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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what should I do??

20 replies

princesscallie · 29/08/2014 12:01

Hi there everyone..long time lurker but need some advice so said id take the plunge and ask. Okay here goes..

I met my dh 10 yrs ago..we are married for 3 yrs and have a 1 yr old dd. We had a great relationship all along. After we got married we went through a bit of a rough patch and I must admit I was beginning to wonder had I made a terrible mistake but we fixed things and we were gettin on great again.

Then after we had our baby again there was alot of arguing but apparently this is normal. Again things returned to normal and we started gettin on much better. However things between us changed. We used to say I love u every night but one night I noticed it was me who was sayin it every time so I stopped saying it to see if he would and now we never say it. As time has gone on we seem more like housemates than partners. We split the bills and I do all the housework. I work alot less hours than dh so I dont mind this but im gettin resentful of pickin up after him all the time.

I also hate the fact that we dont have any intimate touches or moments anymore. However we still have sex but its just physical from my point of view anyway...no cuddles afterwards always straight to sleep..

Also when we talked about kids and that we bith said we'd like two. However my husband then decided after our little girl was born he was happy with just her. Id love another child at some point in the future. Obv not right now. Im worried that ill end up resenting im if we dont have anymore kids. Although much worse than that im back wondering if I made a mistake marrying him. We are very different. I love to chat to people and he hates small talk. I had a family function recently which he didn't attend and I really enjoyed it as I was free to mingle without him lookin pissed off. He just does not like my family so rarely attends things amd its gettin embarrassing as they are always asking for him and where is he.

Can anyone giv me some advice. Im not 30 yet so should I try fix my marriage or cut it loose and try start again...I feel sick even typin that but im so confused.

Any advice would be great...

OP posts:

MRSF2B2014 · 29/08/2014 12:50

Hello,

I don't really know what to say, but didn't want to read and run - I haven't been in this kind of situation.

I think you need to talk about your feelings, maybe he just doesn't realise that anything has changed and he has upset you.

Could you organise a baby sitter and spend some quality time with one and other, go out for the day and just talk.

Lweji · 29/08/2014 13:03

This is where you talk to him about your marriage seems to have stagnated and how unfair the workload at home is.

I think you need to let go a bit of him socialising, as people are all different, but if he is moody at home and lets the relationship slip and takes you for granted, then he needs to know that eventually he will lose you.

Original poster

princesscallie · 29/08/2014 13:15

Thanks for the replies ladies. We have talked a little bit about how we both feel so he knows that things have changed between us. When I asked him did he still love me he replied he always would but we havent been in love for a while. Whichbi suppose is probably a fair answer.

He also said that he feels I dont really like him and I nag him all the time. I try not to nag but sometimes nits hard to do everything and I do feel like his mother constantly pickin up after him.

OP posts:

Original poster

princesscallie · 29/08/2014 13:17

Also I wouldn't say he's moody at home its more me being moody but from the time he gets in after work he has his head stuck in his phone...he even ignores our daughter when shes looking for him kuz hes browsing online

OP posts:

maddy68 · 29/08/2014 13:17

I think you need to talk properly.

LEMmingaround · 29/08/2014 13:20

It all changes when the children come along. Is it any wonder? Its hard. It was a massive shock to me and dp having dd2 (dd1 for him) after 15 years together. It nearly split us up. That and the associated financial hardship.

Dd2 is 9 now. It never got back to how it was. Our relationship is stronger in some ways. The romance if thats what you call it is slowly coming back as dd becomes more independent.

You need to tell him but try and phrase it positively so that it doesn't sound like criticism. So "i loved it when we did x. Maybe we should make an effort do try that again". Start telling him you love him again. Be affectionate -you have got out of the habit.

As far as the socialising goes i think you have to suck that up. I used to drag dp out with me. Poor sod hated it. I much prefer doing my own thing however im more of a home body these days.

Maybe he is finding things hard too -you say he no longer wants more children. So talk to him. Behonest but make it about both of you. Not just what he isn't doing any more.

LEMmingaround · 29/08/2014 13:22

As for the being in love? Well nows a good time to fake it til you make it!

Vivacia · 29/08/2014 13:23

I agree, you need to have a proper talk and make some firm plans about what needs to happen next. And listen to each other, listen to what each needs from the other.

I think you need to be very specific too.

Original poster

princesscallie · 29/08/2014 13:32

Our plan is to see how it goes.. not good enough is it????

OP posts:

Original poster

princesscallie · 29/08/2014 13:35

Also he spends alot of time at home now doin exercise..weights running and such..not sure if this is to avoid havin to spend time with me or not but i do get bored and lonely in evenings when baby os in bed...

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 29/08/2014 13:39

So he's not IN love with you anymore.
Intimacy has stopped.
He's attached to his phone.
He doesn't like your family.
He calls you a 'nag'.
He lets you 'pick up after him'.
He won't do his fair share of domestic chores.

I can see why you are confused and struggling to see a future with this man.

Could you attend couples counselling and see if anything can be re-kindled?

By the way, lots of things in that list would have me checking up on him.

LEMmingaround · 29/08/2014 13:42

Well thats what we did really. We carried on. It wasn't just a case of going stale if we got through a weekend without killing each other that was a good weekend! But what can you actually DO ?

Tell him to cut the gym. Try to get him more involved with the baby. It sounds like he is finding fatherhood difficult. Force that on him -have a regular night out.gym. swimming. Bingo whatever floats yourboat so that he has to do bedtime. He will be stressed at first but will be good bonding for him .

I think give it some time. Rethink in six months?

LEMmingaround · 29/08/2014 13:44

Of course if he wont meet you half way then you have deeper isdues but sometimes you have to ride the storm. Together!

Original poster

princesscallie · 29/08/2014 13:48

Well hellsbellsmelons we still do have sex...its just its almost like havin sex with a stranger. No cuddles or thay after. Just sleeping. There is no way he would attend couples counselling..just wont happen. I dont think hes cheating or anything like that because he doesn't really go out a huge amount and is still home at the same time in the evenings. So not sure when hed have time.

Lemmingtonaround we have the gym in our home so its not as of he has to go anywhere so doubt he'll cut it out. He's on a weightloss buzz at the minute so he wants to keep it up.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 29/08/2014 14:04

You really need to be more specific, otherwise nothing will change other than perhaps drift apart.

What about saying,

One night a week when he doesn't work out or go online and you both go out for a meal. Or cook a new recipe together and dine at the table and talk.
One evening a week "dad and daughter" time (I know, I know) where he does everything domestic and when you go out and do something for you. Could be just two hours.
No sex for 6 weeks. 5 minutes cuddling and chatting in bed every night.

Original poster

princesscallie · 29/08/2014 14:19

It would only b 2 hours as he only gets home from work 2hrs b4 bed time..we just had a 6 week sex break due to a medical condition so dont fancy that again

OP posts:

Lweji · 29/08/2014 14:24

What I would say to him in no uncertain terms is that he is on a path to lose you if he keeps assuming you'll pick up after him and won't contribute at home, and if he keeps ignoring you.

Let him come up with a solution, but seeing how it goes or just riding may be dangerous as you become more and more resentful.
He should see the house, the DC and the relationship as his responsibility as well.
But you may need to be very upfront and clear about your expectations and your boundaries in that respect.

Vivacia · 29/08/2014 15:29

It would only b 2 hours as he only gets home from work 2hrs b4 bed time..we just had a 6 week sex break due to a medical condition so dont fancy that again

But you don't seem to fancy the kind of sex you're currently having, so you have to change it somehow (but obviously a 6 week absence is not going to work for you).

LEMmingaround · 29/08/2014 16:22

I meant cut back not cut out. Sorry. Could you work out with him?

Original poster

princesscallie · 29/08/2014 23:26

Thanks for all ur suggestions earlier. Ill sit down and talk to him again and see what we can come up with. He had training tonight and i must say i was dreading him coming home. Not good is it... just am tired of all the awkwardness..

OP posts:

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