Discovered my DH has serious cocaine habit please help

[pelicanary369]

Hello. Am sort of new here and looking for help/support. Found out 6 weeks ago that DH has a serious cocaine habit. Was mortified and devastated, although it explained
all his bizzare behaviour, lack of money and a ton of other things which had been going on for at least 2 years. I never knew he was an user of any sort. I have been busy having 2 kids close together so have
two under 3. I asked him to leave and within the week he moved out to live with a friend. He has been returning to the house to see the children daily and has been relatively ‘normal’ , claiming to have quit completely.
I have played very hard ball with him, initially telling him it was over forever. I went to see my GP and told her the truth. She told me that if it was her, she would support her husband.
My primary concern has been to protect the children. I also dont want him to die so I kicked him out hoping he would come to his senses quickly and beg to come home.
I’m posting because not much has happened in the way of progress. He has been to 1 counselling session. I told him 3 weeks ago I would go to marriage counselling but then we had a row and
i told him not to bother. I had come round to the idea again this week, and emailed him last night suggesting the name of a Relate counsellor...but today I was contacted by his business partner who basically told me that he goes missing all the time and that nobody knows where he goes. They are all at the end of his tether with him and want to kick him out of the business.
Am petrified due to not knowing where he goes (partner says this has been going on a long time) and not knowing if he is contemplating suicide. I am considering a private detective just to get to the truth although he never used to go out much when he was home (did it in the house would you believe) and I know from his friend that he is in most nights now.
Am in a terribly confused state and honestly dont know where to turn. My GP was v nice but had no real constructive advice. Do I just let him continue on this self destructive road and maybe deprive my kids of a father? Do I try to do more?
Our marriage has been under great strain for a long time – I thought he had a breakdown after 2nd child but now I dont know if it was the drugs.
Please can anyone advise me as I’m feeling ill with worry and feel sick every time my phone goes in case it is news about him.
Thanks.

Oh dear what a mess you poor love. Sadly your dh is an addict and it would appear that he has not yet hit rock bottom or found the consequences enough to change his behaviour and get clean. You are not responsible for him and his choices and you cannot save him! You must protect yourself and your dcs and he must be responsible for himself. Do any of his friends or family know? If he loses his job/business will your home be safe. What a self centred sod he is to be putting you all through this.

Protecting yourself and your children has to remain your number 1 priority; not him.

You cannot do anything to help him because he has to want to help his own self.

What realistically can you do to help him?. Short answer to that question is nothing. You are too close to the situation and besides which you are currently his wife. He does not want your help. You are in no way qualified to help him and I mean that most kindly. You'd be far better off employing your time and efforts on your children as well as yourself.

You cannot rescue and or save someone who does not want to be either rescued or saved. Would suggest you start divorce proceedings and move on with your lives without him in it.

He may well go onto lose you and his business partner and still continue to use cocaine afterwards. That is his choice and not one you can at all influence.

Cocaine is highly addictive. I think you first have to establish for certain that there is some sort of plan in place for him to come off it and stay off as I would doubt he has suddenly stopped.

I was addicted to codeine based paracetemol for years and became very secretive about it and It wasn't until I thought I'd nearly killed myself (carted of in an ambulance for something unrelated) that I chose to stop.

I think you have to be very firm about this and don't let him near his kids if you suspect usage. God forbid the children found his stash. He has also kept it well hidden for several years.

same advice as for gambling, the 3 C's

you did not Cause his drug addiction
You cannot Cure his drug addiction
You cannot Control his drug addiction

With regard to his addiction he is the captain of his own ship. There is NA when HE is ready for it.

You are captain of your ship though, put yourself and kids as your only priority. If your relationship can be salvaged (and you want to) i believe that will be near impossible whilst he remains a using drug addict.

hugs to you.

ukna.org/na-helpline-uk

I have no advice or experience but these people most likely will

I did contact a solicitor today but I was so upset after the conversation with his partner that I didnt go. Thanks for your support. I am in totally unfamiliar territory and whilst my family know, his dont. He has turned into a pathological liar though so goodness knows what he has told them. What he has done to us is bad enough but if he loses his livelihood it will be a disaster for us all, but mainly him. I work part time. I will simply have to work full time somehow and manage. He hasnt paid the mortgage this month or given me any money. Life is really awful at the moment and my poor kids are the real victims in this. Thanks all xx

Don't waste your money on a private detective you know all you need to know.

Why would you assume he is contemplating suicide? If you really are, contact the right emergency services and get them to look out for him.

You cannot fix him. Only he can do that. There is absolutely nothing you can do to stop a drug addict. You will just cause yourself and your DC more pain and heartache if you try.

If his business partners just contacted you he is clearly still doing it.

Losing you and the DC is not enough for him to stop. Losing his business is not enough for him to stop.

Look after yourself and your DC.

I felt compelled to reply to this.
a few years into our relationship with a 5 month old baby I found myself in the same situation as you. regular cocaine use once/twice a week and I had no idea.

I kicked him out and ended our relationship. He went properly off the rails. He was useless at work, started doing cocaine nearly every night.

A few months later we decided to try again- I'd come to terms with the lies/betrayal. We started 'dating' but living apart. He went to counselling alone. We went to couples counselling.

We had the following arrangements which made it possible for us to be together again-

Everyone knew about it. I couldn't keep his 'dirty secret'. Friends, family, all were told about his problem. I needed support and after all the lies I wanted honesty.

I controlled all the money, and still do to this day. I get his payslips, bank statements, etc. Every penny is accounted for.

I brought drugs tests online. I needed to know that I could know for sure that he was off it.

He changed his number. Stopped socialising with those who also used.

And eventually we moved back in together (over 18 months later).

4 years on - I still control the finances, we both agree that cocaine is a weakness and if he felt that if he ever found himself with spare cash and after drinking alcohol he could be tempted. I still keep drugs tests in the drawer though I haven't needed to use them in years.

Its hard work. I never fully relax in social situations where alcohol is involved. I take responsibility for every penny of our money - I would feel it was my 'fault' if he one day had access to £100 and spent it on cocaine. It would be his decision to take drugs, but I would feel I had enabled it. I'm still not 100% happy with this as I know its not a healthy way for me to feel.

In my case he 100% wanted to change. He accepts that the financial side is necessary and he did everything I asked of him to prove I could trust him again. He would do a drugs test now if I asked- he doesnt complain or protest, he accepts that the situation is of his own making.
I'm not sure the trust ever comes back - I trust him with our children, other women, my life. But I know that a bit of white powder will always turn his head and I made the choice to support him in staying away from it.

Sorry very long...dont make any rash decisions. Its ok to feel cheated on, betrayed and angry. Its ok to ask him to get help and prove that he wants to change. But the age old CCC...you cant change it or cure him. He needs to do it with your support if you're willing to support him. If you're not willing to support him then thats ok too- its a long hard road and I'm not going to pretend otherwise.

OMG minney. Thank you for telling me about your experience. You are such a strong person. Everything I read tends to point towards immediate divorce and never look back. I am glad that you managed to save your relationship but I can see that it has required enormous strength from you. I'm not sure I am up to another long hard road. We have had a few of these and I am, frankly, mentally exhausted. Cocaine is evil poison. He is going to lose everything and whilst that is probably what he deserves, he is taking us down with him. Thanks all for your help x

Op you absolutely need to go into protection mode for you and your children. If you leave him it may make him worse or it may make him realise what he is going to lose. But that will be his choice and his alone! If it was me I would also make sure that I insured his life just in case he follows his threats too. Sorry if I sound heartless but his mistress is white powder and she is currently more important than you and your dcs. Stay strong op.