annoyed

[ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA]

A female colleague of my dh also works in a pub we often go to at wkends. Twice now she has ignored me and hovered over him and flirted in front of my child too. I am very upset to be ignored twice so i went to pay and made a point of speaking to her again introducing myself as his wife. She avoided eye contact and muttered and walked off so i am so pissed off she has done this that i feel like writing to the pub and complaining. However what concerns me is that dh told me to grow up and did not see her behaviour towards me. Am i in the right to be so cross???

Hmmm without actually being a fly on the wall it's a bit difficult to comment really. Are you sure she was being flirty? What made you think she was? If she deliberately ignored you that's one thing but if she just overlooked you because she knew your dh (and not you) I don't think that's particularly rude. I think it's a bit odd that you'd make a point of introducing yourself as his wife at the bar - it's quite confrontational.

You can't write and complain to the pub just because she talked to your dh and not to you. ... !

You do sound a bit like you're looking for a fight. So what if she fancies him? As long as he's not flirting back, there's no issue. Maybe change pub.

Write to the pub? To say what?

Besides, she might not do it again now that you have made a point of introducing yourself. Even though she was embarassed and rude at the time, that might have been enough to stop it.

Very right to be cross! Writing to the pub wouldn't be worth it though unless your DH were to complain that a member of staff came on to him but that ain't happening!

I'm sure she was flirting, unless you have form for paranoid jealousy, but it happens all the time so, unless DH is flirting back, I would let it go.

Actually, I have a nasty feeling you scared her

thanks for your responses. I do have low self esteem and feel this week I have had a total mood crash due to medication, but also he doesn't make much of an effort to make me feel wanted which is why I do feel like this in situations. He just went pink and briefly spoke back - he wasn't flirting but I think he was liking the attention.
I was trying to make conversation with them but she was totally blanking me - and looking in his eyes as she was speaking to him. So I thought what is she like with him at work then!!

I would take a step back and try not to worry about it. Maybe she was just been overly friendly because she knew your dh, the response you got from her when you introduced yourself maybe the way she is with other customers I know theres some pretty rude bar staff at our local

I think you've probably handled it already, tbh- it sounds like she feels rumbled (if she really was flirting, but I've got no reason to disbelieve your impression).

thanks. I feel I handled it well, my dh however, felt I was rude, that it's my problem and we had a big row about it last night. He got quite defensive which got my back up more for sticking up for that woman.
I am sat here sobbing my eye out this morning because I have had enough of having to deal with the fact I am fucking starved from affection from him and living with someone who is emotionally reserved is bloody hard work. Everything I do if I change my hair change, my clothes, do a new project nothing gets his attention and it's starting to make me feel like a needy wife.And I am not, he says everything is my problem and he isn't going to help me get through it.
I feel that maybe he does flirt with her at work if he has got defensive and defending her and telling me I was rude and obnoxious. I feel I am an embarrassment to him and I don't know where to go from here.

I think you have a lot more to worry about than this incident.
Are you having counselling or therapy for yourself?
Living in a relationship where you don't feel loved must be awful.
This woman is the least if your problems.
So sorry you are feeling like this.

Completely agree with hellsbells.

I think the woman is a bit of a red herring to be honest. She knew your dh. She was a bit rude in not engaging you in the conversation but many people wouldn't consider that abnormal, they would just brush it off. I think confronting her at the bar was way over the top and if my dh did that to someone I worked with I would be hugely embarrassed. Sorry.

Having said all that your marriage doesn't sound very good in terms of affection. What does you dh say if you speak to him about it?

I agree that there are deeper problems. No one should have to live feeling unloved and needing affection.

I think your instincts are right and she does flirt with your DH in the workplace or at least have a relationship with him that she wants to be more than businesslike. It's not normal for a work colleague to blank the partner of their workmate.

I think you would need to look at your marriage and try to do something about your lack of self esteem. Do you work? A good job is the best way to make you feel good about yourself if your marriage isn't doing this for you.

I am going to go to the dr's next week and request counselling. I then will be able to tell from that if it is me or him.
I don't work due to on going illness - I would be employable but all my appointments would make me unemployable because there are so many of them.
thanks for agreeing I can trust my instants. She definitely fancied him, I have read on here before that colleagues ignoring the wife means something.
I didn't like her one bit from the moment I saw her the first time. I think I would have done even if I didn't feel insecure.

The fact the he took his family to that pub - knowing she works there - would reassure me. He wouldn't do that if he had anything to hide, surely?

well that's true sugary. But I am not allowed to go there with him again because of what happened yesterday. Apparaently

But I am not allowed to go there with him again because of what happened yesterday

Oh that's not on.

Did you raise your voice or create a scene? If not, he is being unreasonable and making things worse by fuelling your concerns and implying that you have embarassed him. Did he say as much?

Don't get sidetracked by what happened in the pub. She may or may not be significant. Don't waste your time contacting the pub.

When did things get stale between you and your H? Sounds like he put more energy into being embarrassed or cross with you over this colleague working a second job and blanking you than he normally does in your married life.

If you're still annoyed, personally I think sometimes anger, rightly expressed, can help bring about positive change. Make sure you know what you're most annoyed about. Then harness it.

Without showing him this thread could you find a quiet time to talk calmly without mentioning the pub incident and explain what you have told us? Namely that whereas marriage should be a two way process, you feel he is unresponsive and you're getting nothing back in terms of interest/support/warmth. Be prepared, he might have some things to say on the matter too. Be willing to see what there is about you that might have contributed. But it's not fair that he should recognise there are issues but then sit back and do nothing to help sort things out.

I just can't accept my illness and feel threatened by other women particularly his female colleagues they are attractive and intelligent. I try to engage with him about things but all i get is shrugs and mmms and rrs like a teenager but with others he's completely different and it makes me angry. :(

Also realised that this could be why i possibly behave like yesterday - have people benefitted from counselling i am so tired of fighting these thoughts and still not being able to change the pattern of my behaviour

From the sounds of it, counselling would benefit you hugely.
I hope you get to the docs today to get something sorted out.