anyone living with emotional abuse due to an illness?

[IWantItAll]

I've been with D H 20 years. He was diagnosed with M.S over 10 years ago and luckily we live a normal life (people wouldn't know he had it unless they were told or were very observant). DH has struggled emotionally with the diagnosis and also physically as walking long distances is a problem and he suffers from fatigue sometimes too.

He does all he can with.diet,excersise and looking into what he can do in order to delay/halt deterioration and luckily so far we live a normal life,he also has a very good job.

The last few years have been a rollercoaster emotional though as we go through periods where he becomes emotionally distant,difficulty to live with and when I ask he says he's tired or it's the M.S. It makes it difficult for me to call him on his behaviour.He also lives far from his family which I feel he resents me for and will always bring it up in an argument.We see his family about 6 times a year for days at a time. We have a dc who he adores so would never move away from our child anyway. . It upsets me so much as I love him but our relationship is dependant on these moods. He says I should understand that the illness causes this but I feel that if the illness caused physical abuse then I would be told to 'LTB' and of course I would.When he doesn't get theses moods we get on brilliantly for weeks at a time.

Sorry for the long post,did' t want to drip feed.Just wanted to know if anyone was in the same situation and had any advice.Thanks

You know your husband best, so if he's never shown any signs before that he's controlling, manipulative or abusive then his moods are most likely to be an expression of his illness.

But that doesn't mean that he isn't taking advantage of his diagnosis to punish you and himself for what is happening. I can't imagine what it must be like to endure the situation but I have one question: he appears to be garnering lots of information and support for his MS but what support are you getting?

Sympathy & support for a partner with a chronic medical condition does not mean tolerating abusive behaviour, physical, emotional or otherwise. Your emotional well-being is just as important as theirs. I'm not going to say 'LTB' but I would suggest you stand up to him more and stop making unreasonable allowances. If he sulks or is distant then call him out on it.

I'm currently dealing with a relative who is suffering from a serious MH condition and she can be very hurtful and disruptive as a result. Allowances are made but, when lines get crossed, I pull her up. The people around me need me to be in good shape emotionally and nothing is more important than that.

It's incredibly difficult as apparently the MS itself can cause emotional disturbances. More so further down the line, but also earlier on. Where does the line lie between it being the illness and him using it a bit? or the illness changing him -so that- he uses it?

It really sounds like he is doing everything in his power to keep fit as possible and normal as possible for as long as possible. If he's still holding down a good job then the strain could be intense. Is he on meds too? do those meds have psych side effects?

I think you need to talk to supportive people like the GP and particularly, like the MS society or post on MS forum boards with this. You have your needs too and you will need support. They can maybe also let you know what is considered more "normal" in this horrible disease, and what is not.

I'm afraid that things will probably only get worse physically and maybe mentally so you need to plan and prepare for that. And you will need support, all of you.

Good luck, MS is so devastating.

I have an illness n has similar to ME n other illness with fibromyagia. ..I think ur DH is very lucky to hve u n so understanding. I lost all friends fam bcos of my inability to do stuff n think I'm jst being lazy. I lost my DH almost 5yrs n I'm totally alone n lost as kids r all grown up n this illness u can look really well even wen ill. I too get bad mood swings n I'm grieving for my life back! I think ur doing a gr8 job n ur DH is not appreciating you. I hope u get it sorted as sounds like ur getting the mental abuse as thats how it sounds...good luck n hope all goes well

I have chronic fatigue and get very very tired, irritable and foggy. I can't make normal decisions, I can't think clearly, I have very low tolerance for people not doing as I think they ought to, I have to just escape and lie down. I try hard not to be dreadful but...

I understand that it is not great to live with but I am not being abusive. My own needs are great and are not being met and in many ways cannot be met, so how can I be pleasant to live with? I feel completely shit sometimes. And my husband is not a nurse. (Thank god for other ill people he's not!)

But how can my husband live like this? I'm not much of a partner. I can hardly be intimate. I don't know. We just keep on and sometimes have good times that restores our faith in each other, and I apologise.

Thanks to all of you for responding. You have all made valid points. meerka I also wonder whether the MS is being used to manipulate situations but I don't think dh realises if he is using it. He did try and chat about it earlier,telling me that he can't help feeling how he does sometimes. When I told him it's not easy for me either and I could do with some emotional support, he doesn't get it. He sees me in great health and feels I don't support him enough.

But thanks all of you,I really mean that. I'm going to look into a support group right away.

good luck, wantit.

Does he apologise for his behaviour, IWant?
I think this is key.

When I told him it's not easy for me either and I could do with some emotional support, he doesn't get it. He sees me in great health and feels I don't support him enough.
That's quite sad, in my view. Of course you need support too. It's not just about you being there for him.
There is nothing to stop him offering kindness to you.

I am jealous of my husband's good health, and I don't think he really understands what life is like for me, but then I don't think it is easily understood. You might try to read the Spoon Theory of fatigue (just Google it).

HOWEVER. I am very clear in my mind that this situation is not great for him. He works hard, needs rest, and I try to make sure he gets time to pursue his hobbies to some extent. So even though I am a ratty old bitch sometimes and a millstone round his neck at others, I try not to let my needs be paramount. I'm only one person in our family, after all.

MS is one of the most hideous illness out there, it can be utterly destructive to everyone in the family.

The dad of one of my school friends had it, it started as relapsing-remitting and eventually secondary progressive - over time he changed from an out going, up beat, conscientious person to a self absorbed and emotionally abusive nightmare. MS its self can (and often does) completely change the personality of the person who has it, they are not always in control of their reactions but at other times they are and use the illness to bully, control, hurt and blackmail those around them (often whilst remaining as sweet as pie to those outside their immediate family).

watching him change was horrific; the man he was had died long before the MS killed his body, you don't have to accept the EA - that choice is yours to make and yours alone. One other thing to watch out for though is your H targeting your child for EA, my friend's dad did this to her and it did an incredible amount of damage.

I could almost have written your post - except my H has early onset Parkinson's. For the longest time I excused his behaviour, sought support & counseling myself while supporting him through dreadful health including an episode of psychosis, a side effect of his meds. He had surgery a few years ago which almost reversed his symptoms; unfortunately the manipulation, verbal abuse & anger continued. I have just called time on our marriage & we are in the early stages of separation.

I kept making excuses for my H's behaviour, but ultimately it was his behaviour, attitude & choices, not his illness, that was abusive.

only you can make that decision about your own situation. Do try whatever support you can get. It IS hard for you, & hard for an ill partner to understand. But understanding is crucial on both parts. At one stage, before the surgery, I told my H I wanted to go to counseling after his op as I felt among other things that I was more like his carer than his wife - to be met with a torrent of bitterness that I WASN'T his carer, I WAS his wife (& more) - invalidating my feelings was probably the beginning of the end.

Love isn't enough. Understanding, empathy, strength and a shared responsibility are crucial for getting through.

good luck; I most sincerely wish that.

track he has apologised before and other times says that i don't understand that he can't help these moods. This is when I say there is only so much I can tolerate ie when does it cross the line to emotional abuse?

The thing is maggi he doesn't think I'm understanding or supportive because I get on with life without mentioning the M.S. I look at the positives,the fact that we are living a normal life considering. I know he struggles to hold it together but I don't see how mentioning it all the time would improve anything.

Jana thank you for your input,I think my husband feels like you do. It's good to hear your point of view.
Thanks again to all of you for your input. Good luck Genevieve

I think some of these situations people have posted about sound truly truly awful.

Marriage vows of 'in sick esp and in health' are something that you say without having the faintest idea what it will really mean when disease changes identities and personalities.

but I don't see how mentioning it all the time would improve anything

iwantitall is it possible, just possible, that he feels you are minimizing it? Not that you are actually minimizing it, but that he feels you are if it's rarely mentioned?

Not mentioning it all the time may be the best way you cope, but is it possible that he needs to have it aired more often? Is it worth just asking or talking ot him about that?

if he feels it's something half-hidden then it may put considerable pressure on him which would make everything worse.

Even if you go to appointments with him, talk about the pragmatic stuff etc, there can be a different level at which he feels it's not so acknowledged. Practical and emotional can be worlds apart, adjusting to MS is a hell of a journey and talking about it can be threatening to some people becuase it makes it so real.

All these are just questions, not saying you are not facing it etc. But it might be worth just talking with him to ask him how he sees it?

I'm sorry you're facing this. Totally random, but I recommend a novel called Truth and Consequences by Alison Lurie. It's about a wonderful, happy, successful couple who fall apart when the husband develops life limiting back problems.

It's a great book and worth a read on it's own merit but there might be some stuff in there you could really relate to.

My father had Parkinsons for 18 years and had changed completely by the time he had died. He was a self-absorbed, often verbally abuse, demanding bastard for the last years. It nearly broke my mum because she didn't feel she could leave him as it was the disease that had made him that way and it wasn't his fault he had Parkinsons. It was an all round terrible situation.

What happened with my father was that the verbal abuse started became the threat of physical (I think it might have been physical once but my mum never admitted it) and that was a boundary that my mother couldn't accept being crossed. My father moved into a nursing home and actually their relationship improved immeasurably and when he died they were on good terms.

There is no easy solution to situations like this, but I suggest thay you decide where your boundary goes and that it is absolute. No matter how sick he is, if he crosses the boundary then he is affecting you to the point that you cannot tolerate it and another living situation will have to be found.

I would also suggest talking to his doctor or consultant about what is going on. They may be able to help.

The support i have received from you all is amazing. Just having your feedback has helped me see things more clearly.

darcey i'm going to ask what he wants from us/life.

meerka i completely agree with you that maybe i am coming across as if i'm minimising the illness. He did say to me that i'm scared to face up to it and this bit is true so i'm going to try change this.

morris thanks for the novel suggestion,will be googling this book.

sonja sorry about your father,agree with all you've said regarding where my boundary is.

Thank you