Nagging my DH - can we overcome this

[Flingmoo]

We've both been a bit lazy with housework in the past, we met and lived together as students and it was only when we purchased our first house together in January that we really started having a lovely clean and tidy house that doesn't need a massive clean up mission before someone visits. In order to achieve this I did spend a lot of time and energy toward the end of my pregnancy having clear outs, organising spare rooms etc. DH was never particularly supportive in this respect but I put up with it anyway. Even organised his home office (which he designated himself without asking when we moved in) just for him to wreck it again in no time like a teenage boys bedroom.

Now we have a 3mo PFB and I'm doing most of the housework although DH does help here and there. Have managed to persuade him to allow us to hire a fortnightly cleaner to give us both a break. (He didn't like the idea at first - a trust issue more than a financial one)

So I'm reasonably happy with the amount of domestic chores he does for now. The issue is that he is such a messy person and I am always nagging him about this. What else can I do? I try just asking nicely "please can you hang up your coat when you come home and stick your bag in the spare room instead of dumping both these things in the hallway?". I've asked so many times and he always just says "oh yes sorry" but never changes! Grr! I don't want to be a nag but why should I put up with his mess when I work so hard to keep the place tidy?! Equally why should I have to nag him like a teenager - one DS is enough for now thank you very much!

It's all the little things that build up to irritate me so much - leaving socks on floor not in linen basket, leaving letters lying around, never putting away used drinking glasses without being asked etc. I am tempted to blame his upbringing as I'm sure his mum never got him to do any household chores and seems to wait on her children hand and foot.

What's a gal to do?!? sigh

Leave it and don't do anything... Literally nothing to do with tidying his mess or washing his clothes, allow it to build, just make sure you are patient enough for him to break before you.

Or

Do something that you know annoys him equally as much.

Or

Any mess he makes just sling it outside, his socks, bag, coat, anything he leaves lying around.

I moved things to a place where they would annoy him - so onto his side of the sofa, bed, dining room chair etc. Rather than putting them away. It made him see that leaving it out just made an extra job for himself. Took a couple of days but did the trick.

Put it all in his side of the bed. My DH is messy too, but if I do this he improves for a few weeks. When he moans, ask him why he thinks it's appropriate to treat you and your home with disrespect.

Putting aside the fact that it is so unbelievably rude to behave like this, and how on earth do men expect their wives to want to have sex with them when they treat them like skivvies...?.....

...I would just continually dump all his crap under the bedclothes on his side of the bed, thereby forcing him to deal with it, instead of you. That includes crockery, glasses, food, whatever.

Genuinely leave it for him to deal with, whilst also living in a tidy environment. Win win. And you never know. The message might eventually seep in.

The trouble is that you've changed and expect him to do the same.

Messy people don't see a problem with living as messy people so suggestions of leaving him to do things won't be likely to help as he won't see a problem to fix.

Therefore it's all about changing his perception to match with your newly gained perspective.

I've been through this with my DH and we are current going through another period of adjustment as I've gone from SAHM who did it all to now doing more hours than he does.

I tried explaining things in terms if his work, so that he could relate. I told him I hated being at home because although home for him is a place to relax, all I see is the work I need to do. I asked him to imagine how he'd feel if he'd done something at work and a colleague screwed it up through lack of care, how would he feel?

By explaining in that way and trying to get him to understand that's it's not a perfect house I'm after, just to feel that work is done and I too can relax, we got there. Just need to work out the finer details of what's fair in who does what.

Good luck!

I would sit down and have a very serious conversation about how you are not his fucking mother, and you shouldn't have to TELL him to do exceptionally basic things, like hanging a coat up when he gets in. You are not "doing him a favour" by cleaning up, it isn't somehow part of your job description. It isn't somehow something which is inherently more exciting to you because you have ovaries. You do it because it's stuff that NEEDS to be done in order to have a tidy, clean home. A home which he also lives in. Tell him you expect him to start pulling his weight because you are getting tired of being treated like a housekeeper.

Then if he keeps doing it, I would start hiding them for a few days. So if coat goes on the floor, and not in the cuboard, then it gets put in his "office" when he isn't looking. Bag gets put under the sofa or in a cuboard.

Then when he wants it he will have to hunt for it.

If he gets irritated ask him how he thinks you feel after YEARS of this shit.

I believe in

a) setting expectations
b) providing consequences of non-compliance
c) reviewing progress and following through with consequences when appropriate

I have a 14yo son and this is how I'm approaching household chores. He has various responsibilities and is expected to meet them. The 'consequences' in his case are that we enjoy an evening session at the driving range and, if he hasn't held up his side of the bargain, we don't have time to do that. No nagging and I'm not claiming 100% success but you get the gist....

OP you need to get the book wifework and then both you and your DH need to read it. It helped my DH get it without the 'nagging'.

Hmm Anomaly I had that book as well and I never got round to reading it fully - I think I chucked it out to charity during one of my big clear outs before baby arrived! I wonder if I could convince DH to read it... He doesn't normally bother with books other than textbooks! Thanks for the input guys. I don't want to enrage him by doing the under the bedcovers trick, don't want to add more tension, although I have been driven to that in the past. Maybe I'll just try the "serious chat" approach again with a mild threat of doing so... Or does it need the element of surprise?

kaykayblue That's exactly what I'm always trying to explain to him - it's not like I inherently love cleaning and tidying just because I'm a woman - I hate it as much as the next person!

Joysmum I know what you mean about messy people... The trouble is if I went on strike he probably wouldn't really notice that much because like you say, he's a messy person, it would probably not bother him. In fact he'd probably be happy as he'd assume he can be let off the hook too.

In the past I've found that keeping my own stuff as meticulously tidy as possible has some positive effect on him as it's like setting a good example... However it doesn't completely work. We have seen some improvement over the past 5 years of being a couple though - washing up now gets done straight after dinner at least...

I've had this, I think you should present him with the option of upping the cleaner's hours specifically to tidy up after him, tot up how many times you do x every day and show him over a week what you're doing. Either he does it, the cleaner gets paid to do his share and/or you have to drop your standards a bit. My dc1 is a constant mess machine btw, much worse than dh.

Put everything into a large cardboard box on the floor in his study.

Only wash the things that go into the laundry basket. Actually - don't do his laundry at all unless you feel that it would be a fair division of labour both inside and outside the home.

When your DC starts crawling and toddling his things are going to get destroyed, not to mention the fact that leaving stuff around will be dangerous.

A previous poster had this problem and she gathered up all his mess, including washing up, after he went to bed at night and put it in his car.

I think he just drove to work every day with it just mounting up.

She didn't care because she didn't have to look at it any more.

I was going to tell you I got this sorted by piling my DH's crap on his side of the bed - either on the bed or on his side of the bed where I couldn't see it / it didn't bother me. However, if he is getting enraged when you put his crap in a place where it inconveniences him, as opposed to you, it would seem to me that you have a bigger issue on your hands. That isn't not seeing mess or having to be 're-trained', it is actually believing that it is your job to clean up after him / you don't matter as much as him.

Recurring message! Stick his crap under the duvet on his side of the bed. Works for my sister. Socks, mainly. Not a lovely thing to come to bed to. Mmmm... Fresh.