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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you be hurt if DH said he would rather drink than share a bed with you?

17 replies

airforsharon · 30/08/2014 17:35

I guess that's my question in the title really.....There is quite a bit of background to this, but this particular thing has stuck in my mind and i'd just like to ask if i'm making too much of it. I'll explain as briefly as i can.

DH drinks, regularly (at that time it was 6 nights a week) and heavily enough - not to falling over drunk, but mildly squiffy - that he would snore a great deal. It impacted greatly on my sleep. We have 3 young dcs, and he caused me to miss more sleep than they did. During one 'discussion' about it, i said if he couldn't at least cut back/have a few nights off a week he'd have to sleep in the front room. He said fine, he would rather do that.

I almost wanted to put this in AIBU because i'm suppose i'm asking if i am BU to be hurt by this? If it was a once in while thing, it wouldn't bother me at all, but several nights a week?

OP posts:

Iconfuseus · 30/08/2014 17:38

I would be hurt and worried.

Not being able to give up alcohol, or even cut back, even for a few nights a week sounds very worrying to me.

I'd be looking at getting some help through this if I were you. Perhaps contact Al-Anon which supports people with family members with problematic drinking?

Sorry you are going through this.

Vivacia · 30/08/2014 17:41

An alcoholic will always choose the drink over his family.

Vivacia · 30/08/2014 17:42

(Sorry, I meant so long as he remains in the denial phase. I didn't mean somebody who has acknowledged they are an addict and is seeking help and abstaining).

meringue33 · 30/08/2014 17:42

Sounds like he has a problem
Contact Al Anon

Smartiepants79 · 30/08/2014 17:43

Drinking 6 nights a week is excessive. Being unable or unwilling to cut down even when it has a very negative impact on his relationships is worrying.
My Dh has a similar reaction to alcohol so on the occasions when he has had too much we have agreed he sleeps elsewhere.
This only happens once every 3/4 weeks.
I think another chat is in order.

Original poster

airforsharon · 30/08/2014 17:44

Hi Icon

thankyou. He has subsequently cut down, just drinks Fri-Sun, but it took probably 3 years of it being a major problem to get to that. He's managed it now for several months, which makes me angry because i feel that he could've managed it then. I was very concerned for a long time that he was alcohol dependant. But instead he put me (and indirectly the dcs) through quite a lot. He's attitude has always been that I have the problem with his drinking, not him.

OP posts:

BeforeAndAfter · 30/08/2014 17:47

You need to research alcoholism. To my mind what he said was a symptom of his need of booze rather than any rejection of you. If you're sceptical about alcoholism think about the DC and the example he's setting on them.

Original poster

airforsharon · 30/08/2014 17:48

viva I have (in the past, not recently) asked him to see the GP (who is lovely) but he always refused.

smartie yes, once every few weeks after a night out i think i would have no trouble with.

This has been such a consuming problem for so long, i have wondered if my thinking is skewed and i'm just oversensitive about it.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/08/2014 17:50

I would concur with the other respondent and would suggest you start talking to Al-anon or at the very least read their literature.

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to remember:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

These last two truisms are very hard to accept.

Do you yourself think he is actually an alcoholic?. What is the longest period of time to your own knowledge has he gone without alcohol?.

You put this in the right section; this is a relationship issue anyway than an AIBU one.

Do you feel responsible for him and or his drinking?.

You've likely discussed his drinking more than once as well. Asking him to cut back would have been a wasted effort anyway because the will to do so has to come from him. Also trying to bargain with him as you have done is also a wasted effort; you cannot and must not police his drinking or make such bargains. If he is an alcoholic he should not be drinking alcohol at all.

He has to be the one to address his issues with drink and he has no will to do so. Also you are there doing your own bit to prop him up. How many times have you yourself made excuses for him or covered for him to others in your social circle?.

His drinking will also affect how your children behave as well; they are learning about relationships from the two of you and will react to all this. You cannot fully protect them here from the realities of any drink problem he has.

Vivacia · 30/08/2014 17:51

viva I have (in the past, not recently) asked him to see the GP (who is lovely) but he always refused.

He would deny he has a problem because he doesn't want to change. The drink will come first.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/08/2014 17:56

"He's attitude has always been that I have the problem with his drinking, not him".

That is typical of what an alcoholic would say. Its always the other person's fault, never his. You are not allowed to fail in his eyes but he can.

The above and his refusal to go to the GP re his drinking are red flags and this will not get any better for you and your children now. You will just lurch from one crisis to another.

Your thinking is not skewed and no you are not being oversensitive (another charged often levelled by the alcoholic towards the spouse or husband).

His primary relationship is with drink and his next thought is about where the next drink is going to come from. Again, if he has a drink dependency he should not be drinking alcohol at all.

Do not let yourself and by turn your children be dragged down by him any longer. They see and hear far more than you perhaps care to realise regardless of the age they are.

Bowlersarm · 30/08/2014 18:03

But he's cut down. Like you wanted him to. Why is it a problem now? Shouldn't you pleased he doesn't drink as much?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 30/08/2014 18:08

I wouldn't be hurt, I'd be absolutely bloody furious and packing up his shit at the same time.

Squeegle · 30/08/2014 18:09

You are in no way over sensitive. Quite the reverse. He has a problem and is trying to make you feel bad for mentioning it.

Original poster

airforsharon · 30/08/2014 18:12

Attila thanks, I will read your posts more carefully shortly, just off to do dcs bedtime.

Bowlersarm that's a reasonable question - it's because it has been a long term problem and has adversely affected out relationship, how I feel about him and no doubt how he feels about me. He has previously promised to cut back, and has with varying degrees of success, but it has always crept back up again. It has left me tires, edgy - I feel like i'm on eggshells sometimes. When he was drinking every (or almost every) his temper during the day could be awful.

So in a nutshell, it's because at this point I don't know if I believe he will be able to stay with his just Fri-Sun routine. I am pleased, but i don't trust. He has drunk routinely almost daily for many years - it became a real problem (for me at least) when the dcs came along.

OP posts:

Original poster

airforsharon · 30/08/2014 18:13

sorry, left me tired

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 30/08/2014 18:19

Fair enough. I can see why you might not believe his intentions to stay moderate, and not trust him. Give him a chance? If he can't keep it up now, rethink your future together.

People can change. If they want to. He may or may not.

Flip