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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Time to let go for good?

42 replies

blueeyedbabe7 · 29/08/2014 08:59

Hi all, long story short, i think its time to let go of my partner once and for all, we have been together a number of years but its been tough for a while he says it comes down to his job, he got promoted about 2 years ago and pretty much lives at work. It gives him no right to treat me so bad though, he talks to me vile and has been violent, we stupidly recently went on a family holiday with our dc it went well but as soon as we were back he talked me down again, people around me do not understand why i put up with his childish moods and the way he is. He recently rang a councillor but told me he couldnt tell them that he hit me or they would get ss involved so im not sure him seeing one now is not enough as they dont know the full story. My mind is made up i think about telling him its over for good , how do i go about this ?

OP posts:

Report

blueeyedbabe7 · 02/09/2014 16:29

Thanks. I do feel abit more positive about it now. He is not going to accept we are over though, he may not get physical i dont know, but he txts me about 30 times a day maybe more, he isnt just going to stop all this.

OP posts:

blueeyedbabe7 · 03/09/2014 09:54

Has anyone ever gave them one last chance? i was sure i was strong enough to stick to my decision but he has been nice the last few days i know it may be to get me back but i cant help think of all the good times we had together.

OP posts:

Adarajames · 03/09/2014 10:49

He will revert to type and be awful again, don't think about second chances, he doesn't deserve it and you don't deserve staying one more minute in awful situation!
As for the texts, get a new number, keep old one for if you have to make contact arrangements, no need for any other contact with him!

Lweji · 03/09/2014 10:54

Has anyone ever gave them one last chance

Yes, and I regretted it.

His over the top niceness is just another way to control you and get you back in line.
I would bet that he will quickly change to violent and obviously abusive when he sees that you are not falling for it.

So, be careful and plan so that you are safe when leaving.
If you can get him to leave so that you can work things out, the better, but you really should be prepared to be the one to leave if he doesn't.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/09/2014 10:54

So he's been nice to you these past few days?. It means nothing really, this is part of the nice/nasty cycle that abusers do very well and an attempt to draw you back into his control. It is a continuous cycle - google the cycle of abuse.

Do not give him any more chances because he will put you back in that cage he has designed for you of his own making; he does not deserve your consideration at all now.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/09/2014 11:13

Of course lots of abused women give their abusers many chances.
An abuser cannot change without some serious outside help.
They need to go through a programme and it usually takes well over a year.
Even then the success rate is approx 30%.
30% learn to abuse in a different way and the remainder just can't change.
And while going through this process they can't be in the relationship with their 'victim' until they have successfully completed the programme.
So either way, you need to separate.

He's currently doing his 'Dr. Jekyll' bit - charm and loveliness to get to drawn in and back into line.
Mr Hyde will be along soon. Don't ever doubt that for 1 minute!

Look at this for a domestic violence statistic in the US!
Number of U.S. troops killed in Afghanistan and Iraq: 6,614:
Number of women, in the same period, killed as the result of domestic violence in the US: 11,766

blueeyedbabe7 · 03/09/2014 18:40

i know your all right, im just finding it tough atm, im trying to cut down contact but like i said he still txts me most the day etc

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Adarajames · 03/09/2014 21:01

Change your number so he can't keep texting you, only switch on old number if you need to sort contact re kids, but even that you could make go through lawyer so you don't have to have direct contact

Lweji · 03/09/2014 21:13

I ended up not reading his txts and only replied to emails. And I told him so.

Even the emails were redirected to a separate folder. I still only look at it when I need to.

I have only kept texts so that I could show them to the police and for custody purposes.

Lweji · 03/09/2014 21:13

That amount of texting is abusive in itself if not wanted.
You could have a case for harassment, actually. You just need to tell him to stop it.

blueeyedbabe7 · 04/09/2014 10:56

i dont know what to do, he txts me really weird stuff like he wants to know if im tired am i going to go bed etc? this is all when is at work, i dont know what to do atm feeling confused and down about it all, i went to the supermarket yest and just stood there because i couldnt think what i had gone for.

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Lweji · 04/09/2014 11:16

Even if you need to have contact about the children, I think it's time to go through a third party and tell him to stop or you'll contact the police for harassment, or block him or change numbers.
It is messing with your head, so it's damaging for you.

blueeyedbabe7 · 04/09/2014 13:28

i know its getting me down. i need to stick to my decision its just so hard going to get real life help too so hopefully things will get better.

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captainmummy · 04/09/2014 14:28

He is after control, op. The texts wanting to know what you're doing/feeling are all control, so you don't knwo whether you're coming or going.

Please dn't fall for the 'nice' act - no-one, even Hitler, was Bad, Evil, Manipulative all the time. Of course he was nice sometimes; with Eva maybe.... Anyway, it's all designed to make you doubt yourself, that it's not bad all the time

Have you phoned Womens Aid?

blueeyedbabe7 · 04/09/2014 18:29

i know, i wish we could all the good stuff back. But then i remember how low i felt when the bad stuff happened. i talked to them breifly yes

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Hissy · 09/09/2014 14:21

The good stuff was all lies love, used to keep you hooked. he is abusing you. even now you have ended it, he's still abusing you.

STICK TO YOUR DECISION

Hissy · 09/09/2014 14:21

The good stuff was all lies love, used to keep you hooked. he is abusing you. even now you have ended it, he's still abusing you.

STICK TO YOUR DECISION

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