Can't believe I'm considering this. Please hold my hand and talk me out of it?

[HavingAGoodThink]

Have namechanged as I've got RL friends on here, and I'm not ready to talk about it openly yet. I have used this name recently though to comment on someone else's thread.

Me and DH have been together for nearly 10 years, married for 6. 4 yo DD and I'm 24 weeks pregnant. Recently, I've been unhappy but I don't know if I've got the energy to fix it.

A few months after we got married, I found some messages between him and an ex (female) colleague, that were on the wrong side of friendly. Quite flirty, not overtly sexual, but definitely inappropriate. We rowed, he made his excuses, and hasn't been in touch since. I trusted him not to do it again.

Until now. Different woman though. They met online through a photography website (his hobby). He's always involved me with the online community. Some of them are reasonably local and have become good friends. Others are abroad, and I'm friends with them on Facebook too.

I've found a FB conversation between the two of them, going back years. The woman in question is American, so I know there's nothing actually physical going on. But the messages he's been sending are definitely bordering on it - worst one was she's wearing a dress with no knickers, he says so I could get you naked in one fell swoop. She didn't reply to that, so I think it's mostly driven by him. She normally seems to cut the conversation short by saying her kids, husband or business partner have just come in the room. I think she's being polite, but she's definitely done nothing explicit to discourage him.

I've taken screen shots of the more recent messages. They've mentioned catching up on Skype, so I know I'm not seeing the full picture.

I've written an email to them both, but I haven't sent it yet. I don't trust myself to talk to him. I need to keep my shit together to have the conversation, and I don't trust myself not to cry or scream at him. And I don't know if it's a good idea to pull her up on it or not. I don't hold her in anyway responsible - it's his decision to betray me, not hers - but I want her to see that by deciding not to tell him to stop, she's involved herself in my marriage, and that if my marriage ends because of this then she gets to see the part she has played in that.

I don't know if I want to save this, but I don't want to separate either. I can't bear the thought of not seeing my DD open her presents every Christmas morning, and I don't want either of my children to spend their life split between two homes. What the fuck do I do??

Bide your time, even if you make him leave whilst you think things through, it will show him you can't be treated like this.

Get all your ducks in a row then end the marriage if that's what you choose.

I would go with the 'Your bags are packed. I told you last time that it would be the last time'.

I would send her a msg on Facebook too, it's not as thought she's some 'unknown' - she was your 'friend'. He wouldn't have known she had a dress on without knickers if she hadn't told him. The first time he made an inappropriate comment she should have refused further private communication with him. The odd 'someone else is in the room' is not enough from her side either. OF course it's him you are married too, but there's no reason not to tell her what you think of her either.

Op it's not his choice....it's yours

His choice was to 'have his cake and etc....'

If he stops its probably only because you have discovered his sad little secret....

He will just hide it more in future....

It's your choice ....give him zero power in this.

So sorry it stinks

Get yourself some space from him, see how he handles it, you don't have to decide right now.

When you do decide, do it for you, what will make YOU happy. The DC will only be happy and well balanced if you are.

Yes Horsemad, I like the idea of biding my time. I've sat on it for a couple of weeks, I can keep it in for a while longer to figure out the rest.

To the posters talking about the impact on DD, it's definitely in my mind for in the future. Like Daisychain said, it's fairly well contained right now - he doesn't even know I know, so it's completely off her radar. But of course I'm worried that she'll grow up thinking our unhappy marriage is normal. I don't want that.

I'll have a conversation with a lawyer, just to see what the future might hold. When I know which cards I'm holding in that respect, I'll go with the 'Don't bother coming home tonight' approach.

It might have to wait until I'm on maternity leave though. I've got hardly any holiday left this year, and exams to sit in November. There's only so much my brain can hold.

OP, did you mean to include her name in your post of "21:55:44"

Your not pathetic , your angry and upset and unsure how to handle things. Everyone wings it when these things happen. Coughie is right , for now a short message like she suggests is appropriate.

So what if it looks like you want an excuse to get out? You don't need an excuse. You can just say , Dh , your an arse hole and I'm not willing to be in this marriage anymore. If he starts trying to rationalize why you should be in the marriage be clear. Your a shit husband and I can do better.

Is there any reason you can't get a childminder ?

Oh bollocks, no I didn't! Can I get MNHQ to edit?

yes. I think if you click on Report next to your post.

Arf, I know. Ironic yes?

Good Luck Having, you will be fine. You sound level headed. Work out what YOU want and go for it.

I like Coughle's message too. I will keep that.

The childcare thing actually might be ok. She's starting school next week, so will be in breakfast and after school club. I was going to ask work if I could tweak my hours when the baby's here anyway as one of us can't do both drop offs and get to work on time. We start at 8.30, half an hour from home, in opposite directions. But if I started half an hour later, I could do breakfast club and nursery in time. So that part actually might be ok. Will have to test it out.

Who was it talking about pulling everything together? I need to make sure I think of everything before I make any move. I'm a bad arguer (word?) so I need to make sure I've got all my facts, thoughts, plans in place before I open my mouth. Otherwise I fear I'll get talked round. That's not the person I used to be

Thanks everyone. I've cried a fair bit tonight. Blaming it on DD finishing nursery when H asks...

But you've helped me feel a bit better about things. I can just end this because I want to can't I? Being unhappy is a good enough reason?

I agree with not giving him options, you call the shots.
I couldn't sit on this and bide my time. I would have to confront him straight away. But that's me.

You are an amazing and capable woman, having! A DD with another DC on the way, working and studying. He is one very stupid man to let all that slip through his fingers. Some people dont realise just how lucky they are.

I hope everything goes OK when you talk to your solicitor. Meanwhile try to get some rest, you need to look after yourself.

Well, I was all set to send them that email earlier and I needed talking down from that because it was a terrible idea. Good job I didn't just go for it!

Anyway, with any luck more time will give him more rope to hang himself with.

I'm feeling weirdly detached. Six years ago I couldn't even wait until I got home from work when I found out. I was straight out in the car park shouting down the phone at him.

Leopards and spots eh?

You need to make sure he knows what he's sacrificing with this behaviour! If you kick him out it might be the push he needs to realise that his behaviour is unacceptable. You don't have to live like this! I don't want to get too heavy with you, I understand how devastating this is, trust me, but surely you want you children to be viewing a relationship built on equality and trust, rather that it being strained and you being worried about what he might be doing when your back is turned! Kids pick up these things, god knows how but they do, even when you try to hide it!
You don't deserve this. You don't have to put up with it. The constant worry will grind you down, and you can't ever let that happen, especially when you have children, they need you! But what you don't need is a man who doesn't value you x

How about showing him how devastated you are - breaking down, crying, snotfest, the lot? Why would that be so terrible? Why should he not have to deal with that?

I would get that far and then think about the rest afterwards. I think you're jumping many steps ahead, and maybe that's right, but how about unleashing the misery he's caused you in front of him so he really knows what he has done.

I'd be tempted to get a boyfriend

I'd fucking pack his bags with a print out of his conversations placed on top of it and change the locks. He can grovel for a long long time.

Of course you can end it if you are unhappy. Absolutely you can.

You sound really unhappy, don't let the fear of Christmas make you stay with him. There is a life for you to live happily - go and grab it!

Thanks again everyone. I've spent today having the minimum amount of conversation with him that I can get away with. I don't know if he's noticed or not

Now I've had time to digest all your advice from last night, I'm going to see if I can find a lawyer to have half an hour with over the next couple of weeks. Once I've got an idea of what would be involved, I'm going to pack him a bag, and tell him not to come back one night. Then take it from there.

Sigh. I feel more positive today, about myself, not my marriage. I think it's the beginning of the end. Have got mixed feelings about that but either way, it's got to end up better than how things are now hasn't it?