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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i will stay

27 replies

Loandbehold · 31/08/2014 00:09

I don't love my husband but have two kids so feel I can never leave cause I don't want to damage my kids. I'm prepared to be in this for the long game for my kids but don'tlove himm. Anyone else?j.

OP posts:
HeySoulSister · 31/08/2014 00:12

No

I have too much respect for myself and my children

Yours will 'know'. It's no model for them to learn from is it? They may also feel guilty. Damaging your dc isn't the way forward. I'd actually call it selfish

pieceofpurplesky · 31/08/2014 00:15

What is it that you don't love? Could you reconnect?

Coughle · 31/08/2014 00:18

Why would leaving damage your kids?

Your choice is your own of course, just interested in what particular ways you think they'd be damaged?

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 31/08/2014 00:21

Well you will damage them because they will learn to stay in unhappy relationships.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 31/08/2014 00:23

I wish my mum had just got on and left my dad when we were kids but 30 yeas on she's on the cusp of doing it and tbh it's much harder and messier to deal with.

FunkyBoldRibena · 31/08/2014 07:54

They have this thing now, called 'divorce'. It means if you are not happy in a marriage, you can get out and yet still have a happy life.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2014 07:57

Loandbehold

All that will do is teach your children that a loveless marriage is their normal, that their life is based on a lie and all that will damage them far more than divorcing. Is that what you want to teach them about relationships, they will also not thank you for staying together and will wonder of you in particular why you put him before them. If you were to say to them, "well I stayed because of you" they will call you daft for doing so. Would you expect them to say thanks?. They will dislike their dad as well but particular scorn will be reserved for you if you were to remain within this.

You have your own (perhaps even selfish) reasons for currently not leaving; look at those instead of using the children as a reason to stay.

Reconsider that poor decision of yours, you cannot burden a child with a choice that YOU made.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/08/2014 08:21

It's fairly well established that what damages children is not whether parents are together or apart but the quality of the relationship the parents have and the environment they grow up in as a result. If you don't love your DH but you are still capable of exhibiting happy and pleasant behaviour towards each other then you might get away with it. But if you are openly hostile, resentful or there is ill-feeling on a daily basis, your children are already suffering.

wasbumpers · 31/08/2014 09:15

I am in exactly the same position and am afraid of the fall out - whether I stay or go. Too hard to decide so treading water will do for now.

MorrisZapp · 31/08/2014 09:23

This contrasts starkly with advice given on threads about infidelity. On those threads, children's lives are ruined by having their father live apart from them. The family is referred to as broken.

I agree with the advice given here, but I think there's more to it. Perhaps op really likes her home, her shared social life with dh etc. I can see very well why people stay in safe but unsatisfying relationships, in fact I dare say it's extremely common.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/08/2014 09:23

Staying 'for the children'
What a horrible burden to put on them.
You sacrificing your happiness is not showing them anything other than they don't need to be happy. They put up and shut up. Nice lesson

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 31/08/2014 09:33

I'm sorry it has come to this. But I too think if your children see grow up seeing you accepting your life despite being unhappy, what example does that set them? Looking further ahead when they are adult and have families of their own, what advice would you give them if they found themselves in a similar situation? Wouldn't you want them to be happy?

Did your parents have this kind of marriage?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/08/2014 09:33

" On those threads, children's lives are ruined by having their father live apart from them"

What ruins children's lives is not the 'apart' aspect but things like being let down over visits, hostility/badmouthing between parents, being expected to accept the 'OW' or 'OM' too quickly, being pumped for information .... basically not having their feelings taken into account.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 31/08/2014 09:39

It may seem doable if there's no open warfare or simmering hostility. Maybe as pieceofpurplesky said, you could see an improvement, perhaps part of you hopes you and your husband will get closer again? How is he, do you think he's going to be satisfied to plod along?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2014 09:44

Problem is the children can pick up on the fact that their parents are deeply unhappy with each other or that one parent has embarked on a private war with the other parent. Children can often too blame themselves for their parents problems. Teaching them that a loveless marriage is the "norm" is no legacy to be leaving such young people because they are more likely to replicate that self same pattern themselves in adulthood.

And what Cogito wrote in her 9.33 post.

EarthWindFire · 31/08/2014 10:20

Don't do it. My DP and his ex wife did this. Ended in a very acrimonious divorce spanning years.

CheeseToastie123 · 31/08/2014 10:48

For a while, I was one of the children being stayed for. My Mum couldn't maintain it, and left. Best thing she did. Really.

pieceofpurplesky · 31/08/2014 20:48

I am on the opposite side. DH left me six months ago as he had fallen out of love with me. We had a really tough year with miscarriage, bereavement and illness and drifted apart. Sadly he didn't talk and upped and left - I thought we would be together forever and am devastated and can't see a way out. DS has taken it really badly as it was such a shock. It has impacted on his friendships and education. DH lives in a room at a mates house and has been ill with panic attacks etc. Nobody is any happier and we have hurt each other with words because we didn't communicate. All I am saying is talk to your H and see if there is a solution, don't be unhappy but for all concerned make sure it is what you want - the grass isn't greener or easier. What is your life like now? Be prepared for friends to take sides and change! He still gets invited out to things and I don't - the women always have single friends with them they want to fix up with him! Bugs me - I know I pulled way out if my league looks wise with him, but personality we were so connected. So OP talk to him. If he is a good man and you loved him once can you love him again?

flanjabelle · 31/08/2014 20:59

They did a study recently on children's happiness. They found that children are no less happy to be in a single parent family, but they are significantly less happy in a family where the parents are not happy.

You need to do what makes you happy, so that you can be the happy mum your children need.

You also need to teach your children about relationships. You are the main role models they have. You could teach them that they have to put up with a miserable relationship.

Imo the important thing is showing your children how to be strong and happy alone, if you can't role model a happy relationship right now.

Piece, your opinion is just as valid as anyone else on this thread, but your situation was different. You were still very much in love with your h, the op isn't.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 31/08/2014 21:00

My parents did this. It fucked me up big time.

Vitalstatistix · 31/08/2014 21:01

It's not nice to grow up knowing, feeling or fearing that you are the reason your parents are miserable.
Apparently marrying my dad ruined my mum's life and she wishes she'd never met him.
You can imagine how cherished i feel.
I would have prefered two seperated happy parents than two people sharing a roof who hate each other.

Nobody in the world is a good enough actor to live a lie for years.

What happens if one or both of you want love and intimacy in your lives?

Joysmum · 31/08/2014 21:02

As the child of a marriage that continued because my mum stayed for my sake, I'd not recommend it. It wasn't the best for me despite it not being an abusive marriage and my parents getting on ok enough. My parents should have splits years before. I settled for ok in my own relationships because I thought it was normal.

Vitalstatistix · 31/08/2014 21:13

That's true. I'm not sure i know what love looks like.
I settled for 'asked me'

pieceofpurplesky · 31/08/2014 23:34

I know she is not in love but in a marriage sometimes things get in the way of 'in love' and we forget what is great about being together - I am just saying she should talk to him first, to see if there is any way it can be sorted for all of them. My situation is different and there are now three very fucked up people that didn't need to be .. DH just quit rather than trying to sort out the problem ( and it had been a really really bad time). He admits now he should have talked to me but we ended up being horrible to each other ... We lost something amazing because we let life get in the way. I wonder OP were you ever in live with him?

GiniCooper · 31/08/2014 23:41

Why are you staying in a marriage where you don't want to be?

You're opening title is I will stay.
What are you staying for?

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