Please help me. Desperate today.

[siblue]

I am not sure anything anyone can say here can help me but I feel like giving up today and have no idea how to continue.

My partner who I was just about to marry ran off after we'd moved to a new country. He left me with my child (not his but had been his stepdad for 6 years so in my son's eyes his real Dad) and the whole thing happened from start to finish in the space of 10 minutes.

He didn't leave an explanation at the time (just over a year ago) but I ploughed the internet endlessly and the behavior matched roughly the "mid life crisis script" - only exception is no other woman ever appeared. Aside from that it had it all...rewriting history....illogical reasons given....completely changing personality suddenly...being cruel...blaming me. He ticked every box.

I read the book "Runaway Husbands" and it was exactly, word for word what I experienced.

At the time it was a shock because all was tickety boo as far as I knew and we'd only just moved a few weeks ago for a new life. It would be easier if we had been having problems but there were none I knew of. If anything he was a particularly devoted and really loving. More so than most partners by far. I thought we were much happier than most people.

I know after a year I should have healed better or faster than I have, but he left me for such a long time with no explanation, it was a kind of limbo. Then he kept coming back and (appearing very sincere and heartbroken himself) told me he still loved me and could not live without me - only to do it again. the cycle repeated four times.

I stayed in the new place we moved to alone, even though I am so lonely, hoping he'd come back and just really believing he would. I was in denial for six months, then I was in anger, but now I seem to have sunk into the lowest state I have ever been and see no hope in life, no way to ever feel better or to live with all of this and pick myself up.

I still talk to him and am ashamed to say still sometimes end up in bed with him. Since all this happened he got diagnosed with depression. It'd make it easier to let go if he was running around town with bimbos but he's not. He's lost a lot of weight and seems as unhappy as I am but for whatever reason he decided he didn't want me and more than a year on still feels that way so I know I have to face facts and move on.

I know all this makes me sound incredibly weak and needy but it's just been really hard. I know you will all think there is someone else - but there isn't.

He created a lot of financial problems because we didn't earn enough to live separately so I have been in a really bad money situation. I know I have to move back to a place where I know people because all I do is cry alone, but don't have money and have no energy to look for a job back home.

Please don't flame me, but I have been a shit mother. I know I don't speak much, I am very quiet and I am always "tired". I used to be a really good Mum and I see the effect all this is having on my poor child. We used to have a really good life. My poor son lost his stepdad (who he was really close to) and he needs me but all I want to do is just die. He has comfort eaten and gotten overweight and is now being teased in school. Please don't shout at me, I know how disgusting I am. I am loving to my son and take care of his needs but it is like I am the walking dead.

Please help me. I can't endure much more and feel so much like my son would be better off without me.

I don't need to be told that I need to focus on practical steps. I do know this but can't do it. What I need is motivation to do that so I need to feel hope.

Please tell me is there hope after such devastation for people? Has anyone ever found happiness again after feeling like they lost something so important or come to terms with someone they love just going?

Well done for cleaning the house, its more than I have done today and it is a dump!

You must have experienced a big shock when he walked out on you. To have this happen in a foreign country is dreadful. I am not surprised you are having trouble accepting it, it really is horrendous. His behaviour is not helping you either. If he had actually left you properly and not stayed in contact you probably could have coped better. You must be extremely lonely. Please don't beat yourself up about your son. All is not lost and you can be the person you were before you met him.

I would urge you to come home. Please tell your family how you feel. If they can pay for your travel home you can always pay them back once you get settled again. Please don't stay there hoping your ex sees sense and gets back with you. He has his own problems but he has treated you very badly.

Don't think you are overreacting about what happened to you. I am ancient and that would have thrown me completely. Get the hell out of there and start your life again. I really feel for you and would love to hear that you made it home.

Siblue

A few of us had a discussion about abandonment recently - it's really a lot more shockingly common than you think (although I appreciate it doesn't make it any easier on a day to day level). If you can bear it, here's the thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2119778-Has-anyone-else-experienced-spousal-loved-one-abandonment?msgid=48141466

It may help you realise that you are not alone; you've done nothing wrong, and it truly is a very difficult issue to contend with. It may help you forgive yourself a little. It may give you some perspective on him - that his actions are unforgiveable and it's okay to say "I'm going to look after me" and be selfish. Selfish is the wrong word: but be YOU-centric for a while.

I know what you mean about being low - our situations permeate every aspect of our lives. Yesterday I giggled and my counsellor said "I've never heard you laugh before". I used to laugh daily, spontaneously, and uproariously. I am someone who finds humour in the most mundane of things. These days, I can barely smile. That said, I've found a level of defiance in me - I'm not going let him beat me.

So in some ways I 'allow' myself periods/days of falling apart, and force myself to have days of being (semi) productive. I never know how I'm going to be each day until I wake up, but by scheduling them I do find myself on a little bit more of an even keel if that makes sense.

Thanks a lot for all that. It helps. I did get a bit better. Wrote out the facts of it all and tried to get an objective perspective then texted him to tell him to never come near us again so a it of fighting spirit returning. Have always been so desperate for the scraps he throws at me.

It's time to start working on YOU. You, You, You.

The scraps aren't enough. You are good enough to do this - it won't be easy. And I'll bet my bottom dollar (and really I'm down to that) as soon as you switch attitude he'll suddenly become more attentive/needy.

It's time to switch him off. Figure out what's going to be best for you. I promise you it's not him. And don't kid yourself with the "for the kid's sake attitude": you're feeling like a shit mum for his behaviour.

It's now time for you to sort your life out in a way that makes you a feel like a good mum. And I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news: but that does not include him.

Try, if you can, to return home. If he wants a relationship with his children, then that is something for him to sort out.

Right now just be about you. He cannot be relied upon but you can depend on yourself.

What makes you not worth loving by your own fiancee? It wasn't like he proposed because he felt it was time...he was desperate to marry me. He chased me so long to get me to go out with him. He just acted / kept saying / convinced friends and family that I was his miracle and his everything and then.......just changed his mind?

I mean, I know all the silly answers will come telling me it's not you it's him - but really -if someone is physically attracted to you, and you have a happy and loving life together and share all good experiences and there's no one else - why would they stop loving you? I can't really understand?

I know I need to think about me, but me feels like nothing.

I know love, we all have those thoughts - but they are thoughts brought about by his actions.

Just because one man is a proven coward does not mean that all people will behave like he did. You believed in him, you trusted him and you loved him. He has very badly let you down.

You can't trust him to be decent, responsible or trustworthy. He's already proven he isn't and continues to do so. The fact is your hurt proves you are decent, responsible and trustworthy. You've been blindsided by him because you don't have that capability of deceit.

Which is why you look after yourself. You haven't done anything wrong, you didn't deserve this, you need to start valuing yourself more, and treating him like the contemptuous coward that he is.

Once you can do that, you've got a more balanced perspective on your situation. He really has behaved dreadfully to you. It's time for you to take control and walk away from him.

Men like him home in on confident, capable women, because it builds them up. Sometimes it dawns on them that they're actually a shell and all their strength comes from their partner and that in a relationship it should be two way ie their partner might at some point require some support back. That sees them either running for the hills or becoming twice as clinging or needy.

Just because he now appears to have depression it doesn't excuse the fact that he has treated you abysmally. Perhaps you were used to carrying him and whilst he appeared loving it didn't matter. That era is over. Bluntly, he bailed out, not you. Your heart isn't a revolving door for him to come and go.

While he still has access to you, he will keep taking. Please block him.

For the sake of your son you have to look to the future.

You poor thing. You have done nothing, nothing wrong but find yourself in a very difficult life situation.

I think when these things happen, the best thing is to retreat a bit before you advance. By that I mean you should go where you have support, you clearly have people rooting for you if they are ringing daily, ring them up and say 'I'm not coping' and ask for their help. I would move back to where one or more of these people are (family friends), just for a short while. You needn't move there for ever, just enough for you to catch your breath- and get treatment for depression, for naturally enough in this awful situation, you do sound very depressed.

You will rebuild, you just need a helping hand right now to get you off the bottom rung and onto the ladder again. I would go home (or to a good friend) and regroup. Good luck (everyone is right about this man- you can't let him mess with your own well being and that of your son, I also think you need to remove yourself from him as well).