Help me leave him

[lurkingmurking]

Tonight I had to call the police on him.

I just didnt know what to do.

My lovely lovely M&D have the boys for the whole weekend for our wedding anniversary. we had a nice dinner and then went to meet his mates at the pub, all of a sudden he rounded on me saying that my parents were way too involved in the kids. I told him he was a selfish knob and walked out. I came home and he got home about 5 minutes after me and came into the bedroom and just went mental. He was kicking the furniture and lifting the bed up and down. I called the police I felt really scared, there was a recorded message saying they were really busy.

He stormed out. The police have just come knocking at the door god and i had to sit there and tell them what happened. I said I felt like a total time waster but god he really scared me. He has never been violent (apart from early on when he pushed me - I should have walked out then)

I have to leave - I should never have married him. He has major issues with alcohol. I am so embarassed to tell my parents but this can't go on any longer. I am so so unhappy. I detest having sex with him, he makes me feel sick.

I'm so sorry - you must be in bits! Well done on calling the police, what did they say? Are they going to follow it up?

Are you safe? Can you call anyone to come get you or stay with you?

So sorry lurking. Tell your parents and get all the rl support you can. And ffs stop having sex with him.

I'm so sorry. It sounds like you have had a horrible time. Do tell your parents. They sound really caring and I am sure they will just be concerned for your welfare and that of your boys. I can understand how difficult it will be to tell them, but I am sure that once you do you will feel relieved. Also, once you tell them it will be an incentive for you to do something about it.
It sounds as if you want out, so use tonight as a wake-up call.
Also it may be that he needs a kick up the arse in order to deal with his alcohol issues - obviously that's his problem not yours.
You haven't done anything wrong, and everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is to keep yourself and your boys safe. Tell your parents and that will be the first step you need to get yourself some support to go through with this. You may find that they already suspect something is wrong.

Thank you both. The police were amazing but I really felt like I was wasting their time but at the same time I wanted it on record. He has come back but has stayed downstairs on the sofa. I am safe. I don't think he would ever hit me but my god if he did I would hit him back with something damn hard.

I'm drafting an email to my parents. I can't just hit them with this. I have to 'warn' them first before I descend on them tomorrow.

There have been so so many times when I've wanted to leave. Last time I actually told a friend IRL and she was amazing so I feel braver this time that I can actually do it.

I hate that I feel so finacially burdened, I hate everyone knowing. My DS starts school in 2 weeks. I don't know if I want the turmoil of moving him but at the same time there's a massive mortgage here to pay.

I've composed the email to my parents but am hovering over the send button. Once I do it it's really really it and it will be over.

I never post here, just lurk, but I am afraid you won't get many replies at this time otherwise. It is clear from you thread title, from the way you friend and police have reacted and from every line of your own posts that this is the right thing to do. Please have the courage to press send, it will be such a relief and you will ultimately be so much happier.

Thank you pog I truly appreciate your reply. I have hit send. Will try and get some sleep.

Well done, I am sure sleep won't be easy but it sounds like you will have good support from your family and friends and they will ask rally round to take the load off you. Sleep well, good luck.

Good for you. It sounds like your parents will be a good support system.

well done, that was a difficult thing to do.

You have done the right thing. I hope you told your parents enough that they will help you to stay apart from him. If you have tried to be gentle in telling them they might encourage you to stay together and 'work on it - for the children'. Don't.

Oh and if they're anything like mine, you might have to call the landline in the morning to ask them to check their emails But your parents might be younger and more onto it!

Can you pack a bag for him, wait until he is asleep, take it downstairs and leave a note on it telling him you want him gone before you get up or you will ring the police again?

You know what you need to do tomorrow don't you - the MN list?

Wide awake at 4am.

I feel weirdly relieved that something 'big' has happened which justifies me leaving. It makes it easier to explain to people rather than just 'he's a dick'

My head is crazy with practical stuff now. What do I tell work? I'm supposed to be going to away next weekend on a work thing - do I still go??

How much of a cock is he going to be about things?

The biggest concern is financial. I have CC debts (nothing to do with him) but it makes money tight and there's no way I can pay the mortgage and bills here on my own. We have a lot of equity in the house but naff all savings. My preferred option is sell up and I hope he'll let me take the deposit I paid and the money my parents gave us for stamp duty.

The other huge thing is DS starts school on the 8th. What on earth do I do about that if we move??

I would pack a bag and tell him to leave.

Pack a bag for him, I mean.

I'm sorry you've had that 'last straw' experience. When the behaviour is low level crappy rather than there being some big dramatic crisis, it's very easy to get conditioned to it. So don't be too hard on yourself for not acting sooner.

I think the first thing is to talk to people that actually love you. They will be worried about you but, if you tell them you've reached a decision, they should prioritise helping you achieve it rather than waste time hand-wringing. Consider talking to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 before you tell him it's over because if he is already violent and aggressive enough to be destructive, it can very easily turn physical if he feels backed into a corner. Ideally, he should leave but you have to put your safety first and assume the worst.

Next step is to get legal advice about divorce and practical advice about things like finances. You don't have to get his permission. As a married woman with children you have various rights and advantages in law.

Thank you. My dad called this morning and I am on my way down there (the kids are already with them). He has just called me, I think he doesn't even remember what happened. I just said 'I'm done' and that I'm going to my parents.

Hi lurking. It is hard to make the move but everything will work out once you get the balll rolling. Just think of all the other women on here (and everywhere) that have done it and succeeded. I was on the other side of the world, had no money, no family support and two children that were both in school. But we did it, and are now happier than ever.

Well done Lurking. Telling your parents must have been hard, because like you say that makes it real. (Which just shows really how much you put up with if you want ti keep it from people). Let then look after you and help with the practicalities. It will all work out in the end and you and your dc will be happier for it.

Are you married OP? It makes a big difference when the shit hits the fan like this.

Either way I would see a solicitor for 30 mins free advice if I were you. It will help you feel more in control and get your facts straight.

Also have you looked at this entitled to website which might be helpful?

Good luck.

Yes, it is easier when you can say 'He did x' rather than, he was a dickhead/abusive/nasty and have people try to talk you into 'working it out for the childrens sake'/

What do I tell work?

It depends entirely on what they are like, whether you will get support or not.

I'm supposed to be going to away next weekend on a work thing - do I still go??

Do you want to go? If you want to go and your parents don't mind having the kids, then yes, go. But don't get drunk and shag the boss :)

How much of a cock is he going to be about things?

I don't know, I would say it probably depends on how much drink he's had at any given time, much the same way he has been for the last couple of years?!

The biggest concern is financial. I have CC debts (nothing to do with him) but it makes money tight and there's no way I can pay the mortgage and bills here on my own. We have a lot of equity in the house but naff all savings. My preferred option is sell up and I hope he'll let me take the deposit I paid and the money my parents gave us for stamp duty

Talk to a solicitor before you say anything to him!!

The other huge thing is DS starts school on the 8th. What on earth do I do about that if we move??

I don't understand why you are going to your parents, HE should be moving out, not you and the kids. I would tell him he had today to get out then go back tomorrow. Don't worry about DS's school for now, deal with 'what is' it will be a while before things are sorted out with the house etc and you may end up being able to stay in it until the kids are older.

IF DS has to change schools later, then deal with that then :)

Well done, you. I hope your parents are looking after you and giving you lots of TLC. As for the rest, just take it one step at a time. Try not to worry, look after yourself and don't feel that you have to tell everyone at once. When my ex left me, I didn't tell anyone at work for months because I needed a space where I didn't have to deal with the fallout. It helped me to be able to go to work and be able to get on with my work without dealing with everyone's concern. People mean well, but sometimes I would find that other people worrying about me made it worse. I know not everyone is the same, but just take things at your own pace.

Well done, lurking, very well done. No problem staying with your parents for a little while, while you get your head cleared a bit. I think you need to find a shit hot lawyer first and foremost.

H may go quietly if he's back to being reasonable, but even if he does, I think you'll need some sort of non molestation order due to the alcohol issue.

You talk of selling the house; do you have a preference as to where you would go once that's done? If it's near your parents, then can you just stay with them while all the flak happens? If you'd rather stay in the area of your current home, then your SHL can advise you on how to go about staying in your home safely without him bothering you, so that your dc can go to the school you've already chosen. It's not too late to find an alternative school in another area if you'd rather move. Probably not your first choice of school, but that can often be ironed out later.

Good luck. Stay strong, and keep posting.