 4 years 45 miles from home; you get used to it. You don't have to live in the same house to be in a successful relationship and I'd suggest both sorting out divorces first to be honest.

I think your son's schooling takes priority over a possible move in together.

I can appreciate that while you do not live together, the financial arrangement between your bf and his children is not your concern. However, if you do move in together, whenever that may be, it will become your concern.

I think it's great that you have met someone else and your ds likes him. But it's still early days. Perhaps it would be wise to start having conversations about divorce proceedings for both of you. Plus the long term plan for both his adult dc.

It's very early days really to be moving in together. You're very much in the honeymoon period right now, I'd give it a bit longer. I know you obviously love him but you could end up being a carer to him as well as to your son and then it would be harder to just walk away if you wanted to if you live together.

*if you did live together

Not sure what you are asking? None of us can predict the future. Surely the most important thing is that your son is settled in a suitable school so why risk losing that place? His education and stability are paramount. Sounds like your bloke has more than enough on his plate without you two joining his list of people he would have financial responsibility for so moving in with him would be crazy.
Just try and enjoy what you have. You can talk on phone, Skype etc to stay in touch and see each other when you can. I really can't see what other choice you have unless you tear your son away from his school and all the chaos that could cause. It's pointless trying to set any major long term plans in stone. Life has a way of throwing things in the mix which often changes the course of our life. Just take each day as it comes, not much more you can do and not a lot any of us can say really.

He is self employed. All his business is in his local area. It has taken him years of hard work to get his clients so would be difficult to start again.

My ex is very controlling. He spies on me, even now, although this has been decreasing recently.

He dislikes anyone staying at marital home and frequently drives past to see if any strange cars outside.
He doesn't pay child support as he has no spare money but he pays £120 month mortgage on marital home as he took out a mortgage on it to buy himself a bachelor pad.
I do not like to rock the boat with him as things are tense.

Yes, yes. You are all right. Son comes first.
I just had a sleepless night worrying about it all and needed a sounding board.
Thank you.
I think after being in a controlling marriage for 20 years it's difficult for me to deal with flux and decisions.

Thank you all.

Good luck Tigerfeet, go with the flow, sorry about your ex, he sounds a pain, glad he's your ex.

Have you had proper legal advice regarding your ex? Personally I'd go to csa. He clearly has some money. He should be paying maintenance. And if he is on the mortgage he is liable to pay his half. He can't hold you over a barrel because you're seeing someone. That's illegal and unfair.

I wouldn't move in with this man without a massive amount of talk about the what ifs.

If he is willingly working himself into the ground to provide for 3 adults who don't pay their way at all including a not far off 30 year old then you would need to make sure you are watertight if he dies.

If that happens sooner rather than later all the upheaval for your DS would have been stupid.

Horrible as it is I would stay where you are and see if he is still lumbered with 30 year old dependents when your sons schooling is over.

You have also only been seeing him since Feb. Too soon in my opinion to move your DS in with him.