My relationship broke down back in June (exP broke up with me just before my birthday) and 2 months on, I thought I was doing well. Today I have been having a massive wobble and I don't know why. I very nearly texted him today but stopped myself by remembering how uncaring he was at the end.
We were together about 4 years, which doesn't seem long but I really thought he was the person I'd be with forever (often talked about marriage/kids etc). It started to break down about 18 months before it actually ended. He became obsessed with a new girl who started at his work, talked about her constantly, and I found out he was secretly texting her. All of a sudden he wanted to go to work dos when he never did before, I suspect it was to see her out of work.
Then he stopped wanting to spend time with me, never wanted to have sex. I had a cancer scare and needed treatment and he seemed completely indifferent about it, no support whatsoever. It all came to a head when he wouldn't go out with me anymore, started lying about where he went in the evenings, stopped talking about a future together, stopped even calling me/texting me (we didn't live together but spent a lot of time at each other's houses, used to sleep over every evening.) I tried so hard to get him to discuss it, to fix it but he wasn't interested.
I went totally NC after the breakup, deleted him from social media, and he texted me after a week (when it was my birthday) wishing me a happy birthday and saying he had a gift for me. The gift never materialised, it was just mind games and he was always 'busy' when I suggested meeting. Then my friend and I found his profile on a dating site (it was full of lies, making him sound like this interesting, lovely guy.) It honestly felt like a punch in the face. He had moved on so quickly and he has since added loads of these women to his Facebook so I guess they're meeting up.
It's so weird that I'm missing him now. Some weeks I feel like I hate him and couldn't care less about him. Other weeks (like now) when I'm feeling lonely, I wish I could contact him. I think it's nostalgia of the good times because at the end, it was really crappy and he would make me feel like crap all the time with his comments and indifference. This is probably TMI, but I feel really sexually frustrated too and I know the answer is to find someone new, but I can't. I've had a few men who I know are interested but I just feel numb, like I don't want anyone else. I don't really trust anyone else now, especially not in an intimate way.
I miss his family too. I had a good relationship with his sister but now she never talks to me. All his family ignored my birthday, which was hurtful. I know he's told lies about me. He bumped into a friend of mine at a party (he doesn't know we are friends) and he told her loads of lies, that I'd had no time for him and never bothered about him. It's more like the other way around, but now he has everyone feeling sorry for him.
I just wish there was a switch that could wipe my memory, like I'd never met him. Sometimes I feel like I'm over him and enjoying being single but then I have one nice memory and it takes me back to square one. At one point, I was even thinking about texting him to set up a FWB situation, before I realised that was stupid and would make me look like a doormat.
Thanks, if you've read this for. Sorry for the essay. Why do we have to have feelings?! They make things so complicated. Especially when the person you have feelings about seems to have forgotten you long ago. He has shown no sign of missing me at all and it's like 4 years meant nothing, he's on to the next conquest. How do I stop having these wobbles and start to feel happy again?