Who can protect the children?

[foolonthehill]

It's long, I'm sorry.

3 years ago I threw out my emotionally, verbally and occasionally physically abusive (to me and 4DC) husband. 6 months later after sustained bad behaviour with the DC I withdrew physical contact instead instating Skype and letter/email (he only used skype). After 20 months of this his emotional manipulation and attitude was distressing the DC (aged between 6 and 12 at the time) and I withdrew contact at their request and because I also thought it was the best thing. 3 Months of bliss and happy children ensued. I expected him to pursue via the courts, which he did, eventually.

The court process was long, drawn out and included many interim orders and a finding of fact where I was granted a residence order and husband and his DPs were warned by the judge for "misrepresenting" the facts and focussing on themselves rather than the needs of the children. Directions followed where contact was gradually increased from initial short supervised visits up to the "standard" every other weekend and half of the hols. Husband failed every stage, didn't turn up, misbehaved etc but this never stopped Cafcass recommending he continue on to the next stage. Eventually we got to the final order which came into force at easter this year.

Husband's behaviour has been pretty bad according to the DC. No physical violence but much emotional and verbal stuff. He finally "lost it" with our eldest who has the right to decide whether to go or not, now it's not although I am fully aware and have told DC that they don;t have to make a "forever" decision if they don;t want to.

Since eldest has withdrawn his behaviour seems worse, children are upset and unhappy they are now 8, 9 and 12.

Social services are not interested as we have been through court, cafcass are not interested as they don't think court would change the order for non physical abuse that was well documented at the finding of fact.

so please can anyone tell me...who protects the children. Or do we have to wait until they protect themselves by walking away?

and if that is the case what kind of legal system do we have that can't cope with restricting damage to small ones....at least mine are old enough to tell me what is going on, so many of you deal with younger ones.

Who protects the children? You do. I would not subject any young children to abuse and would risk being taken back to court to prevent it.

Get all of his abusive behaviour documented, even if it's just a diary of reports from your children after they have contact with him.

I'd be minded to move house and not tell anyone where I've gone. One hopes that by the time he's found you the children will be old enough to make their own decisions.

Keep records, stop making them go. It should be possible to drag out the court process as long as possible, so the kids get older and closer to an age where they can refuse to see him. Any aggressive behaviour outside contact (nasty texts/phonecalls, turning up unexpectedly at your home) log with the police, get non-molestation orders if necessary - while a court may mandate him having contact with DC, they cannot insist on him having any access whatsoever to you.

If they have to go, do all three go together? Is the journey between your home and his one that the oldest is competent to manage? (Eg a short bus or train ride, or even walkable?) If it is, perhaps you and DC could agree that if he starts being unpleasant, they all three up and leave - or perhaps you could let the eldest have a mobile in order to call the police if he tries to prevent them from doing so.

Thank you...

I appreciate you answers and I understand this ^You do. I would not subject any young children to abuse and would risk being taken back to court to prevent it.^ but i have already been back to court and the contact was INCREASED because I was labelled hostile if I end up back again the judge suggested that my RO would be jeopardised.

I don't make them go. All contact is direct from school except holiday contact. Children are as yet unable to make the decision not to go as individuals (except the oldest and even she wavers)...they all know I would support them if they chose not to go.

As those of you who have been in abusive marriages know LTB is hard and when the manipulation and cycle are inflicted on children (ages 8.9.11.13)they are caught up into the hope and wish that their dad will be there for them and good for them. They don;t necessarily understand that the bad feelings and low self esteem etc. come from his behaviour.

he is wiley and too wise to be caught threatening or abusing me...too many previous counts. If you met him you would swear he was a gracious and kind dad who had been prevented from having a relationship with his DC by a malevolent and hard woman.

my best hope was the court and cafcass, but they are determined that he has contact

All 4 went together until this week. Now all 3 younger ones are there.
It is just a little too far for an easy walk but not impossible for the eldest and maybe DC2 but probably too complicated for the younger 2.

We have safety planned for his house and they have 2 nearer bolt holes that they could go to if necessary. Son has a mobile just for Dad's house (really small flip up phone so can be kept unobtrusively in a pocket). Younger 2 know this and have memorised my number and know childline and police number.

What an awful situation for you to be in it must be heartbreaking. Is there any chance your children would make a disclosure to a teacher or another trusted adult who could raise the issue with social services. So it's not you being 'hostile' but coming from elsewhere.

I'm so sorry you and your children have been so badly let down. Would there be any merit in approaching your MP?

I'm so sorry: sounds like you fell foul of a misogynist judge. It's good that they have boltholes and a mobile - it sounds like they are as protected as possible and maybe it's better for them to realise for themselves what a wanker he is rather than having him reappear later full of sob stories that might damage their relationship with you or even each other.

I agree with anomaly that it may be worth getting other people on your side as a way of building a bigger case than just Social Services. Teachers, doctors, a solicitor with more experience of Domestic Abuse etc. If the children are distressed or upset, is it coming out in their behaviour at school? at home? Any evidence of stress such as bed-wetting or nightmares?

Thank you

I think you are right,I will have to play the longer game.....get others to notice what is happening and hope the children see it too. (I am fortunate they are not without insight).

The irony is that 3 years ago SS were involved and super helpful in supporting me to get out and protect the children. They were quite lucid about the dangers and damage that could be done.

The positives for the DC are that we have good schools and friendships here.

On a lighter note my sol said we only had the second most misogynistic and unpredictable judge which given that we were listed for the first most misogynistic and unpredictable could be seen as a result

MIsogynistic judges endangering children is sadly not that uncommon. THere was an awful, awful thread a while ago where the father was quite probably sexually abusing the child, yet a woman-hating judge had mandated that any rebellion from the mother would lead to the father getting full custody!