Surviving separation

[caffeinated]

I found out 6 weeks ago my husband was having an affair. Initially he was committed to working on things but last week confessed he's not sorry he did it and we have separated after 12 years. I have been a sahm for 10 years and am now living in the rented family home with our 3 children aged between 5-10. I have claimed all the benefits I am entitled to. Been to the jobcentre today and just sobbed. I have nobody to help with childcare and am overwhelmed at the prospect of returning to work whilst caring for the children.

I am not coping well with the revelations of the last 6 weeks. Struggling to eat, sleep or focus. Constantly tearful, trying to reassure the kids and it is all just too much.

I feel like I'm sinking and it will just never get better. I feel like by my marriage failing I have disadvantaged my children cos they are stuck with me most of the time and the squabble a lot and I'm such a mess.

Can anyone assure me things will get better?

First of all hugs to you. Finding out that your oh is having an affair knocks you for six!

It's a cliche but with time it does get better, it really does. When I hear the name of the person he had an affair with, it doesn't cause me pain any more. Don't get me wrong I miss my family unit and wish the whole thing never happened, but it did.

For me I started counselling straight away - it worked wonders. I found that close friends, although not exactly that supportive, gave me advice that didn't really help and messed with me, which is why the counsellor was so good.

It does take time, but concentrate on you and your kids. Don't be afraid to ask for help. I found that I rarely said yes to anything before, but since what happened, did, my attitude to life has changed considerably. I would take my dd in her pjs round to a mates house on a Sunday night for example.

As or coping, my kitchen cupboard had dy plans on what needed to be done, if that makes sense. And what stuff I need to prep beforehand.

With regards to childcare, you'd now be able to apply for help like before and after school clubs through working tax credits.

Poor you. How cruel to turn it in to a double blow for you, too. To give you false hope like he did was so callous.
At the moment that knowledge won't help very much but in time knowing how cruel he was at the end will definitely help you to realise that you haven't lost as much as you feel you have right now.

First things first, though: you need to eat and sleep so a trip to the drs to see what help they can offer is a must. Doesn't necessarily mean anti depressants - I had horrible panic attacks after my 'd'p left so my gp temporarily prescribed beta blockers to help control the anxiety. Take as much real life support as you can, too. I was terrified for some reason that I wouldnt be able to prepare meals for my ds so a lovely friend came round and spent the day batch cooking with me for the freezer. Made me feel looked after and far more in control again.

Secondly, you need to let the school know the situation so they can help you care for your dcs' emotional wellbeing. No-one will be anything other than sympathetic to your situation and I promise you that teachers would far rather know when something like that has happened rather than teach a child whose behaviour seems strange for no apparent reason.

I don't suppose anyone in the job centre pointed a gun at your head and threatened to pull the trigger if you don't have a full time job by Monday! Start looking at both jobs and childcare - part time might be a more workable solution for you at the moment. Don't dread working though - single parenting is lonely and isolating. A job will give you back an identity outside your home and you might be surprised at how it boosts your confidence.

I know you feel at the bottom of a mountain with sheer drops on all sides (not sure that's geographically possible, but you know what I mean!) But I promise that this is not permanent. You will carve out a routine for yourself, you can train your dcs to help (my ds has sorted laundry since the age of 6, he now makes his own sandwiches and helps with hoovering too) and you will start to create a new life for yourself that no-one else can spoil. You will be okay. You'll feel empty to start with but gradually your new life will spill in to the hole and start to fill it. It does get better. I promise.

I am in the same situation, my husband will be leaving the family home very soon.

What makes me feel better is knowing is that I am not alone, I have our daughter! yes I have to sort out all the childcare but we are the main carers and our children will remember and respect us for that.

You will move on and one day you will most likely meet someone else. I can understand the pain you feel as I am feeling it too but your children will not be any worse off being raised in a single parent household. All they need is two happy parents, be that together or apart.

Thank you so much I just read those replies through tears. I'm so glad someone knows how I feel. I guess I expected it to start to hurt less by now.

Hello lovely (and Rebecca2014) - what a dreadful thing to experience. Firstly, no matter what your little voice in your head says, may I be the first to say: You did not deserve this.

YvyB has given you some great pragmatic advice. As much as you can, in the first few days, when the adrenaline is in best supply, crack on with as much as you can (I note you've already done a great deal of work - well done).

Yes, you feel like you're sinking. It's absolutely no wonder. Do not let yourself feel bad about that. It's perfectly understandable

You will be okay in the long term. In the short term, you're going to be all over the place: angry, sad, in denial, devastated and most of all in the first few minutes/hours/days/weeks: panic stricken.

You're not going mad. You're a woman under immense pressure, and has the added worry of looking after three (one) young child/ren.

You're amazing, managing that. The proof is in the pudding: he couldn't/wouldn't/didn't even begin to cope.

As bad as you feel right now - you're still doing great. Come here, cry your heart out, rage but most of all: he's past tense. No begging/raging emails/texts.

Other pragmatic advice: You don't state what your husband earns/whether you own your own home, etc, etc. As soon as you can, get yourself a quick (and usually free) solicitor's appointment. This does not mean you are getting a divorce, but it is the best tonic for understanding what the future holds financially.

For me personally, that was the best tonic in reducing the anxiety of the situation.

Finally, if you haven't told everyone you know already - tell them now. Parents, friends, acquaintances - the lot. It is the kindness of others, not those you expect support from, that is truly amazing in all this.

Take care, keep posting. You're not alone - and you're doing okay.