Developing different life goals

[Itsjustmeagain]

My dh have been together since we were 15, we are now 31. We have always had similar ambitions and goals for the future but in the last year or two they have started to wildly differ to the point where I think we both actually want something the opposite to the other. Without going in to too much long boring detail dh has grown to be all about making our business bigger, working long hours (more than he needs to) and he has dreams of buying a big house etc I have really want to downsize and just spend more time NOT at work and with family. At the moment I see dh for only an hour or so a day - he leaves the house at 7am and comes home at about 10-11pm to me this is no kind of life.

We have tried talking about it but the more we talk the more it becomes clear that the problem is we have just developed totally different views of how we see our future! we have really good relationship (when we see each other!) and we have 5 children its just that we want totally different things.

How can we reconcile this when what we each want is literally the opposite of the other?

It's not easy (we have 5 children but in our case we both wanted the big house, private schools, money saved up and hard work we adore so there was no difference in aims).

There are lots of ways to compromise . If he is going to work all the timke for the next 10 years he might be happy to have an open marriage so you can have friends on the side as it were who have time for you or he might be happy you work a bit less as long as he can keep the extra money he makes after deducting I suppose the childcare costs for the extra childcare you do or whatever whilst you do less work.
Or may be he moves to a flat in the City for work during the week and has a weekend marriage?

Your DH presumably wanted the 5 children?

Doesn't he think he owes it to them and you to actually participate in family life not hide out 'working'?

How can we reconcile this when what we each want is literally the opposite of the other?

Maybe you can't.

How much have you talked about it?

Green - I think DH would have a fit if I suggested either of those things!
Latte- yes we planned the children together (dh is from a large family) in fact he seems to think that another one may be in our plan although when we would actually conceive it I don't know!.

I have tried talking to him about it but it comes down to the fact that he thinks the best thing to do for the family is work at the company to make it bigger, so financially secure it which obviously is important but I worry that in 20 years we will have this wonderfully successful company but in the mean time will have missed our children's childhoods in order to get it.

Arsenic we have talked about it on and off increasingly over the last year, it always ends in him saying "I think this next year will be better" which is really hard to actually argue with without sounding really nasty (which I dont want)

So is what you want him to work less or just that you work less and be with your children? They are two different aims. If he would be happy with you working less hard but not himself be home much more that is one compromise.

Green - he doesnt care how much I work, he has loved the periods of time where I have been a SAHM but it is always on my own, all the time. SO I have been home the whole summer holidays but I have only seen him for an hour a day 4 days a week because he ends up sleeping at the office at least one day each week. I LIKE both of us working but I would like HIM to actually work some sort of normal working day.

If we downsized the business (got rid of a couple of people) we could do that but he wants to increase will will increase stress and working hours - this is the major issue.

Is he serious ????? !!!!!

So you're both in your early 30's? Not old exactly, but there is a health issue here:

Expanding the business means more stress. More stress on him, (possible heart attack), and more stress on you too, as you'll see him even less.

And the stress of moving into a bigger house: more cleaning for you.

Have you spoke to him about the possible health implications?

What's your end game? How long are you prepared to put up with it? Are you prepared to split over it?

He's not really listening is he?

13 - I have asked him to consider the fact that he will make himself ill working that much but he is one of these people who thinks it will never happen to him!.

Arsenicy - to be totally and completely honest I have no end game and I cant imagine ever splitting with him but I dont know what I will do after another few years of this.

When you talk to him what does he say when you tell him he actually needs to be at home, to be a parent to his children? To be a husband to you? You married a man not a business. The children were brought into this world by two parents who chose to have them. They deserve to have the attention of both of those parents - for their Dad to act like he wanted them, to act like he enjoys being with them, to be present in their lives. Someone has to make him see that being a DAD is more than being a father providing for them and being a husband is more than bringing home the bacon.

You might be able to talk yourself into 'another few years of this' but your children wont ever have those years back. It's not about what HE is missing out on because he is choosing this, it is about what THEY are missing out on :( (and you of course )

Actually I can see where your DH might be coming from. 5 children is a lot and I'm assuming going by your ages that you haven't, or might only be starting to, hit the teenage years with your kids. They get more and more expensive so perhaps (subconsciously?) your DH is thinking ahead and wondering how you're going to support your kids when they want to go off to uni or college or whatever. You say that you could get by with less though, so maybe the answer is to sit down together and talk about, say, a 3-year plan where you build up the business so that you have a decent cushion for your future? Or building up the business over the next couple of years with the aim of selling so that again you have your financial cushion and you get to spend more family time together. I think you need to firmly tell him there needs to be an endpoint and timescale for it though. Apologies, this is all conjecture but I can sort of see his thinking as well.

The thing is it is not a problem if you are both happy with it - either not working much or both working hard or one working a lot and the other not. The insoluable issue here is she wants him to work less. I would not agree to working less for anyone (I support 5 or did support 5 children alone).

So my suggestions that he lets her take a lover or has a platonic close friend for the companionship she is missing seem the only options other than her tolerating not having him around very much at all. It may need to be laid out to him though very clearly - if you do not spend most of the weekends with me and 2 hours every night then I will be divorcing you. Are you going to choose me or the business?

I think ideas like taking lovers rather miss the point. This is about two people growing apart and wanting different things out of life. On the face of it, it's a ridiculously easy gap to bridge ie spending more time as a family. I can't particularly imagine what kind of business requires the hours mentioned or overnighters at an office .... seems like poor time management or a deliberate ruse to avoid having to engage domestically.

I think what he lacks is motivation and what's missing from the equation are the consequences of carrying on as he is currently doing. If the relationship is under threat, you have to tell him OP