Am i overreacting here or is this abuse?

[EMZ2014]

This is my first time ever reaching out to a talk group, but I just needed some objective advice to come to terms with whether i'm overreacting here , or if I am in fact in an emotionally abusive relationship and need to get out!

I have been with my OH for almost 13 years, we have 2 children aged 9 and 6 and have recently moved area and bought a house.

for as long as I can remember the relationship has been very one sided, i am the one responsible for everything - children, housework, bills, getting things done around the house. On top of this i have a very demanding full time job. My OH shows no affection unless he wants sex, spends no quality time with me or with the family as a whole and doesn't answer to anyone. basically he has his cake and eats it! there is no cooperation or communication here and i have let him get away with it. Over the years when i have tried to talk to him about how these things are starting to get me down and unhappy. he ignores me, refuses to talk and says that he "isnt the one that has a problem", "what is there to talk about" - "well just go and do what you like then"

so years on i am resentful, emotionally drained, and now disengaging from the relationship myself, i cant speak to him because it gets me no where, i don't want to sleep with him because i feel i am being used. How can my feelings not be worth talking about, but you want me to roll over and entertain YOU!

I wont bore you with the specific dramas we have been through, but believe you me - nothing has ever been resolved - in this relationship it seems to be put up or shut up. he does what he likes and yet i have to ask for any help or support (which rarely comes) He is text book passive aggressive! i am a very strong women but this is now takings its toll on me and my kids!

the question is.... am i overreacting, is this normal? and if its time to go, anyone had any experience leaving a man who you own a house with if he refuses to even talk about it. His ability to flip scares the hell out of me and this could throw him over the edge.

thanks for listening, just writing this has helped :)

No, I don't think that you are over-reacting.

You are starting to work through the feelings you have for what has turned out to be a pretty shit relationship, from which you get nothing much. Hope you are ok.

Thanks LineRunner .... Im ok thanks, I guess I have been dealing with this for a very long time and so have hardened to it. Just needed to get this out there and start convincing myself to get out. thanks :)

No it's not normal, not even slightly.
You wouldn't treat him like this. No reason you should accept it in return.

His ability to flip scares the hell out of me and this could throw him over the edge. .....if you feel you're at risk, a word with Women's Aid will be helpful.
It sounds as if you may be. :(

Remember you can end a relationship for any reason, you don't have to wait for abuse to happen, or be confirmed.

I sometimes wish there was a way we could spend an hour or two in other people's lives so we could see how different our own are.

I am married 20 years and together more than that. We have had our ups and downs - about who was contributing what, who was stressed, we had a major issue about where we would live and resolving that one still resonates.

but during all this time, sometimes fighting, mostly happy, we have always consciously been a team of the 2 of us. Always wanting the other person to be happy and both of us working so that would happen (as well as our own happiness). We also have also maintained a good sense of humour through all the ups and downs - so no matter what happens we can have a laugh.

What I am saying is you should feel happy in your home and happy in your relationship no matter what else is going on. Loads of us achieve this every day, not because we are special but because we are 2 people who want each other to be happy and are prepared to put a bit of effort and thought into achieving that. That is a regular relationship. It doesn't sound like you have that.

Whatever name you put to it, it sounds miserable to me.

Do you have RL support? Because abusive men often manage to separate their partners from friends and family, which makes it even harder to identify that something is wrong and get out of the situation.

If that is the case, maybe you need to start rebuilding your social networks.

You are not over-reacting. I had a long marriage until my DH died. It wasn't always smooth - but that's the nature of RL challenges. The one thing we always held onto was that we were a team and we worked together. What was happening to one was happening to the other. Sometimes I was stronger and shouldered the burden; other times DH was stronger and held me up. Communication with each other was the key.

You don't seem to have any sense of equality and sharing in your life.

Do you feel that you are really at the end of your tether? If so, you do not have to stay in a relationship that is draining you of self-esteem.

You have recently undergone a number of changes which challenge the strongest of couples. But if you think it won't get better then you need to think about how you and DCs get a better quality of life.

His ability to flip scares the hell out of me and this could throw him over the edge.

This is a really telling sentence. Nobody should live like that - and your DCs learn about relationships from the way that you both interact with each other.

Seek advice from Women's Aid: PHONE: 0808 2000 247

You do not have to be physically abused in order to ring that number. You are being abused in several ways.

Keep posting here and there will be lots of wise people who will help you. The decision will always be yours, but sometimes listening to other experiences and the shared wisdom of others might help you to get your own feelings and mind sorted.

Poor you. I would say he is a pig of a man - but when you say you are scared to death of his temper, that's something else entirely. It is domestic abuse.

So, no, you're not overreacting, you're under-reacting.

As sadwidow says, contact Women's Aid to get essential support - legal, emotional, practical - and get a strategy in place to get out safely. Lines are busy during the day, sadly, so called between 7pm and 7am. Apart from anything else, it is so bad for your kids to be in this environment: do it for them if you can't do it for yourself.

You won't know yourself when you make the break from this brute. He is a horrible bully

Email WA if you can't call during the night - they will get back to you. Make sure you include times they can safely call you. Make sure he doesn't have access to your emails and delete your search history, including here.

I am one who got out of an abusive relationship (I wasn't hit) with the invaluable support of wonderful Women's Aid. I'm not the only one by a long chalk. Domestic abuse is no respecter of persons.

He's definitely behaving very selfishly and contemptuously. My personal definition of when 'bad behaviour' turns into 'abusive behaviour' is when the behaviour is repeated, sustained, deliberate and designed to manipulate, crush or intimidate the other party into acting in a particular way. What he has gained by his selfish actions - if I'm reading it right - is a wife that has been 'conditioned' ('groomed' if you want a more emotive word) to do everything, say nothing and demand nothing. Which I suppose was the object of the exercise. That you say you feel drained, ground down and unhappy also suggests that the behaviour is abusive. It will be affecting your DCs to witness this.

I'm glad you've had enough. If you are seriously thinking about divorce and you are anticipating that he will not cooperate then please seek legal advice, explain the problem, understand your rights, and see what they suggest. You may not be able to get him to leave the house immediately but you certainly don't need his permission to start a divorce.

Good luck

Cogito had it so very right, EMZ

Your post reminds me horribly of my exP. He turned positively psycho after fulfilling the sustained and deliberate manipulation, crushing etc

Like you, if I had a problem with x,y,or z then the problem was mine. If he had a problem with something then it was also my problem as I was at fault. But that was ok because he was the older, life-experienced and liberated one, he would teach me the world according to himself. Or ignore me til I came to my senses and realised he was innately right.. *shudder

Perhaps it's time to re-shape your life-path ... how does it feel if you think about not being with him any more?

Thank you all for replying! just having confirmation that this isn't normal was what I really needed to hear.

I have close friends and parents who have tried getting through to me before but I am a pretty strong willed person and they have backed off. thankfully I have told them where I am at now and they are ready to support me.

Thanks for the advice about contacting womens aid, I have done that and now plan to meet a support worker to discuss how I move forward.

I have definitely reached the point where I can imagine myself without him tipsytrifle, its just trying to do so in a way that is safe for me and affects my children the least. I feel like I have at least taken the first step.... the next few days are due to be bumpy but I just need to keep myself focused on what I want and not slip back into putting up!

Good luck. You can do it. Though, as WA have probably told you already, leaving an arsehole can be a dangerous time - a controlling man may become much more aggressive and determined if he detects his control slipping. Try and keep your behaviour as normal as possible while you make your plans - but if he does become aggressive (locking you in, damaging objects, forcing sex on you, pushing and shoving) report it to the police. The more documented evidence of bad behaviour you have, the better.

Talking on here, meeting WA support worker, all this tips the balance slowly but surely. It just does: you learn things you can't unlearn iyswim.

Well done. You won't let him know what you are planning, will you? Please don't. It is the danger point for women who are leaving abusers - he has already flexed his muscles re potential violence ( or why would you be terrified when he loses his temper?). Please don't think he wouldn't resort to violence- the majority if women who have been harmed (I'm trying to put it softly but it's the 2 every week statistic) didn't expect it either.

Whilst my OH has never hit me or anything like that he has on two occasions intimidated me to the point where I thought I wasn't getting out of the situation unharmed! I had never expected that until this point!

I have come to terms with the fact that this is just as unacceptable as hitting me and it seems to have had the same effect.

Womens Aid did ask me about these two occasions in detail to get a picture of whether I am at risk, they made me very aware that one thing we are certain of about him is that we don't know how he will react - I guess best practice is to assume the worst to make sure I am prepared.

He does know what's coming, this all came to a head on Monday, I came home from my mums house where I had been with my children for a few days so I could work from home whilst she watched them (couldn't find childcare near home)

we hadn't been able to reach him for 3 days by phone, so i was worried about him, when i got home he was there and just said his phone was broke and he'd been away, apparently timbucktoo so he said(excuse spelling). he refused to acknowledge he was in the wrong and said he had called me at 2am Friday but i didn't answer implying its my fault i didn't know he was gong away with friends. Now getting quite upset, i asked why he couldn't find any way of making contact, he has stonewalled me ever since. I said we need to talk the next day and he just said "for what" he said why consult me, do what you have to do , you make a decision then tell me.

we have pretty much ignore each other since and i have just been planning how to finally make the break. last night at 23:00 as i sat on the sofa where i have slept since Monday, he popped his head around the door and said "so whats your decision" i said look we need to talk, he refuses just wants the decision. I kinda want to just tell him what i have decided but imn ot sure what reaction i am going to get TBH.

sorry lots of detail but just wanted to explain that this is very much out in the open with him, now its just about how i get through to him to get some sense of agreement

He really does seem to have opted out of the relationship and I suspect its so he can blame you for everything. I wonder if that is what he has always done in times of crisis?
Your OH reminds me of a friend's husband who does disturb me a bit - it's the passivity with an aggressive "don't give a shit if I hurt you" undercurrent and it's quite sinister. Friend's H, apart from working, appears to contribute nothing to the relationship. And like your man refuses to acknowledge your feelings. Is also starting to demonstrate the beginnings of hatred (calling her fat, making comments under the breath, calling her stupid, bitch, ignoring her etc) which I can also see in your OP. It's not normal, it's not loving and you are doing the right thing to take action.

You have to work on the basis that you are not going to get his agreement or cooperation. You have to assume that he is going to be hostile and unpredictable. I would strongly suggest that you make sure you and your DCs are safe before telling him your decision and follow that up very quickly with the practical/legal aspects of the split. You do not need his permission and you are under no obligation to tell him face to face, put it that way.

Echo what Cogito said. By refusing to evenengage in a conversation about it, he is leaving the door open for you to say it and then suffer the consequences for it being "your fault". He sounds awful and unpredictable.

I think Cogito is right (as always, she helped me and so many others in this kind of situation), Leave, get safe and then tell him, then legal advice.

Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time. Stay safe. Don't give him the benefit of the doubt. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best

It sounds like he wants you to do the splitting so that he can blame you, but this is not certain in any way.
My ex used to threaten to leave, but got very upset indeed when I did leave.

If pushed you could start talking to him about a possible trial separation and see how he reacts. If necessary, backtrack like crazy and offer all sorts of possibilities, including a period of trying to see if you can get better. But give no indication that you are about to leave.

When you are ready, just take off and then let him know, or have someone with you at the time.
Conversely, if you want to stay at home, make sure you have an injunction in place first, then change the locks and deny him access.

If it helps, I left my exH because of a serious threat he made to me and DS. He had hurt me but not seriously.
I simply walked out within a couple of hours of the threat with my purse and DS. No warning. Next thing he knew, he had the police at the door telling him I had left and had pressed charges.

You should not live in fear at home, of the person who is supposed to love you.

WA will certainly help you with a proper leaving plan. NCDV (or a solicitor) will help with an injunction, if you need one.
Make sure to ask support in real life from your friends and family. In my experience they do rally around you.

I have nothing to add to add OP which hasn't been well expressed by others on your thread. Just wanted to lend you another voice of support. Your H sounds like a prize arsehole.

EMZ there is a pattern of behaviour akin to "calculating and manipulative" which he seems to be using, with his insistence that it should be you and not him with the burden of responsibility over the decision on your relationship.

In other words, he will make you the "bad guy", putting himself as the pseudo victim, the wronged person rather than having the balls to say what's eating him up or whatever it is that makes him behave like a complete arse towards you. It could be what he has observed in him own background, how his parents talked to each other, learned behaviour, whatever, why should you have to bear the brunt of that?

Also just to highlight, if his manipulation is all about you being the one to move out of your jointly owned home, please don't fall for that game. Stay put, don't be coerced into vacating as you can be sure as night follows day its part of his plan. "... But it was your decision to leave, not mine, I gave you the choice..." riiiiiight....

If you feel in any way threatened or in danger, then get the police involved, and HE is the one who will have to jog-on, not you!

Sorry about the x-posting.