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Original poster

DP following me

20 replies

JustOneYesterday · 29/08/2014 21:45

Whenever me and DP have an argument and I try to go out for a walk with our toddler after, DP always follows me and just stands there looking at me. If I try to walk off he just keeps following and when I ask him to leave he says he's trying to be with our toddler.

I don't know how to get him to stop doing it. It really frightens me to be followed because he won't leave. The only time he'll leave is if I get another family member to come and find us then he'll run off.

OP posts:

GoMe · 29/08/2014 21:47

SloeGinFizz · 29/08/2014 21:49

That doesn't sound right (well 'normal'). What happens when you get home?

LEMmingaround · 29/08/2014 21:51

Does this happen often?

CurlyWurlyCake · 29/08/2014 21:55

Don't take the toddler with you?

everydayvalue · 29/08/2014 22:05

Have you asked him to stop doing it?

OxfordBags · 29/08/2014 23:37

You need to not go out with your toddler then. It's just getting him embroiled in all the stress and drama if your OH follows you both and you have those interactions. It's not fair on you, but much worse for your child.

The whole thing sounds really bad.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2014 07:32

What are you arguing about? How do the arguments start? Do the walks signify that the disagreement has been successfully resolved? Do you need to go for a walk because you are fearful? frustrated? upset? angry?

Why does him following you 'frighten' you rather than 'annoy' or 'irritate' you? That sounds very worrying.

firesidechat · 30/08/2014 09:23

Sometimes when my husband and I argue one of us will go for a brief walk just to get away. Not because of violence or anything worrying. It's maybe not ideal, but it defuses the situation and when the person returns we are always able to have a calm rational conversation and apologise to each other. After 3 decades of marriage we very, very rarely do this now. It works for us and maybe works for the op too.

It most definitely doesn't work if one partner insists on following the other one. It doesn't leave the op with any space to breath and must feel very claustrophobic.

However I would never have taken my children with me as their father was more than capable of looking after them, even after an argument. It's never a good idea to involve children in issues between parents. It's not fair on them at all.

DollyMixture99 · 30/08/2014 09:35

Maybe he's frightened you're going to run off with his child?

Going for a walk after an argument to cool off is a good idea, but taking a toddler is a bit weird (unless you are scared of what your DH might do).

SweetErmengarde · 30/08/2014 10:04

It would take a substantial dose of paranoia to extrapolate "doing a runner with our child" from "taking a walk to shake off the icky post-fight feeling."

The silent staring (until called on it) and especially the running away if a witness family member turns up has alarm bells ringing for me. If he only wanted to walk with your DC, why would he leg it if a relative joins you?

I for one can see why you would want to take your DC with you rather than leave them with someone who indulges in behaviour like that, especially if they may still be angry.

Have you spoken to anyone IRL about this, or even to your DP at a time when you are both calm?

Coughle · 30/08/2014 10:18

How bizarre. What does he say about it after? I mean do you just go home and pretend nothing's happened, or do you say, "why were you following me?"???

StillFrigginRexManningDay · 30/08/2014 11:27

What does he say when you ask him about it?

EarthWindFire · 30/08/2014 12:18

I don't understand why you would take DC with you tbh. Have you asked him why he does it?

AllThatGlistens · 30/08/2014 12:20

He runs off when you call a family member? This whole situation is really odd

How old are you both?

TaraRhode · 30/08/2014 12:24

Yeah, because taking her toddler for a walk is the weird thing here...

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 30/08/2014 12:28

If I'm feeling stressed after an argument it's sometimes a nice distraction to go out and walk with a child. The way they chatter about things they've seen can be a nice calming distraction can't it? Well I've always found it so. Don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with taking a child for a walk! And what some of you are missing is that her not leaving the child may hint that she's worried to leave the child with her partner, which given that he follows her and runs off, doesn't sound wildly unlikely does it?

QuintessentiallyQS · 30/08/2014 12:32

Are you worried that he will hurt your child if you hand the child over to him, when he says he is there to spend time with his child? I am wondering what is stopping you from saying "fair enough, take toddler for a walk", I am going home/to mums/shop/for a coffee.

RedRoom · 30/08/2014 12:35

His reason for following you is utterly ridiculous. It is nothing to do with wanting to be with your child, otherwise he would follow you everywhere you went, not just when you leave the house to get space. It is everything to do with him trying to exercise control.

You say 'I don't know how to get him to stop doing it'. You also say it really frightens you and that he won't leave. If you have tried to talk to him about this and he knows it is upsetting you to the point of fear but he still does it, then it has become deliberate intimidation and is actually abusive. Abuse is a strong word, but you are telling us that when you tell him he is frightening you, he refuses to stop doing what he is doing and that he repeatedly frightens you.

You mentioned that the only time he'll leave is if You get another family member to come and find you, then he'll run off. It's hard to imagine this being anything other than suspicious: he knows what he is doing is weird and unacceptable, so does it in reforming of you alone.

I'd be very worried about all of this. Can you tell someone in real life?

RedRoom · 30/08/2014 12:36

Reforming? In front of!

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 30/08/2014 12:38

But surely he sees the child lots of other times? Why is it so imperative that he sees the child right after arguments and is so desperate to see the child that he follows OP? That's not right. And it's got to be weird for the child - why is daddy walking behind us mummy? Why is he running off? It's doesn't make sense. They argue, OP gets out the house to escape the atmosphere or clear her head or whatever. I imagine if the toddler has been there during the argument that it's prob best for the toddler to get out and be distracted and away from atmosphere anyway. That's all normal behaviour. What's not normal is for the DP to be so instantly desperate to see the toddler that he follows the OP at a distance! He should either say before she leaves that he wants to so x with toddler, or he could wait til she gets back and then spend time with the toddler. The following is massively weird.

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