How can I handle my concerns about MIL as Childcare provider but be sensitive to the rest of the inlaws?

[dottytablecloth]

What started out as anger over the last 20 months has turned to compassion and sympathy that there may be something wrong with my MIL.

She and I had a previously great relationship- we really enjoyed spending occasional time together, chats, glass of wine, coffee, that sort of thing.

She is early 70's now and my dh was her last child and we waited a long time before having our own children.

To cut a very long story short MIL provide us with Childcare for 2 days per month but it's not working.

In the early days I saw many of the litany of things she was doing as deliberate undermining but now I suspect there may be something more wrong. I'm not a doctor but I just don't think MIL is 'herself'.

I don't want to list my exact reasons here but I am concerned about some of the things that she is doing. There have been many things that she has done that I can't understand and upset me at the time, but as I say, now I'm starting to wonder if she is ill.

I can't fathom why a previously sensible person would do the things she does (I probably wouldn't have thought much of it but I do as she looks after my son).

Some minor examples include, not using meals that I've left for dc, cooking her own for him, giving him a bottle that is too hot, going for walks and being away for hours, even when it's dark and ds should be having tea and getting ready for bed, leaving ds in a room with all his outdoor clothes on to sleep with the heat on (he woke up sweating and IMHO slightly delirious).

I have another baby on the way and I just don't feel happy that she is able to care for a young child and a baby but I don't know how to handle it.

My nursery can't only take dc1 4 days a week, hence the reason why I don't have him in FT daycare.

Sorry if this is rambling.

Find another nursery or get a childminder, if there any ill feeling them it's really not worth the saving, you will fall out - eventually

There could be physiological reasons for her not behaving as you'd expect, yes. Have you spoken to your DH and understanding siblings? this is obviously a delicate subject!

It does sound like you need to find another nursery or childminder. But you're obviously quite fond of your MIL underneath everything. Is there anyone you could raise your concerns with on the quiet?

It's not fair on either her or your son to continue as you are - imagine if something happened that you knew was down to her not being quite 'right' at the moment. Not only would you feel terrible, so would she - it's not right to let her take the risk of being responsible for a young child.
Just say that you've sorted out x or y for childcare now, but make sure you still get in plenty of visits to her just because she is family. That way she still gets to spend time with you and with DS, but you don't have to worry as she is not 'in charge'.

You can always say something vague about changing things because of the new baby being on the way.

If the rest of the family are funny about it - is that what you mean about the rest of the inlaws? - then just say you've been a bit worried about her and don't want her to have the extra worry of childcare on top of not feeling quite herself at the moment. If nobody else has noticed anything, that's your chance to point out these sorts of things.