Not sure where to go from here

[sunshinydays234]

Hi everyone. I've not posted on here before. I'm feeling really down today and I really feel like I don't know which way to turn. My partner and I decided to split up 2 weeks ago (we have 2 children 6 and 9). It's a long story but 4 years ago he cheated on me. We've been trying to work it out since. I say that but I suppose the reality is I've been trying to deal with it and he's been trying to forget about it. Anyway 6 months ago he decided to move out to give us some space and he's now decided that he can't deal with it any more and doesn't want to continue the relationship. Although I know on some level it's the right thing to do I am devastated as I do really love him and this is not what I ever wanted. The problem is I'm really struggling to move on. I feel bogged down with everything. He's seems to have moved on so quickly and has been able to start afresh - he is renting new flat, has new furniture, new job, the freedom of not being main carer of children. He also got a redundancy payout so has been able to buy himself lots of new stuff to start his new life. Although I am financially ok I feel so overwhelmed emotionally. I feel like I'm stuck, I hate the house and everything in it (all reminders). I find it so painful when he comes round to get children. I can't see my family as they live miles away. I don't know where to start or which way to go from here. Any help would be appreciated.

It's only been two weeks since he ditched you. That's not long enough for anyone to come to terms with the end of a relationship. You've been trying to understand his terrible betrayal, to forgive and forget for FOUR LONG YEARS. That's as close to torture as I could imagine. And now it's been all for nothing, except more pain.

The reason he's been able to move on is because he's found someone else he wants to be with. A lot of people don't end relationships when they know they should until they've got someone to leave for. I reckon he's one of those. Which makes him an arsehole of the first degree. Actually, he was an arsehole of the first degree when he decided to betray you all that time ago.

I'm not sure what's for the best but I'd be really, really bloody angry rather than a sorry mess curled up in a ball. But the absolute truth is that he doesn't actually deserve your attention one iota.

Thanks for replying. I know you're right he really doesn't deserve my attention but I'm really struggling not to give it. I really want to move on and forget but all this "stuff" is holding me back and I feel resentful that he's left me with all the crap and is now moving on himself. It would be easier if I didn't have to see him but that can't be avoided with the children.

Bitter is right. It's really early days. You probably just need a bit of time. In the meantime try to think about the house and all the stuff a bit differently. It's no doubt been really hard for your DCs too. Being in their familiar home with their familiar things is likely comforting for them at a time of huge upheaval. You can enjoy unloading all that baggage a bit later when your feeling up to it. Wishing all the best to you and your DCs.

Thanks dozeydotes that has really helped. I guess I do need to give myself more time. I'm just so drained and sick and tired of feeling like this, I just want to forget the whole sorry mess.

You're right I should look at the house that way. I do find myself feeling a bit more hopeful and positive but then he comes over to pick the children up and I find myself going back to square one again.

I think it's the way he acts like nothing has happened telling me what he's been up to and wanting to be good friends. I just can't understand how you can move from being in a relationship with someone for 14 years claiming to love them and to still be attracted to them, to then being able to be good friends instantly. Maybe it's because he's not the one who's been hurt? I just don't get it.

I should probably tell him I need as little contact as possible to give me space to move on, but this really scares me as he's the only 'family' I have close by if you know what I mean and it scares me that I will feel even lonelier.

It's such early days. It's going to take time for the hurt to begin to fade. In the meantime why not do a bit of decorating in the house. Make it look and feel a bit different, all ready for your new start in life. It might help to erase just a few of the painful memories of the past. Try to think of things you could now undertake. An evening class, a weekly trip to the gym or other ways in which you can meet people and make new friends. You have to limit contact with ex P, he is not the person to use as an emotional crutch because he is always going to cause you so much pain. You have to start a new life now, without him. I know it's really hard right now but you need to be kind to yourself, start Looking for opportunities in life and take each day as it comes. Things will get better, or certainly easier, but its going to take time.