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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Really don't know what to do.

15 replies

WTAF · 28/08/2014 20:23

I've started this post a few times today but kept deleting it as don't think I want to hear the answer! But I think perhaps I need to for my sanity.

Will try and keep it as short as poss. I've been single for nearly 5 years, after DS's dad cheated and I threw him out. Met a guy by chance a bit over two months ago. All was great, things probably moved a bit fast in my head but I didn't let it show. He was great at first but soon became much less affectionate than he had been, sex still great but no kisses or cuddles or anything at any other time, which for such a new relationship I found hard to understand. I should have just asked WTF but due to low self esteem thanks to ex, I couldn't bring myself to, so I carried on, liking him but confused. He said all the right things, always texting (him, not me, I'm not a texter), asked me to be his girlfriend, etc, and everything else was good. Nothing wrong with any of the rest of it, just the lack of affection.

2 weeks ago we went to see a film and I might as well have been out with a friend. Literally no physical contact at all, from the moment he came round until we got into bed later. Then, great sex, but after straight off to sleep as usual and no kiss goodbye in the morning. I felt a bit used and just really insecure as I really liked him and although he seemed to like me, I needed him to show it. That day he was meant to come out and meet my friends but at the last minute he sent a text to apologise that he couldn't come as he had a headache. I was really upset, went out with my friends anyway, got drunk and I'm ashamed to say sent him a text to say I didn't want to see him any more. Stupid, and I regret it, but I did.

The next morning I apologised and he was still upset (totally understandable) and said he didn't know how to feel, he'd thought everything was fine. Which I thought was fair enough, so didn't contact him again. 2 days later he texted saying could we be friends. I said no, that would be too hard for me as I still have feelings, but I'd like to give it another go if he did. Got nothing back, so been getting on with life and haven't contacted him at all, no texts, nothing.

Then today (after 9 days of nothing at all) he's texted me, saying he knows I said no before but he misses me and can we be friends? I still have feelings. I don't want to say outright no in case we never speak again but don't want to say yes and get more hurt.

What do I do next?

OP posts:
Nomama · 28/08/2014 20:28

Put harshly, as I don't think being nice will help...

You either become his fuck buddy, a friend with benefits, or

You say no, not happening, delete my number.

If he can't even be arsed to go through the honeymoon period, just don't bother with him at all.

magoria · 28/08/2014 20:29

Say no.

You will be wanting much more than friendship. You didn't even have this before when you were supposed to be dating.

He may miss you but it will cause you more heartache in the long run if you say yes.

9 days is a start you are 9 days further down the road to moving on than if you reset it now.

LineRunner · 28/08/2014 20:31

I think you should completely dump him.

Life without affection is a stark desert.

ftmsoon · 28/08/2014 20:33

I think you need to talk face to face or not at all, texting causes more problems than it solves as it's so hard to interpret.
You need to broach the subject of the lack of affection, he may not realise you feel it's an issue.
I also agree being friends is crap, you need a clean break if it is over.

WTAF · 28/08/2014 23:30

I want to just say no, can't do it. But then my friends said maybe I should say yes, meet up once, cards on the table and if he's not interested that's it. They think I'll always be wondering if I don't. I do agree with that to some degree. But I also think why pretend, I can't be his friend and I know that. Ugh. I wish he just hadn't got back in touch at all. It was so much simpler. And I wish I knew what he meant by 'friends'. And I wish I didn't still bloody like him!! So confused.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 29/08/2014 00:13

You do know what he means by 'friends'.

It's not worth it. Even if he wanted to try again he wouldn't be what you (and most people) want.

Don't go.

King1982 · 29/08/2014 00:43

I think you should leave it. You don't seem suited. He seems less touchy feely, which is fine, but not what you want.
You don't seem to communicate well with him, by saying how you feel/ what you want, he isn't going to read your mind.
Plus, in such a new relationship you are sending 'mind fuck' texts when drunk. It's not good.

Joysmum · 29/08/2014 08:11

He wants a fuck buddy. Fuck buddies are fine if both have no feelings and it's all about the sex.

You want more and being friends with him with give him what he wants but screw you up. You need to go NC to protect yourself.

Meerka · 29/08/2014 09:19

But I also think why pretend, I can't be his friend and I know that.

You know yourself what you need to do. You just don't want to believe it.

kaykayblue · 29/08/2014 09:33

Yep. He basically wants a fuck buddy.

It seems like this is how he has been treating you anyway to be honest. No affection other than sex??? Men aren't stupid. You can't treat a woman like that and then be "surprised" when she gets pissed off.

Likewise, he is willing to go to the cinema with you (but not touch you!) and have sex afterwards, but he doesn't want to socialise with your friends. He doesn't want to actually be involved with your life in any way.

Could you go to a bar with this guy and his new girlfriend, and not feel sad, or jealous or upset? If the answer is no then you can't be friends.

It would just hurt you.

Also, why would you even want to be friends with someone who has treated you like this...?

Mrwillywonkasbitch · 29/08/2014 09:37

He's using u he prob txt you after 9 days cos he wanted a shag, tell him to do one

mrsbrownsgirls · 29/08/2014 09:41

text him back and ask " do you mean you want me as your friend or as your girlfriend?"

LEMmingaround · 29/08/2014 09:44

No!!! Block his number. He makes you feel crap. Even IF something developed between you other than shagging do you really want a life without affection?

As the great ms jones would say "he is an emotional fuckwit"

You deserve better

piratecat · 29/08/2014 09:46

Meerka got it right.

you are nine days ahead here and should carry on. hold out for the one who makes you happy.

WTAF · 29/08/2014 21:57

You're all right. He asked me today to go for a drink with him soon. I said no, too soon for me to be friends. He just said ok. If he wanted more he had the chance to say so. Not going to reply to the 'ok'. I feel crap about it but think it's best for my sanity. At least it's doing wonders for the diet!!

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