Ex husband still being awful, 6 years on. Any advice?

[Vintagecrap]

Hes still being a dick.
Its somewhat infuriating as we separated nearly 6 years ago. He is re married and has a baby on the way, you would have thought he might have better things to do with his time.

This comes off the back of him ruining half of DD's wardrobe. He had her for 2 weeks, i sent most of her wardrobe. It came back mostly dyed black, or grey, or sludge colour. He confessed to two items and said he would pay for them, i kept finding more and more as we unpacked the bags, sent him photo evidence. Since then he has declared the following:

1. there is nothing wrong with any of the clothes
2. the clothes came to him in that condition
3. The clothes never came to him, he never saw them

DD is upset as they are her fav items, she saw what happened.
I have tried explaining that any person who cared, let along father, would say sorry to her and replace the items. Hes blaming me for DD being upset, he cant understand that shes nearly 9, not 2, shes going to be upset, its her stuff, it means a lot to her.

So, i got a ton of abuse about how its my fault, how im a shit parent, how he cant wait till dd is older and can pick to live with him, and a ton of emotional abuse.

Also, he had dd for whole weeks, spanning 2 weekends. Im now off work and have DD for two weeks. I work sundays, so this is a sunday off ( coming up) and about my second sunday off in a whole year as i work them and save my holiday days to cover school holidays. Anyway, he phones up and said he wants to take DD to drayton manor, and camping for 2 nights, can he have her this weekend. I explain no, its my weekend off, i cant change it and it was booked in January. He pushes it, so i think, ok, it will be nice for DD, ask DD what she wants to do, and say yes. He tells me not to say to DD, after i had told her and asked her what she wanted to do. Turns out he was lying, no intention of taking her away, and thats why he didnt want me to say, so she didnt know.
I have said he can no longer have her since hes not taking her away and we will go back to it being my weekend. He cant make the following weekend due to work, but thats not my issue.
Again, ive been called all names under the sun, shit thrown at me.

Im just so tired of it all. He says one thing, does another. Cant see how anything he does effects DD and just uses it as sticks to beat me with. DD was upset the other week and said she hates going to his, that she can stand a weekend but no longer, and only likes it if they are going somewhere.

I just feel like im stuck, if solve the issue for me, by not sending DD with clothes, i feel like she suffers, which is awful and not fair on her at all. But i cant afford to keep replacing stuff hes trashing. I dont know why he keeps lying about stuff, though he was a compulsive liar when we were married, but its been so long, why? whats the point?

Its like he cant see DD as a person, just an object, he cant recognise she has her own thoughts and feelings and if she voices anything, then its my fault as i must be brainwashing her. It of course cant be that he doesnt treat her like a person. DD has no relationship with him, she cant talk to him about anything, she says this regulary. Its sad. She was upset the other week as apparently he had been telling her she has no sense of humour and doesnt understand jokes made at her expense.

anyway, its 6 years down the line, DD is coming up for 9, we have years ahead of this, in fact i can only see it getting worse as she gets older. Anyone have any tips?

He hates you. He dislikes his child. I would risk it and only send her when she 100% wants to go.

It is really shit spending time with someone who doesn't want you there.

I suspect he will take the phone away and control her usage. Maybe even send fake texts. What a horrible man.

Thank you.
That makes me feel a bit emotional.

yes, he hates me having the upper hand as he sees it. If he was reasonable he wouldnt see it as the upperhand, but because hes a controlling arse, then he does. Which is why he views everything that happens through a tint of what effect it has on me, like the clothes thing, hes not thought at all about DD in any of it, only that he will not give me money to replace it and that Ive made it worse and im out of order.

the fact that i ignore his rating texts makes him more angry and so the reach fever pitch. The last few times hes done that right near when hes been about to pick DD up i have pulled contact with only a few hours notice, not feeling it safe to send DD into an enviroment like that. I have spoken womens aid and national domestic abuse helpline along with a womens aid solicitor about the legalities of this, so, i THINK, hes learnt as the texts tailed off.

Of couse, he doesnt see it that way, he sees it as me dictating to him and lording over him, those are his exact words. Course, if wouldnt be the consequence of his behavior.

He wont want her to have the phone,i know that. But, its not his choice.

We have a family tablet, it was a new purchase this year. We dont have any games thingys, just one laptop between us and DD had wanted a tablet for ages and all of her friends have their own.

I said we could get one, she would need to pay half from her xmas and birthday money and i would match the other half.

He went mental. Had massive gos at her, ripped into me tons of times. We got it anyway, its none of his business. DD made me promise not to tell him we have it, he still doesnt know.

Shes just getting a little text and call only phone, she can text me at night and in the morning, ill tell her to hide it in her bag.

Not that this is the sort of thing i want to be encouraging, and it sadens me that it is this way, but its his doing and i cant do anything about it

this summer it was his birthday, DD and i had made homemade jam, picked the fruit, brough it home, made it, she made pretty jam labels etc. Anyway, she wanted to take him a jar for his birthday, it wasnt the only present, just a little extra. Mostly because she was excited about it.

what i got was a shit text saying ' wtf why would i want jam for my birthday' i explained to him that DD had made it, she was excited and just wanted to share it with him and would it hurt him to eat it and say it was the best jam he has ever tasted.
he replied and said he didnt see the point, it was lost on him and he didnt understand the gesture.

i replied ' thats because you are thick'

i spoke to DD ( who was at his) the next day. She was sad about it said she didnt think he wanted her jam, i said not to worry, bring it back home and it meant all the more for us, she agreed and said that she would just buy him a chocolate bar or something.

he is a cock.

He really only cares about himself, doesnt he.

Rinse and repeat

"you don't call the shots in our lives, we do.

Refuse to engage. LET him kick off. If he does contact is cancelled.

his choice.

you need to be this disengaged from him. He's a pitiful little man.

and he knows it

You can't engage with someone like him. You'll get nowhere. I would buy a cheap, pay as you go, second phone for yourself and tell him you've changed your number. Check the phone as much as you need you (once every few days). That way you don't have to deal with his endless texts. Block his number on your other phone.

His text (the one that said wtf about the jam) is shockingly childish. Don't even bother replying to a text like that. Just talk to your dd about it. All that happens is you get angry on your dd's behalf.

The clothes thing is so difficult. But really I would just get a lot of cheap leggings/ t shirts and keep them separately to wear at his. Only send 2 or 3 outfits too - he'll have to either wash them or buy more. Never send her favourite clothes again, and don't keep replacing spoilt clothes.

I think some of your problem is engaging with it/ responding to him. He will never change, so I would back right off. (I also have an immature, controlling ex to deal with and I agree it's exhausting. It helps never to be rude or emotional when responding - takes the heat out of it all.) You've done 6 years - only 6? more to go fingers crossed, and hopefully they will be much easier the less you engage.

Altinkum - it would be really unfair on the DD to just send her in one outfit. She shouldn't be disadvantaged because her father is a moron.

OP this is awful

But the one thing that shines out is what an excellent mum and support you are to your daughter.

Another suggestion, would it be a good idea to get your DD to keep a diary? It could be a way of getting her feelings out but also a potentially very useful document.

She could detail the things she doesn't like, how she felt about his treatment on individual occasions. All this shit would then be in writing... and if, as I suspect will happen, you both might end up pushing for no more overnight contact in just a couple of years time... you might be able to get it.

What is his new wife like?

Deliberately damaging clothes would seem to me to be criminal damage - maybe worthwhile speaking to the police?

Thank you for saying so Castlemilk.

I try to be.

Ive spoken to DD about a diary before, but writing is not her most favorite thing, goes down like a lead balloon. PLus im not sure its all that healthy to document all that crap when you are 8. Id rather focus on trying to support and give her tools to deal with it better.

When shes about 12, if he took it to court, then they would take her wishes into consideration anyway.

His new wife is 10 years younger and just does what he says, which is why he likes her. She gets up with DD at the weekends when he has DD, she cooks, cleans, takes DD places. Probably thinks im a cow though im sure.

Noone can prove it was deliberate damage and im sure it wasnt anyway, so the police wouldnt be of any use.

and yes, i cant just send DD in one set of clothes. while it might be best for me, its not going to make DD feel very nice and is just going to make her feel caught in the middle, i refuse to do that to her.

What a horrible situation for you and your DD.

Now your DD has a tablet, she could maybe record a voice diary, about her feelings and what she's been up to?

The thing about your ExH being in the forces and not knowing when he will have weekends off sounds a bit odd to me. Unless he is very low in the food chain, he would always be able to ask his CoC for the weekend due to his access arrangements. The AFs are very accommodating. Sounds to me more like he just enjoys messing you both around.

course he cant, you dont get excused from afgan because of child access :)

various training weekends, exercises, courses across the country, its par of the course with the job, army familys who are still together dont get a say, much less families that are divorced.

Of course, i know there is an element of him bullshitting, for example, he could have had DDfor his full 3 weeks, but opted to go on a camp, was a thing he chose to do. Thats his choice, but generally, no, they dont get to ask.

There is no way he could commit to a regular access arrangement, based on the above.

Um, right. Sorry, from your previous posts, I got the impression he couldn't commit due to being dicked to do random stuff at weekends, not that he had been warned for tour etc.

You would be amazed what the army will accommodate if they are asked. Many many soldiers commit very happily to regular access, and the army does everything it can to facilitate that, operational reasons notwithstanding. Or at least it does for all our military friends in your ExH's position.

Unless he's posted abroad of course.

I would have dad clothes: tracksuits, or a couple of pairs of jeans, dark tshirts & a fleece, that it doesn't matter if he dyes them grey. Make a joke out of it with your daughter, silly daddy type thing. And teach her how to use the washing machine herself.

He hates women your ex, and you're a woman he perceives as having got the better of him, as you got away and got custody - you won. He will hate you to the grave & maybe even beyond.

He's punishing your daughter because he can't get at you, and she is, after all, a woman: he can't understand that women are beings in their own right, he certainly can't respect them. I pity his poor wife.

yes, detach detach detach. Treat him like an awful work colleague, ie minimal contact, preferably by email unless urgent. I totally agree with what twinklestein says above
just get a couple of dark coloured things in primark/h&m as that'll help your daughter. Giving her a phone is a good idea.
Thank goodness you're not with him any more at least